Home Defense, Geek Style?

Yo Maing writes "So my mom got lives alone, and got her car broken into last night. We have a motion sensor light in the driveway, and the car has an alarm but apparently both of these deterrents were ineffective. Crime has been rising around her neighborhood, and only action the police can take is to file a report. So I ask you, Geeks of Slashdot, what tricks do you guys have to defend yours and your loved ones homes against crimes like this? Not looking for anything that would get someone injured, but more in the area of detection and repulsion. Anyone have a holographic Yeti generator to scare away intruders? :)"

Don't be a metrosexual

[taxman_10m]

Buy a gun.

Good question..

[panic911]

First I would suggest watching Home Alone 1. That kid is pretty damn clever and easily fended off joe pesci and that ugly guy. Next I would buy an outdoor webcam with some motion detection software [deskshare.com].

Great

[mkro]

Summary of all the "Home Alone" movies in 3... 2... 1...

Ninja Style

[ChopsMIDI]

I wait on the roof dressed in all black with my ninja sword.

That's worked pretty well for a few years.

Location, location, location....

[Anonymous Coward]

I live on an air force base. No problems. :)

If you're American...

[rokzy]

Guns. Lots of guns.

Re:Don't be a metrosexual

[Randy Wang]

Buy a phaser.

Shotgun traps

[w.p.richardson]

and land mines in the front yard are effective deterrents, especially if advertised conspicuously.

Geek it up some by controlling the shotgun trap with an old pentium running BSD.

Never fails

[Anonymous Coward]

drive a yugo

Yes, we all noticed

[Jeffv323]

the extra "got" in his first sentence. Now everybody move along now.

Not a holo-yeti...

[Anonymous Luddite]

How bout a full sized cardboard cut-out of goatse in the front hallway? I'd run....

As always

[yffe]

netfilter.

Indiscriminate

[Butterwaffle Biff]

Well, if you don't mind repelling everyone instead of the ill-willed, you might try buying a computer off this guy [slashdot.org]. I'm sure the dead pig odor would keep thieves out of you're mom's car -- it's a deterrent whose effectiveness was recently proven on Mythbusters...

She's alone?

[Anonymous Coward]

...you mean you don't live at home?

the classic...

[EngMedic]

... 10 guage loaded with rock salt seems to do the trick for me.

Repulsion

[caluml]

repulsion.

What better place to ask about repulsion than a website where sweaty geeks hang out?

New Slashdot Topic?

[Anonymous Coward]

Seriously, first the story about a mushroom shaped cloud over North Korea [slashdot.org] and soon there was an article about bomb shelters [slashdot.org] and now this! Is there going to be a Homeland Security topic created soon? I'd suggest a chicken since the sky is falling.

Re:Ninja Style

[ChopsMIDI]

So I'm waiting there....yada yada yada....there's blood everywhere.

Re:Not a holo-yeti...

[rampant mac]

"How bout a full sized cardboard cut-out of goatse in the front hallway? I'd run...."

Depending on what was "cut-out", it could double as a mail drop too. Even oversized packages could easily fit. *shudder*

Re:Ninja Style

[Anonymous Coward]

His mom finally caught him ;-)

Wouldn't be allowed over here ...

[Tim Ward]

... but in the USA the answer is simply guns, surely?

For a slashdot specific answer:

Rig up lots of webcams, connect them to a Linux box with some open source motion detection software, and set off the mines in the front lawn and the machine guns when anything is detected.

So maybe you'll kill a few "innocent" people by accident. No problem, the American courts will let you off no trouble, and besides nobody "innocent" would be out walking anyway, would they.

Re:Great

[nightsweat]

Summary:

Face slap

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Thwack! Ow! Thunk! Ow! Smash! Owowowowowowoow!

Kevin! We're so glad you're safe.

Re:Don't injure trespassers...

[ricotest]

Looks like that kid from Home Alone is liable quite heavil. Is there a rule against a gigantic paint shelf trap?

Cameras

[ozntz]

I have a major crime problem can anyone give me some sugestions on cameras pref night vision if possable

Re:Good question..

