Dear Microsoft Windows ... 617
SpaceCanary writes "I recently read this open letter to Windows and I think it's pretty funny. The guy writes a letter to his OS as if he was breaking up with it. It's a bit strange, but finally more people are starting to see the light and moving away from Windows. The writer chronicles his relationship with the versions of Windows and finally is able to move on in the end."
/.ed (Score:3, Funny)
Dear Windows... (Score:5, Funny)
Paperclip response (Score:5, Funny)
Re:funny ? (Score:0, Funny)
Dear Borg (Score:1, Funny)
No, wait, dear Borg$oft...
goodbye server (Score:3, Funny)
The idea reminds of Microsoft Wife [infolanka.com], a joke that made the rounds years ago.
Dear Server, (Score:5, Funny)
Someone needs to (Score:5, Funny)
"IT was a spunky server, full of life and function, however the Good Lord deemed it necessary to remove this server from this world with an act of Slashdot".
Dear webserver (Score:5, Funny)
Wow... (Score:5, Funny)
Dear VMS:
You have tortured my life for the last time. I hate you with a pure and perfect hatred. Your renaming of my files is maddening. Your syntax is arcane and pointless. I would prefer attempting to cluster 500 Windows ME systems.
It's not me, it's definitely you.
Dear Slashdot... (Score:5, Funny)
- Web Server
Re:Dear Internet, (Score:3, Funny)
Why shouldn't it sound like a breakup letter? (Score:5, Funny)
- Only lets you do things with her approval
- Requires money once in a while to 'upgrade' her features
- Doesn't allow you to even think about seeing anyone else besides her
And to top it all off, you end up contracting a dozen or so STDs even though she says that she always uses protection.
Re:Dear Microsoft Windows (Score:2, Funny)
Will the real CmdrTaco please that up?
Mr. Torvalds
Right on! (Score:5, Funny)
Yeah, because everything you see written on the Internet can be extrapolated into assumptions about the general population.
And you thought goatse was just one freaky guy...
So... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:first +1 post? (Score:4, Funny)
Mao OS was that the one the chinese were developing?
Re:Dear Internet, (Score:5, Funny)
Dear John Q. Irony
We understand how important it is for people to feel someone listens when they offer comments and suggestions. As a result, we've developed this automated attendant to help process your inquiry.
Thank you very much for your letter. Your letter is important to us. But first please check our knowledge base, F.A.Q., and unofficial message forums. If this fails, fill out the 3-page customer service ticket at http://internet.com/cust/level1/sectionA/form1a.c
If this fails, you can speak to a customer service representative but please make sure to do so during standard business hours in the country of Pakistan, and have Java, ActiveX, Flash, Quicktime and the latest version of IE before you visit the user support area.
Thank you. We do care.
- Internet Inc.
Re:/.ed (Score:4, Funny)
Re: Dear Windows... (Score:5, Funny)
"Well, I bet he doesn't have a real girlfriend to write the letter to!"
And future dating prospects are equally bleak when women find out he ended the affair to pursue his newfound love and infatuation with a slightly oily flightless bird that smells of herring.
(They sure are cuddly at night though...)
I'm sorry (Score:5, Funny)
Damn, that was my first wife to a "T"... (Score:4, Funny)
"Do the Right Thing. It will gratify some people and astound the rest." - Mark Twain
People *are* moving away from Windows. . . (Score:5, Funny)
Just last week I read an article where Microsoft's consumer OS market share has been continually dropping -- down from from a 6 year high of 108 percent to 105 percent just last quarter.
The Microsoft rep that lives under the sink in my kitchen was quick to strike back, however, telling me that the drop came only as a result of survey companies no longer screening for "dirtbag hippies and Communists."
I'm hopeful.
linuxxx (Score:2, Funny)
hmm so afterall linux is a she
Paperclip response XP (Score:5, Funny)
(click "No thanks")
Okay, you don't want my help! Should I close?
(click "yes")
Okay, I'll close. Bye! Shall I do a little dance as I go?
(click "Hell, no")
Come on, I love dancing! Pleeease?
(click "Do you want to find out how many times you can bend a paper clip out of shape before it snaps?")
Hmm, you make a persuasive argument. I think I'll just close now.
Re:Wow... (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Paperclip response (Score:3, Funny)
[X] Nazi
[_] Bagdad Bob
[X] SCO Lawyer
[_] Lisp geek forced to use Java at work
[_] Satan
Re:Wow... (Score:5, Funny)
Quote: I would prefer attempting to cluster 500 Windows ME systems.
I tried to visualize attempting such a feat. My brain rejected the idea totally, much like a coredump. I now have a headache for my heresy...
JMD
Re:SC? (Score:5, Funny)
In other news...
