Your Future Car's Hood Will Be Welded Shut

An Ominous Cow Erred writes "A common argument used by open source advocates (myself included) in favor of open source is the simple question: 'Would you buy a car with the hood welded shut?' According to an article from the BBC, Volvo thinks the way of the future may be exactly that."

It's a car for women!

[wayward_son]

As if having they care if the hood is welded shut. /go ahead, mod me down, you know it's true.

yup

[cangeceiro]

thats why they make grinders

The Apple iCar

[Anonymous Coward]

Ah. The Apple iCar. Brought to you buy the same guys who designed the "battery dies, throw it away" iPod.

When my iCar is low on oil, I park it in a city lot, scratch off the VIN, remove the license plate, and walk away. Then it is off to Apple to buy another one.

Nice Quote!

[T-Kir]

The car should be programmed to discover any problems under the bonnet, then send a message to the garage to let them know.

The mechanics would then contact the women directly to invite them over.

Is it me, or do I have a dirty mind this afternoon? ;)

ummm what happens if the engine is on fire?

[dark404]

What happens when the engine overheats or you get in an accident and the engine is on fire?

"I'm sorry mr. firefighter, only a certified volvo firefighter is allowed to put out this fire"

Re:Argh.

[Lxy]

Agreed. /me removes tin foil hat. Nothing to see here.

Bumper Stickers

[Speare]

I did some very rudimentary artwork for two LWE2002 bumper stickers, one of which carries this slogan. "Would you buy a car with the hood welded shut?" (Tagline 'If your software doesn't include the source code, switch.') There were press articles mentioning these stickers.

This is just a Volvo concept car, with other ridiculously sexist language in the press releases, and features that will never find a production car. It sounded straight from a Heinlein book, with mixed up mysogyny and girl-worship all wrapped together.

However, if you ever DO see one of these cars, I'd love a photograph of it sporting my Linux sticker. I'll have to make one which says, "My OTHER car's hood isn't welded shut!"

Ditch car if battery goes dead

[Anonymous Coward]

"If the battery is dead (as in no longer usable), why would you want to keep it? "

I agree with you totally. Once the battery dies, it is time to get rid of the car. Anything is better than going to Sears and getting a new "Die Hard". Those Sears guys are so icky.

Business Venture!

[beware1000]

anyone wanna join in on a business that produces 'warranty void if seal broken' stickers? There seems to be a rapidly growing market for it...

Next up...

[P1P3Z]

Computers with cases that can only be opened by Microsoft.

Re:computers + internal combustion engines = stupi

[WIAKywbfatw]

What if there is an engine fire?

Then you need a fire engine.

Re:just my opinion

[wayward_son]

This is a Volvo we're talking about here. There aren't any $5 parts on a Volvo. (At least in the U.S.)

Rioting, Ravaging and iRResposibility!

[Otter]

Only this time, it is common sense spelt with an F for Feminine rather than Farmer.

Geez, I was looking for Kent Brockman's byline at the top of that.

Re:Argh.

[Anonymous Coward]

... this is a car that is not only just a concept, but is a concept aimed at the type of women who would never open the hood anyway.

This does not bode well for us geeks who use the "may I look under your hood" pick up line

Re:Nice Quote!

[Anonymous Coward]

Ha ha.

Dear Mrs Svensson,

Please come over to the Orebro garage - I need to tweak your flange.

Lars.

Sounds a little open to abuse

[microbox]

The whole front of the car is moulded in one piece which can be removed only by a Volvo mechanic.

and this...

The car should be programmed to discover any problems under the bonnet, then send a message to the garage to let them know.

Sound great for people who are too rich to have to learn something about their car, like where the brake fluid goes. I give this one 2 thumbs down, and if my neighbour got one, well... it would be a laugh

Re:It's a car for women!

[kj0rn]

But why should you lift the hood to fill the window washer? Seems pretty stupid - it's not like its got anything to do with the engine.