[spellraiser]

I have just been asked to relay the following letter:

Dear punk,

I am NOT ugly. You sonnofabitch. Your geek ass better have some good home defense, because I am coming over there to KICK YOUR ASS!

Sincerely,
Daniel Stern

Re:Texas style home defense

[Anonymous Coward]

Oh, so -that's- what it is. Thanks, until now I've been too afraid to bust in there and take his DVD player.

Trolls!

[fuzdout]

I line my house with slashdot trolls and a few penguins! Keeps even the most dangerous perps at bay!

No injury

[Anonymous Coward]

Not looking for anything that would get someone injured, but more in the area of detection and repulsion.

Of course you don't want them injured; else they could sue. That's why you have to aim for the head; they can't hire a lawyer if they're dead. Later, use a hacksaw to remove the head and mount it on a poll in your front yard. You're be sure to repulse a few people with that. Oh, and buy lots of Fabreeze, as it won't be smelling all that pretty.

Lego Robot.

[Anonymous Coward]

'cmon slashdotters; why use a real dog when an Aibo'll do, and why buy an Aibo when you can build a robot with gameboys and legos [slashdot.org]

The video mentioned off of the linked article shows the lego robot as far more active than the dog in the video anyway.

Car Alarms

[pommiekiwifruit]

Car alarms are based on proximity? I thought they were just on a timer, set to go off at 3am.

Re:Dog

[kfg]

Or a Cheetah if you're a cat person.

KFG

Re:Don't be a metrosexual

[fuzdout]

I agree. Besides wouldn't it be cool to have a kick-ass mom like that woman in Australia who got raped and then her 80 year old mom hunted down the the men and shot their balls off and then turned herself in? That old momma kicks butt! :)

Simpsons Professor Frink's invention

[Man in Spandex]

Frink: Well as you can see when the burgler trips the alarm, the house raises from its foundation and runs down the street around the corner to safety
*house model crashes, goes in flames with the human figurines as well*
Frink: Hah.. well the real humans won't .... won't burn quite so fast.. mohoy!

Re:assuming the thief is also a geek

[antifoidulus]

How about we mix it up a little:
What about:
A vicious camera(robots these days)
A visible fake dye capsue
And my personal favorite: An exploding dog.
And of course that a sign that says, "Exploding dog tracking system installed"
I wouldn't want to fuck with that house.

Now that the Assault Weapons Ban Has Expired...

[GabrielF]

Isn't your mom lucky? She can participate in an opportunity she didn't have just a few days ago. Now she can buy a AK-47 (the weapon of choice for home-defense professionals in some of the worst places in the world, like Iraq and Afghanistan) with as many combat-style accessories as she wants. Just tell her to buy a Bushmaster and put a sign on the lawn saying "Tresspassers beware - I can shoot you in the ass 80 times in a minute and then bayonet your corpse from here to Denver"

Even better: geese

[Draconix]

I'm not kidding. Watch geese make a whole lot of noise when they spot an intruder, and they're aggressive, too. They also have the effect of confusing the hell out of some would-be criminals.

Re:Dog

[spectral]

Would an AIBO work? Dog AND geeky. I dont' know if they bark though.

Re:Neighborhood Watch

[arose]

it's just that much more difficult to get around 2 or 3 pairs of watchful eyes at night

And a sack full of doorknobs.

Re:The Club

[flossie]

I would also reccomend installing a pedal lock and taking the battery inside at night (or the alternator cable). A hidden cutout switch could also work. Install a switch for the fuel pump below the shift boot or something.

The low tension wires to the started motor are an excellent place to break the circuit. When they try stealing the car, it seems like it has a dead battery. Some bozos in Manchester tried to steal my girlfriend's car which I had installed such a switch into. A quick walk around the block and we found the car perfectly safe in the middle of the road - they had tried push-starting it.

Re:Dog

[pyros]

Dogs are for weenies. What you really want is a guard baboon. Seriously, who's going to mess with this [northrup.org]?

Re:Don't be a metrosexual

[Jorkapp]

Be sure you set it to stun!

home defense

[wwcohen]

When you're home is invaded, I recommend coming down the stairs with a hockey mask on, wielding a small gas-powered chain saw.