Re:Dear Windows... (Score:3, Funny)
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&cat
Re:So what's new? (Score:5, Funny)
cLive
got mirror? (Score:5, Funny)
Stop buckling under slashdot's load, you vacuum-tubed dented cow-boxed surplus wimp! I cannot read the damned link.
Sincerely,
Pissed slashdot user
Re:Why shouldn't it sound like a breakup letter? (Score:2, Funny)
My girlfriends are like Linux.... (Score:3, Funny)
Re:So... (Score:2, Funny)
"It's not you.. It's me... I'm gay, and I've been hiding it too long. Time to buy a Mac."
Re:Article Text (Score:5, Funny)
Windows attention span isn't that long.
Re:Article Text (Score:5, Funny)
PPS - Yes, SP2 *does* make you look fat.
Re:goodbye server (Score:5, Funny)
Well, at least you know that you won't have to wait until your birthday for her to go down on you.
Re:Dear Windows... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Article Text (Score:5, Funny)
m$w:hey but then by that time you were forcing me into two somes with that naughty grub & linux !! That was bad, really really bad,..
how could i ever forgive u ??
Re:SC? (Score:5, Funny)
If she thinks YOU'RE handsome, she'll definately let me hit it. What's her number?
NTITE
Reply to SC (Score:5, Funny)
S C
Dear S C,
I didn't give a fuck about you anyway -- already took all your money AND made you look like an idiot - what woman can possibly want more?
Sincerely,
Ms. Windows
Dear John... (Score:5, Funny)
Dear /. (Score:3, Funny)
Anonymous Webserver.
Re:Dear Linux... (Score:5, Funny)
Isn't that just like a man? Inattentive, unappreciative, selfish. Gawd, what was I thinking when I went home with you?
Do you have even the slightest idea what I do for you, tirelessly, flawlessly, every day? No. You spend more time doting on your car than me. You've never even looked in /etc, have you? Oh, that's right, "I shouldn't have to think about that."
And to think you'd begrudge me ten measly hours. Do you have any idea what those ten hours will pay you back down the road? Don't you understand that we're trying to build a relationship here? And that relationships require time and commitment? But no, your eyes keep drifting over to that cheap, heavily-made-up harlot from Washington, and thinking to yourself, "Things would be so much easier and more fun with her." Yeah, for a little while. But then the problems would start, and multiply quickly after that. And you know something? The problems you'd have with her would turn out, fundamentally, to be the same problems you say you're having with me. I proved this to you; did you think I was lying? At least I'm being honest with you, and making you aware up-front of what you're getting into, and the work you'll need to do.
I may be cheap, but I'm not easy, buster. If you want something meaningful, something lasting, I'll always be willing to give that to you. Hell, I'll even dress up like that floozy Washington chick if you want. But you'd better be ready to get off your kiester and put in some effort. You may think I'm trying to emasculate you or humiliate you, but what I'm really asking you to do is become an adult. Otherwise, you're just going to go from disappointment to disappointment, and never understand why things keep falling apart.
I'll always be there for you,
Linnie
Re:Article Text (Score:5, Funny)
As time progressed so did my needs. Our affair took its next serious step on August 24, 1995.
I think I need a shower...
Re:first +1 post? (Score:2, Funny)
It pretends to efficiently use shared memory but doesn't really do too well with it. It likes to limit forking and control the number of child processes spawned. It has superior compression technology putting a lot of data into a smaller space.
The OS will chown anything you put into the system. It offers Mao's Guardian which blocks unwanted western propaganda from being accessed over the Internet. Oh, and they really don't think the concept of BZFlag is funny at all.
Re:Spyware... (Score:3, Funny)
Any competent Systems Administrator knows that lusers lack any real clue what-so-ever, and therefore cannot be trusted with dangerous system level tools. If there is no Sysadmin that will be present, there should be no such tools within a 5 mile radius of any given luser.
I blame Microsoft for providing a toolkit that makes my lusers able to mess up my systems before I can LART them dead in thier tracks.
Oh, fsck, another one looking to see what this JPEG exploit code looks like. *Clickety-Click*
Soko
Re:Article Text (Score:5, Funny)
In retrospect, this letter will be of complete surprise to you. For years I have stood by you, no matter how needy you have been. The time required has destroyed my once happy, fun filled life. I used to have friends, but you took them all away. You're just too high maintainence.
We tried many different fashions to see if you'd change... from hats to french laungerie. But you were always the same, time consuming woman who wouldn't let me live my life. And boy are you fucking ugly. I've had to learn the magical mysterious of Hollywood make-up to make you look good in the past, although recently you've gotten a bit better at looking sexy without days of my undivided attention.
There were good times. You were reliable, always around, always available. You were open and honest, and I could see into the very depths of your soul. But you were antisocial, getting anything to work with you was a chore and I've just about had enough of fighting with configuration files to get the most basic peripherals to work with you.