I managed to fill the break fluid jigger with water last time I opened the hood. Car still stops, I don't know why anyone would pay for break fluid when it comes out of taps for free.

john.e.boy

Re:It's a car for women!

[Araneas]

Same for the Volvo concept car. I have visions of the windscreen (windshield) covered with flaming petrol (benzene) because someone got the fill points mixed up.

And yes I know there would be some safety device to prevent this and I know there would be no ignition mechanism. Maybe I have been watching Zoolander too much. Besides - you know some guy is going to have to do it. ;)

Re:Mechanics?

[no longer myself]

My mechanic would never lie to me! He always charges me a fair price for my weekly fill-up of "blinker fluid".

Re:It's a car for women!

[the_mad_poster]

What the hell are you, some kind of Canadian? Petrol? Petrol Entry Point? BONNET!?!

Get me mah shootin' stick maw.....

It's GAS which goes in the GAS TANK which sure as hell isn't under the HOOD of the car!

Next thing you know, you'll be telling me you use a "Gay-raj" instead of a "car hole"?

Re:computers + internal combustion engines = stupi

[back_pages]

One EMP burst and every automobile that has an Engine Control Computer within range of the EMP is dead. =/

I know! These things are WAY too susceptible to the side effects of a nuclear blast! That's why I drive 100% mechanical vehicles from the mid seventies or earlier. The rest of you ninnies are going to look really dumb when the next EMP comes around! HA! HA HA HA!

The union of cars and computers

[AtariAmarok]

Pretty soon, all the cars will be always on the Internet anyway. Watch for the following in your future:

The MyDoom worm: immediately crashes car into brick wall once you go over 55 mph.

Popup ads in the windshield are an ever-growing visibility problem until you download the Google dashboard which includes a windshield wiper that removes them.

Cops pull you over for overclocking

The same grease-stained mechanic who works on your Apple car also works on your nice white iPod, leaving permanent smudges on the case.

Hayes Accura modem sues Honda Acura car

Re:It's a car for women!

[b0r0din]

And has anyone noticed that Volvo looks more and more like Vulva? (I'm sorry, that word makes me giggle every time.)

Re:By women, for women?

[back_pages]

Stereotypes flourish in Scandinavia!

Irony thrives everywhere.

Re:It's a car for women!

[Jane_Dozey]

Now how can I get a man to fix my car if the hood is welded shut??

Re:Mechanics?

[b0r0din]

I can just see the manly mechanics in the shop.

"Hey, Bob, can you do me a favor while I'm filling out this paperwork and take the bonnet off that car so we can do the oil change."
"The What?"
"The bonnet."
"You mean the welded hood?"
"It's called a bonnet."
"Whatever. Sissy boy."
"What was that?"
"Nothing. I'm just working on that BONNET for you. Let me know if you want me to fill up your panties as well."

Re:HONDAS dont break

[trentblase]

They dont break.

They don't have breaks? You just keep driving until you hit a tree?

Re:just my opinion

[georgeha]

Nonsense, I have a Volvo 960, which drives me to the poorhouse very well, and I'm sure I can get a turn signal bulb for only $2.99 a two pack.

Of course, turn signal lenses run $100.

Re:ummm what happens if the engine is on fire?

[Motherfucking Shit]

What happens when the engine overheats or you get in an accident and the engine is on fire?

That's what you get for driving a <slashjoke>candle truck</slashjoke>

Time to be a Volvo mechanic (cha-ching!)

[codefool]

YCC Chick: What seems to be wrong with my car?
Tow Truck Driver: Welp, it seems you've done busted a fan belt.
YCCC: Golly! Can you fix it? I mean, I'm stuck out here in the rain in the middle of nowhere.
TTD: No problem, little lady. Fan belts aint't no real trick. Happens all the time.
YCCC: Will it cost very much? I mean, I just spent all my money on this groovy car built by women, for women.
TTD: The fan belt will cost you about twelve bucks, but the installtion will be about twelve-hundred.
YCCC: WTF!?
TTD: Welp, you see we gotta tow this honey to a Volvo dealer, and they have to take the front end apart to install the fan belt. Shouldn't take more than a couple of days.
YCCC: (crying) But, its so easy to refill the washer fluid...