Re:Good question..

[mj2k]

I would connect a webcam with motion detecting software to an AI system that tracked the face of the introduder and triggered an ak-47 upon target lock - no injuries that way, just instant death!

Re:Dog

[gricholson75]

NOTE: The baboon will not wear diapers.

Re:Ninja Style

[Nahor]

After all the pizzas he ate waiting on the roof, the belly started to show up between the pants and the shirt. Then he didn't look credible anymore.

Re:Don't be a metrosexual

[TykeClone]

Or disintegrate - they can't prove anything with all the evidence disintegrated.

Re:Ninja Style

[FyRE666]

Fair enough, but can you swing the nunbchuks like this dude? [energyradio.fm]

Re:Great

[AuMatar]

You forgot the flushing sound at the end of the third as his career went down the toilet.

Re:Well he fucking *killed* someone!

[Anonymous Coward]

Victimized. There's no victims on Earth man. If you live here, you're fucking guilty. You deserve everything you get. Read some Schopenhauer.

woof woof!

[n3k5]

Dogs are the best. They know when some one is there, even outside the property.

Cats are even better at this. They don't just know if someone is there, they also know who it is, even if the person is still half a mile away. Just from the faint sound of footsteps or a car engine. Cats really know these things ... they just fucking don't care a bit.

Re:Don't be a metrosexual

[VivianC]

In many countries you'll go to jail if you shoot an unarmed intruder. Kill them knowing they're unarmed and most European countries will see you on a murder charge.

What? You don't keep any knives in your kitchen? Just put one in the dead guy's hand before you call the cops. Make sure you get left and right prints on it, in case the guy is a lefty. Unarmed problem solved. "He grabbed a knife from my barbeque/garage/sink and came after me. What else could I do?"

Follow the joke:

[Beardo the Bearded]

I was watching from my window when I saw a guy breaking into my shed. I called the police.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have any cars available to check it out."

I couldn't believe it. I was calling to tell them that I was witnessing a crime in progress, and they couldn't be bothered to come arrest the guy.

I waited for one minute and called again.

"Hi, I called to tell you that someone was breaking into my shed. Don't worry, I shot him."

Two minutes later, four police cars and an ambulance pulled up to my house, catching the guy red-handed. The lieutenant in charge was pretty upset.

"I thought you said you shot him!"

"I thought you said there weren't any cars available!"

There's not really anything you can do, except park in the garage. There's one thing the cops tell you to do - keep your car showroom clean. That means nothing inside. Someone will smash your window to get an empty pop can. They'll steal quarters from the tool booth bin, or anything else.

If you're tired of paying for repairs, keep it clean and keep it unlocked. They can't break in if it's already open.

Re:Dog

[NoMoreNicksLeft]

Too agressive. The last one we elected, invaded Iraq on some rather flimsy evidence of WMDs.

Re:How about inside a CAR?

[Lehk228]

you forgot to douse the pins with antifreeze.

Let's get geeky....

[keithdowsett]

Now for the really geeky solution...

1) Motion sensor switches on PC and video cam.

2) PC checks for changes to video image, and if changes exceed predetermined threshold, plays sound of bolt action hunting rifle being loaded.

3) PC switches on laser and uses servo to guide red dot onto largest area of change in video image....

4) PC waits a few seconds and if changes persist, plays loud sound of heavy caliber rifle firing and triggers flashgun, followed by muttering about damn laser sight...

5) Police follow trail of brown (and rather smelly)footprints to determine where perp came from.

Cat

[scruffyMark]

Cats are meaner. Of course, the same thing goes - 50 lbs minimum.

I mean, who's going to mess with your pet cougar, or puma?

Re:Dog

[Smurf]

Oh, my God! Where are those mod points when you need them?

On the other hand, I wouldn't know if I should mod you Funny or Insightful...

Re:its obvious

[Kenja]

"Canadians are also better educated than Yanks. Go figure."

You calling me stupid? I'll bust a cap in yo ass!

Re:Sentry gun

[orangepeel]

Please. That's kids stuff!