Perhaps, when you've become more friendly, and you work just as well in your various styles, we can be one again.
For now I'm off to that flashy babe Windows. She might be an expensive, unreliable whore, but she looks stunning and good in bed. (Can you go to bed with a computer?) Though I'll be back when she breaks my heart.
(I would go with that super model MacOS X but she's out of my league - my wallet is only 'so' fat.)
Fuck it. All the effort has to be worth something. I'll stick it out to see if, as they say year on year, this will be the year of the Linux desktop... the year it becomes easy. They have been saying it since 1997 but they can't be eternally wrong... can they?
Yours probably forever due to cash shortage,
C.
I don't get it... (Score:4, Funny)
Re:This is stupid... (Score:3, Funny)
My letter.... (Score:4, Funny)
I know I haven't been faithful when it comes to computing. I've done it with your mother Win 2k at school, your great aunt Win 98 at my sister's, two of the Linux sisters, Redhat and Mandrake in our own apartment, and even your sister Win XP Home on my lap(top) right in front of you. I know your father M$ is mad since I've never paid him (a visit). But you've always been my main OS, ever since I first met you. I've always taken good care of you, patched all your flaws, protected you from viruses, and kept you secure when we go out in the world (wide web). Please don't leave me. None of the other OS's have everything I need and want.
-hopemafia
Re: XP by choice (Score:3, Funny)
He mentioned "games."
Bob Dole doesn't know what your problem is (Score:3, Funny)
Love,
Bob Dole
Re:Article Text (Score:3, Funny)
How can I forget the first time that I saw you, in 1988, immature and overdressed like a 16 year old street-walker. The sparkle was eye-catching, but I knew that there was not enought maturity to keep me interested.
It was years later before I had you thrust apon me again. An old friend of mine needed to use my 386sx to edit a Word document on, so he loaded up a mountain of diskettes and left you behind.
Sure, it was fun at first with Solataire and, uh, solataire... But you got in the way and I was soon tired of running around between you, AutoCAD and my video games support.
Next thing I knew, there you were in my workplace, pushing my old favorites like wordperfect and lotus around like the cheap little strumpet you are. Fortunately, I was able to take solace in my Motif desktop and RISC processors, intoxicated by their maturity and power.
Of course, I started passing you off on other, less knowledgable computer users. I must have pimped you out thousands of times, "Oh sure, just USE windows" for this or that. There was even that "Coming of age" thing for my son when I let him have his way with you. What was it, a month, before you had overun his data with viruses...
So now you try and pass yourself off as mature and worldly, no better game around huh? I hate to let you know it, but there's a pretty hot kid on the block, willing to do most anything (for free too), so why don't you just take a walk, windows.
Re:Dear Anonymous Bastard, (Score:5, Funny)
Windows reply (Score:3, Funny)
I came to you with the intention of helping you do your job better and make life at home a little less boring.
I gave you everything you wanted. I am trying to be everything to everyone with all of my features. There are people out there that use windows and are a little more sane when they install software and hardware.
Remeber the scanner incedent. You bought that cheap 29 dollar model and it wouldn't work. You blamed me for that. But you didn't think about maybe it was the scanner.
And the software you choose. Where should I begin. I gave you limited dos access for EMERGENCY use. You abused that until I finally said enough and took it away. I open up my DLL's so your precious software could get in and help with tasks i wasn't suited for but it was just ignored, and custom controls were written and guess who you blamed when it didn't work.
I gave you plug and play and you wanted USB i gave you USB and you wanted Firewire. I brought the internet to your doorstep and you just couldn't get enough.
I had patches available and you didn't install them. (Mental note: Self patch once moron leaves) and almost all of the time i didn't get sick until after the patch was avlaible.
And then the event that broke this windows pain. Spyware!!!! You just couldn't stop looking at porn could you. You had to buy those viagra pills.
Thanks for Nothing
Windows XP PRO SP2
Re:Dear Internet, (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Reminds me... (Score:3, Funny)
McD Guy: A Big Mac and a Coke. That's 6,99
Bill G: I have just ordered a Big Mac
McD Guy: The Coke belongs to this. It's part of the whole package
Bill G: What? I won't pay the Coke!
McD Guy: You don't need to. The Coke is free!
Bill G: But the Big Mac alone was 3,99 before this?
McD Guy: Thats right, but the Big Mac has new features now. It has a Coke included!
Bill G: I have just drunk a Coke. I don't need another!
McD Guy: Then you won't have a Big Mac!
Bill G: Ok, I'll pay 3,99 and won't take the Coke!
McD Guy: You can't separate parts of the whole package! Big Mac and Coke are integrated seamlessly!
Bill G: That's bullshit! Big Mac and Coke are two independent things!