Give me a freakin break...

Re:ummm what happens if the engine is on fire?

[chiller2]

dark404 wrote...
What happens when the engine overheats or you get in an accident and the engine is on fire?

"I'm sorry mr. firefighter, only a certified volvo firefighter is allowed to put out this fire"

It's obvious really. This car was designed for aesthetics before functionality by the same beings that damage their feet by cramming them into triangle shaped shoes with high heels because "they look cute!"

The funniest thing is

[The Tyro]

the quote about Volvo's CEO:

"a mood encouraged by women-friendly Volvo boss Hans-Olov Olsson."

Hmmmm... that's a curious statement open to misinterpretation. Now what'd they mean by that, eh?... exactly how "women-friendly" is he? wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more... (sorry... BBC article... had to throw that in...)

Re:Mechanics?

[Speed Racer]

My mechanic would never lie to me! He always charges me a fair price for my weekly fill-up of "blinker fluid".

I hope you don't let him use just any old blinker fluid when you can get KaleCo High Quality Synthetic Blinker Fluid [kalecoauto.com] for just $5.99. Help save wear and tear on your flash-synchros while saving our petroleum reserves at the same time.

UNIX-ish

[Bud]

"If the car says nothing, then everything is fine," said Ms Temm optimistically.

Cool. This is really a good idea from a user interface point of view, and one which makes the UNIX shell so nice to work with. If you get no response from the shell command, it means that things went just fine.

Speaking of welded-shut motor hoods... you know, I'd hate to cruise down the highway and see the warning message on the panel: "You have shifted into fifth gear. The change will take effect after you have restarted the motor. Restart now? [Yes] [No]"...

--Bud

Volvo/Vulva

[Anonymous Coward]

When my daughter was 2 or 3, and learning about her body, she pointed between her legs, asking what that was. My wife told here it was her "vulva." My daughter, being only 2 or 3, had some pronunciation problems, so it came out as "wow-wow." So right after hearing that, and still every now and then, when driving without the kids we see a Volvo, we'll say, "Look, there goes a Wow-wow." Further humor could ensue, but we'll leave, now.

Re:computers + internal combustion engines = stupi

[joib]

Maybe you're supposed to use the old russian trick of making a bonfire under the engine? ;-)

Re:It's a car for women!

[Total_Wimp]

"sounds like a sexist joke"

I was in dismay as I read this. Basically you can change anything cosmetic but you can't change anything substanttive. I wracked my brain to think up any other product that's gone this route and finally found one: Windows.

You can chage the wallpaper, but you can't change the web browser. You can change the system font, but you can't upgrade the kernel.

I tried to think of what this all means and then it suddenly struck me. Of course, it's right in the aritcle! Windows was designed by women for women.

Now that I understand the Windows niche I can take real action in my life. The girlfriend will get my old Windows machine ("honey, what did you do with my Mac?") and I'm getting the real OS designed by men for men. It may look like crap, but I know I can change any file with complete confidence. Thank god for MS-DOS, the real-mans operating system.

TW

Re:It's a car for women!

[sulli]

And yet the logo [oldtimerbilder.de] is distinctly masculine. Weird.

Dukes of Hazard

[johns713]

Remember The General Lee? The Duke boys had it's doors wielded shut. And it worked well for them. Who's to say that having a hold wielded shut won't work for everyone else. I say it is worth a try as long as I can slide across the hood before doing a get away. YEEE HAAWWW!!!

Re:Audi A2

[Anonymous Coward]

if you have to take it to the garage, the technicians have to disassemble much more than in other cars, spending more time on it

Since it is an Audi, you WILL be taking it to the garage. Very often.

Re:It's a car for women!

