Home Secretary Requests Fingerprint-Activated iPods 262
John Reid, Home Secretary, has called upon tech manufacturers to improve the security on their gadgets to help with his recent push to frustrate criminals. Inviting Apple, Sony, and several others to his crime fighting summit Reid hopes to attack the rising robbery numbers in the most recent Home Office figures.
Hey, disarming your citizens is working... (Score:3, Funny)
And the solution is to force vendors to give the government more tools to monitor you!
Oh, wait, you aren't citizens, but subjects. Your rights are privileges granted by the monarch, and so can be revoked at the pleasure of the government.
Re:In resoponse to the added security... (Score:2, Funny)
of course, an iPod suppository (Score:5, Funny)
So why mess about with half measures like fingerprint activation? After all, if you stick it someplace where the sun don't shine, ain't nobody gonna know you're iPodding. Ignoring the obvious question of who the hell would try to steal an anally inserted iPod, who would purchase an (obviously) stolen / used anally insertable iPod?
Why the market for stolen iPods would close up tight.
Re:Home run (Score:1, Funny)
That's your wife. As opposed to your Away Secretary at work, who is a lot more fun.
Re:Brilliant! (Score:5, Funny)
Something about this.... (Score:4, Funny)
Fingerprint reader = lame. Thermite = cool. (Score:5, Funny)
Well, maybe not security
I propose that we build a small quantity of plastic explosives or thermite into every new portable device. They will take commands from the GSM cellular network and, upon command from the manufacturer, on receiving word from the original purchaser that the device has been stolen, explode/melt and blow/burn pieces of the device into the criminal's (or person who received said stolen property) face/hands/thighs. It will also have the handy side-effect of securely deleting confidential data. We'll just need some laws to indemnify manufacturers and owners from said criminals' lawsuits, and after that, we'll just let the problems work themselves out.
I foresee this having a slight negative impact on the used-equipment-on-eBay market, but overall I think it'll be a good thing.
What could possibly go wrong?
Re:Home run (Score:3, Funny)
Re:In resoponse to the added security... (Score:2, Funny)
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Frustrate Criminals with DRM and Rootkits... (Score:2, Funny)
Better yet, identify for retinal scan (Score:3, Funny)
Kirk: Genesis? Which one, Peter Gabriel or Phil Collins?
Khan: Don't insult my intelligence, Kirk!
Re:Fingerprint reader = lame. Thermite = cool. (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Fingerprint reader = lame. Thermite = cool. (Score:3, Funny)
Always think on the bright side! (Score:2, Funny)
I can see it now, Uncle Jobs on the stage unveiling this amazing reinvention. I think it will inject neurotoxin into whoever's print does not match. An on top of that, it will shout "Exterminate!" like a Dalek! But what if your print doesn't scan correctly and you are injected? Easy, just rescan your print correctly and it will give you a dose of an antidote!
Fire him. (Score:2, Funny)