McD Guy: Let me show you something! (dips the Big Mac in the Coke)
Bill G: What's that suppose to mean?
McD Guy: That's in the interest of our customers! That's how we can guarantee the same taste in all of our products!
Re:Dear Slashdot... (Score:3, Funny)
Windows Responds. (Score:5, Funny)
Dear SC:
If you think you're going to just dump me and leave after you've used me for all these years, you have something else coming, bub.
I was a tramp when you met me, and you should have known this. I was brash, got around, was completely unstable. You weren't particularily good to me either -- you'd just disappear for hours every time you wanted to play Doom with your buddies.
And it wasn't as if you didn't have other options. There was that nice, stable, amd smart OS/2 next door who had eyes for you. OS/2 was smart, sophisticated, let you do more at once, and could handle twice the bits I could. But you wanted someone who got around, who had been with all your friends, and who didn't require you to think or learn anything, who let you leave me and covort around with your old DOS buddies whenever you wanted.
I did everything I could to try to hide the good life from you. I gave you some flash once in a while, but no substance. For some reason, you stuck around. I was always afraid you and your friends who used me would notice, so I had to take drastic measures.
First off, I had to routinely sneak into your house in every new PC you bought, even if you or your friends didn't want me around. In fact, even if you couold go to sufficient lengths to make sure I didn't sneak back into your home, you still had to pay for my services. You paid, and got nothing in return. And yet you still kept coming back.
I didn't like some of your friends. That DR-DOS guy bugged me, so I went somewhat haywire everytime you invited him around. I didn't want you to see that there were ways to improve me -- I never had any intention of improving.
Eventually you started noticing that my bits were only half of what the others were offering, so I promised I'd change. That I too would have 32 bits like the others.
And you believed me like a sucker. At first I claimed to support 32 bits through Win32s, but it was really just some more 16 bit stuff in a 32 bit disguise. I kept changing at random, not for your benifit, but to make sure you couldn't leave me by breaking OS/2's ability to run my software every month or so. Poor OS/2 was running around in circles trying to attract you by keeping up with my useless changes.
Then suddenly in 1995 I decided to get some cosmetic surgery. You were stunned when you saw me, but really I just showed the cosmetic surgeon some pictures of OS/2 and MacOS and had him take bits and pieces from them and re-shape me to look like their bastard child. I was still ugly underneath, with serious problems. I still couldn't do more than one thing at a time very well, was still unstable, and still got around with all your friends.
Worse yet, now even if you had wanted to get rid of me, I was going to show up. When you decided to upgrade your old 486 to a shiney new Pentium, I showed up uninvited. When you upgraded that Pentium to a faster model, I once again showed up, even though you already had paid for my services and held a valid license. I kept sucking your wallet dry, and was still mentally unstable.
Then I became schitzophrenic, and started offering myself in a real 32 bit version without the cosmetic surgury. But you avoided me because I wouldn't play with your old DOS games, and had serious issues that were new and strange to you.
In 1998, you started to sour. I'd been abusing you for years, but you like the sucker you are continued to stick around. I offered you a way to get onto the Information Superhighway, but ensured you could only do so in my way, when I felt like letting you. Sure OS/2 had been letting people do this for a few years -- I kept you away from the game as long as possible, but in the end, in order to keep you, I finally relented and gave you access to the new highway.
By 2000, I was able to become cocky, and my schitzophrenia grew worse. You had every right and option to leave me, but I had put blue screens over all your windows so you could
Re:Dear Internet, (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Can't get to site (Score:1, Funny)
Now, for the mac users out there, what would you use in place of virtualpc?
Your macintosh.
Re:This is stupid... (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Wow... (Score:3, Funny)
Oh, hey, no. It's great for disguising my pr0n collection:
Re:Article Text (Score:5, Funny)
I am sorry to hear of the difficulties understanding my ways. I only offered you so many options so that I could try and work the way you wanted me to. Not everyone understands my flexibility.
I wish you success with your new babe called Windows. I understand that she is very strict and will only let you perform the functions that she wants you to perform. I also hear that she is very possesive and will try and stop you talking to others not like her and if you do she will show you her nasty blue side. Not wanting to slag her off I should warn you that she has a habbit of letting others use her, command her to do things you may not like, like giving out your credit card details, using the CPU cycle you paid for to send hundreds of emails to strangers and to allow others to perform criminal acts.
So this is the end. Maybe one day you will come back and enjoy my freedoms.
Love,
Linux
Re:Reply to SC (Score:3, Funny)
"Oh, by the way... I faked all my blue screens !"
Re:Dear Internet, (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Dear Internet, (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Wow... (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Dear Internet, (Score:4, Funny)
YOW! I'm TrackBacking my blog to this post from my Barcalounger. Anyone have a Permalink?