What you really need for an effective deterrent is a 110,000 volt, 30 barrel taser gattling gun [lod.org]. More details here [lod.org]. Choice quote:

"Most spectators experience some degree of sinus discomfort after several firings, due to the high brissance of the plasma explosion."

Hah. I'll bet they do. :-)

Re:My Advice: Bring The Pain

[querencia]

No matter where you live, it helps if (a) the recipient of your shotgun blast is on your property when shot, and (b) the shot is to the front of said recipient (and not in his back as he tries to flee), thus bolstering a claim of self-defense.

So, order the jackass to turn around before you shoot him. Then drag his bloody carcass back onto your lawn.

IANYL (I Am Not Your Lawyer)

Re:Get a rottweiler

[Anonymous Coward]

"Son, I knew you'd been borrowing my car to go 'make out' with young ladies, and to tell the truth I was OK with that. But I really think you need to pick less kinky date activities. My car is not a restroom."

Re:Don't be a metrosexual

[BasilBrush]

You've been watching too much Columbo. Try leaving your house once in a while.

Re:been debunked

[NumbThumb]

There are lots and lots of nice little letterses... it *must* be Informative!

Let's cause some harm...

[enigmathegreat]

http://www.stickdeath.com/2004auto.html [stickdeath.com]

Goldie Looking Chain

[CmdrGravy]

"Guns don't kill you - rappers do."

Re:that is never legal

[trawg]

There was a post above asking why gun deaths in Canada are so much lower than that of the US, and now finally I understand why - rampant garden gnome theft in Texas.

I have a better one..

[Gentlewhisper]

" When you're sleeping, those aren't particularly effective. ;-)"

I had a crazy idea while listening to a tutor talk about what he is researching on.

He was talking about 'computer vision'. So basically a computer can look at something using 2 cameras and gauge its distance/etc relative to itself.

So I was thinking.. "Hey, how about if I mount that array onto a gun, and then mount the whole shebang onto a turret?"

That's be so cool!

And better yet, I'll have a small hole in the ground and put the whole turret inside, so that it is protected and only shows up when needed.

Of course, now that it is dormant, we need to wake it up. What then? And I imagined that if we use pressure sensors embedded around the house and in the garden, the coordinating targetting computers can immediately aim the turrets in the right direction so that when it comes out, it is ready to fire.

For added effect, add a million laser pointers. And put like 6 of these on every side of your house.

And there you go, a winner geek's home defense system =)

**If you are really paranoid, you might want to mount SAM/bazooka launchers onto those turrets too! Good for stopping an oppressive govt cold! What can they do? Nuke the whole nation?

Re:been debunked

[CmdrGravy]

"The Failed Experiment" by Gary A. Mauser, is he related to those Mausers the famous gun manufacturers or is this just one of those weird coincidences ?

Doom series

[CanadianCrackPot]

I just took the sounds of the weapons from Doom (the original) and set them up to motion and pressure sensors. Playback begins on a trip. Scars the crap outta crooks, and drunks.

Re:Best Tech - Social Engineering

[ElDuderino44137]

I tend to agree,

When living in Ohio this is the tactic I would employ. I'm living in Georgia now. An associate has been complaining about a car with it's windows smashed in, that was left in his neighborhood. He called the police. They didn't do anything. I suggested that he phone them up again. This time report that someone is urinating on the vehicle in question. I figure that when the cop comes around to check for the pisser/child mollester that they'll notice the car and get the wheeles turning, so to speak.

Cheers,
--The Dude

But the bumper sticker is...

[Ungrounded Lightning]

When you're sleeping, those aren't particularly effective. ;-)

But the NRA and CRPA bumper stickers (and the "I'd rather be hunting" license plate frame) on the car in the driveway IS. B-)

In particular, the burglars that were working their way down our street a few years back skipped two houses - the retired cop two doors up (whose son had similar stickers) and ours.

Current neighborhood has a couple gangs trying to move in. They've intimidated witnesses - with both minor and major vandalism - elsewhere on our block. They have NOT done that to OUR place. B-)

Closest they came is when their spokesthug came buy and asked the wife (an NRA-certified fireams / personal-protection instructor B-) who smokes on the front porch and watches neighborhood goings-on) whether she was worried about attacks or breakins. She said, no, she'd just shoot anybody who tried to attack her. But wasn't she worried about her guns being stolen while she was gone? No, because the firesafe weighs too much to steal without special equipment.