[cHiphead]

you underestimate the desires of a man to get to play with fire to unweld your hood.

Re:computers + internal combustion engines = stupi

[Bendebecker]

Just wait to the Chryslus Highwayman comes out - no computer components and with brakes too! juts make sure you remember to keep a spare fuel cell controller in a sealed lead box. Never knwo when a vault dweller's decendent may need it...

Re:just my opinion

[Twylite]

Heck, that reminds of back in them good ol' earl-ee nine tees when I could get a soldering iron into the ol' PC if she needed a fixin' !

Re:It's a car for women!

[Unregistered]

Windows was designed by women for women.

Actually, i get the feeling that windows wasn't designed at all. More like crashing a Yugo into a parts truck, imo.

Re:It's a car for women!

[Pisco]

To hell with the boiling point, (in Canada) I'm more concerned about the FREEZING point!!

You Silly Little Women...

[robathome]

/me pulls string on the back of Automobile Barbie...

>zip<

"Cars are haaaaard. ::tee hee::"

>zip<

"My seats match my outfit!"

>zip<

"Can you check my oil with your dipstick, Mr. Mechanic?"

Re:It's a car for women!

[Tomeck]

I'm English. You got better mod points for your reply than I got for my original post, no fair!

Re:No seriously, it *is* a car for women - RTA

[Mateito]

It is very uncomfortable to drive with a ponytail

It is uncomfortable to drive with a pony tail, an I am 100 percent bloke....

... and if you disagree with that Ill slap you. Oh shit... I broke a nail.

Bah! I got something better welded shut

[Chillywang]

The DOORS, so I can slide in and out of my 1969 Dodge Charger like it's nobody's business.

Them Duke boys got themselves in a heap a' trouble again.

Petrol on the windscreen

[kmichels]

Putting the Windscreen washer fluid top-up near the petrol tank hole . . . hehehe - gonna be interesting if that gets muddled, especially when driving slowly past people smoking their ciggies and cleaning your windscreen after inadvertently filling up the washer bottle with petrol.

And we won't even go into the implications of filling your petrol tank with nice soapy water . . .

Re:It's a car for women!

[Leebert]

I'd like a car with easily removable/exchangable seat cushions myself.

Yeah, I remember riding in one of your limos. You could DEFINITELY have benefitted from changeable seat covers in that thing. ;)

Re:It's a car for women!

[Roblimo]

I *had* changeable seat covers in that limo, Lee.

You don't think I wasted the *good* ones on you, did you? :)

(Seriously, removable and washable seat covers are a great things to have, but I bet Volvo would charge way too much for them.)

- Robin

Re:Maybe it's different in England

[slipgun]

Thats because in America, we have shoulders on our roads, instead of barely the width of 2 cars.

English roads are generally designed with steering-wheels in mind.

Re:It's a car for women!

[schovanec]

people are amazingly capable of screwing things up

No kidding. Even if the fuel nozzle physically won't fit in the washer fluid hole, somebody somewhere will still manage to spray gasoline out of their washers.

Re:Maybe it's different in England

[sawmillnc]

Yeah..haven't you English seen the "The Hitcher" or "The Road Warrior" American highways are swarming with those type of people...On a parallel universe tangent, I would like to see Mel Gibson do an amalgam movie that incorporated "The Passion of Christ", "Beyond Thunder Dome", "The Hitcher" and finally " Braveheart"

Trunk vs. Boot?

[soft_guy]

My grandmother is about 80 years old and from rural Oklahoma. She refers to that part of a car as a "turtle hull". Apparently a common expression among country people.

Re:It's a car for women!

[kg439.]

A friend of mine actually did this to his car - he put a gas-oil mix in his windshield washer fluid reservoir because it was the same color blue and was being stored in a gallon jug (not the best place to store it). It ruined the paint on the hood and nastied up the widnshield. So I hope that they don't actually put this into production, for the car's sake - what might it do to the plastic body?