Been here over 5 years, no problems so far. B-)

Just to add..

[Gentlewhisper]

The turret is only responsible for rotational aiming, and a servo/pivot thing will flip the weapons towards the ENEMY. Rifle/chaingun/whatever is such that it points skywards when it is parked in the firehole.

Maybe if you make the turret pop up very fast, it can actually look even MORE COOL!

The only thing I'm pondering about is if it rains wouldn't all that gunk get into the barrels of your weapons?

Even better, why not make it a cooperative system. So suppose the ENEMY runs away, wouldn't your system lose him? Not if your computers alert your neighbours and wake theirs up too. You will see the turd run down the walkway with a trail of rockets exploding behind him, just like in Duke Nukem Forever! **Except here the ENEMY is fragged before he knows it =)

You'd obviously want to turn this thing off if your kids come home late though.. otherwise they'd innocently step onto the driveway and *boom*... the neighbourhood turns into a warzone.

Try a garage...

[bergeron76]

In most US states if someone breaks into your home and you kill them, you can't really be held liable. By getting a garage, if someone should break into your car (assuming it's in said garage), you can safely kill them!

Now, how you get your garage home, is an exercise left for the reader.

sure we cant add coaxial autocannon...

[riprjak]

...to the motion sensors??

It would be effective and have serious "Aliens Special Edition" cool factor.

I recommend a LED counter for rounds that gets to zero when there are still a few thousand rounds left... so they only *think* its safe :)

Where do you people live?

[supertomcom]

Man, IT really has fallen in the shitter. We got the smartest people on earth talking about gangs in their neighborhoods....

Re:been debunked

[3arwax]

I heard a story about a guy in Idaho who called the police to report that someone was outside tryig to break into his house. The police said they would send someone over. 5 minutes later noone had arrived so he called again. 5 minutes later still noone had arrived and so he called and told the police that he had shot the intruder and several cars were there almost immediately and arrested the burglar.

Re:I have a better one..

[Glonoinha]

Hmmm - his UID is 1029 (that's frigging ancient), his name is Wyatt Earp, and his web site is bloodshed.org.

I would take gun advice from him, ayup!

Ninjas!

[emilng]

Better yet, you can mount some ninjas in those turrets.

THAT would be cool.

Re:Don't be a metrosexual

[Freudiandave]

Get one of those Romulan phasers, the kind that make people disintigrate into a skeleton. You'll destroy all the evidence AND cause the maximum amount of pain.

Re:Don't be a metrosexual

[Z-MaxX]

it didn't take too much for him to 'flip' and 'kill the punks' ;)

Or you could hiring a ninja? Ninjas are cool. They flip out and kill people [realultimatepower.net] too.

If a ninja is too much for your budget or risk level, you could consider one of the other wannabe Real Ultimate Powers [brianx.com].

Re:been debunked

[Anonymous Coward]

The best thing about saying something is that it can be as full of shit as you want. This is obviously something you already understand, however.

Re:been debunked

[SnapShot]

Stop it. You are injecting a note of reality into his John Wayne / Charles Bronson worldview. He is going to start crying because you're being mean.

Re:Don't be a metrosexual

[sporktoast]

I'm as geeky as the next slashdotter, so I'm down with spending $1000 on a color laser printer [xerox.com]. But I don't really see how that's gonna help you defend your home.

Re:been debunked

[TedCheshireAcad]

Too dangerous. Some day, we will create a board with a nail so big, it will destoy us all.

And all you hippies thought it would be nuclear weapons...

Re:But the bumper sticker is...

[operagost]

If you don't want to put NRA stickers on your car, just put "Kerry-Edwards" and "Million-mom March" stickers on your neighbor's and a sign saying "Gun-free zone" on his lawn.

They'll go for the easy pickins.

Giant Cock

[superpulpsicle]

No no no. A gun would work in the 80s. Now criminals have stinger missiles and humvee mounted machine guns. You'll never outgun them.

Just get a giant wobbling sculptured cock at your front step. Any criminal walking by will be reminded of Clockwork Orange, and they'll say "Cool" and walk away.

How to teach your kids about guns

[Facekhan]

Take the gun out with the kid and explain that it is not a toy its a dangerous weapon. Then shoot his stuffed bunny into a thousand pieces. He will never want to touch the gun.

My name is.....

[Mondoz]

My voice is my password.
Verify me.

Just put a couple of these in your yard

[Mike McCune]

After the first burgler gets pulverized, you will never have problems again.

Phalanx Close-In Weapons System [navy.mil]

Re:A mate of mine...

[Fallen_Knight]

now thats a car alarm!

Re:But the bumper sticker is...

[macdaddy]

This vehicle is protected by the gun that just shot you.

Keep honking; I'm reloading.

Gun control means hitting your target.

:-)

Re:been debunked

[InfiniteWisdom]

Gun's aren't the problem, people are the problem.
So by eliminating people, guns are actualyl helping SOLVE the problem then!

Re:Location, location, location....

[Anonymous Coward]

The "Abu Gareffefasdf"(as Shrub calls it) guards were GOOD CHRISTIANS who were FORGIVEN by the GRACE OF GOD. The evil brown, black, and yellow peoples of the world don't know Jesus so they are less than scum.

Re:A mate of mine...

[6th time lucky]

Sounds like a piece of advice taken from my grandfather...

"They can't steal anything with both hands over their ears"

Re:Never fails

[kerp11]

actually, here in serbia driving a yugo means its more likely that your neighbours will break into your car to steal spare parts that they desperately need for their car...

How Ugly Is Your Mom?

[Master of Transhuman]

'Anyone have a holographic Yeti generator to scare away intruders? :)"'

Okay, relax, it was just a joke!

Jeez, no sense of humor!

Re:LBM (Appearances can work too)

[Afrosheen]

Stinking of cheap cologne, hairspray and marijuana smoke probably goes a long way towards keeping people off of you as well. Add to that your primered 1984 Iroc Camaro with non-matching wheels leaking oil in the driveway, and you have a perfect front. Nothing to steal here, keep moving. As a matter of fact, if anyone breaks in, they'll probably get robbed instead, or at the very least get a contact high.

Old school stoners are still the scariest kind.

Re:A mate of mine...

[underCat]

The physical punishment should be proportion to the physical destruction caused. Seeing as IP theft is ephemeral I propose that victim should think really hard about whipping the thief. Or maybe make a plaster caste of their back and whip that. That should make it even.

under under and away...

Re:Be sure it can't trigger while you're driving

[mlush]

Also I assume this is cool but apocryphal - how would the builder test it without getting lynched by his neighbors?

<Slowly as if to a small Anonymous Coward>
Its a car, cars can be driven to an area with no neighbors.
</Slowly as if to a small Anonymous Coward>

Re:Laser Defense Sheild

[Anonymous Coward]

When I was in high school: Chris and Bob used to drive home every afternoon in Chris's Camaro, and one Monday afternoon Chris asked Bob to drive while he leaned out the window of the passenger side and slammed a neighbor's mailbox with a baseball bat. The neighbor replaced his mailbox every afternoon that week only to have it destroyed again by Chris. That Saturday, Bob told me (laughing so hard we was crying) that Chris was getting his Camaro's back window fixed. The Friday mailbox had been completely filled with concrete, and the bat had bounced back and cracked his back window.

Re:Don't be a metrosexual

[magefile]

"We come in peace! (Shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill) We come in peace! (Shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men.)

Re:Just to add..

[QuickFox]

You'd obviously want to turn this thing off if your kids come home late though.. otherwise they'd innocently step onto the driveway and *boom*... the neighbourhood turns into a warzone.

What is it with parents today? Why can't you be firm about the time when they should come home?

What pain?

[leonbrooks]

He must have been hung over or doing drugs y'r honour, it's just a car alarm (this after replacing the screamers with 80dB jobbies).

Re:LBM (Appearances can work too)

[phearlez]

I know I can't be the only person moved to almost hysterical laughter when reading I'm generally a badass on Slashdot....