British Royal Navy Submarines Now Run Windows 725
meist3r writes "On his Government blog, Microsoft's Ian McKenzie announced today that the Royal Navy was ahead of schedule for switching their nuclear submarines to a customized Microsoft Windows solution dubbed 'Submarine Command System Next Generation (SMCS NG)' which apparently consists of Windows 2000 network servers and XP workstations. In the article, it is claimed that this decision will save UK taxpayers £22m over the next ten years. The installation of the new system apparently took just 18 days on the HMS Vigilant. According to the BAE Systems press release from 2005, the overall cost of the rollout was £24.5m for all eleven nuclear submarines of the Vanguard, Trafalgar and Swiftsure classes. Talk about staying with the sinking ship."
BSOD (Score:5, Funny)
How deep? (Score:5, Funny)
The last time I drove my car into a lake the windows didn't last past 15 feet. Of course my car is American, and those Brits have that funky metric system, so who knows?
(Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week)
Obvious reason (Score:5, Funny)
The navy liked their version of minesweeper best.
Re:BSOD (Score:5, Funny)
Won't work (Score:5, Funny)
Classic title! (Score:4, Funny)
From "Das Boot" to "ReBoot".
HMS Bob (Score:5, Funny)
HMS Bob: "Das Not Boot."
Re:Obvious reason (Score:4, Funny)
Nevermind the Minesweeper, i hear it runs all variants of Code Red [wikipedia.org] with no installation hassles too.
Re:save UK taxpayers 22m? (Score:5, Funny)
Don't you mean gnuke? :)
other news (Score:5, Funny)
Wolfgang Petersen is reportedly preparing to make "Das Reboot", a (very) short sequel.
Sometimes, I just switch it off and on again... (Score:4, Funny)
That'll explain this recent Royal Navy advert.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=aDHPCr5m4ko [youtube.com]
The subs the least of our problems (Score:5, Funny)
Re:How deep? (Score:3, Funny)
... those Brits have that funky metric system, so who knows?
(Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week)
Part of the joke? You know, then, the measurement system used in the US is called the English System for a reason, right? OK, just checking.
Re:Classic title! (Score:2, Funny)
Wasn't it U-Boot [wikipedia.org] ?
With Windows aboard, they couldn't find a better name !
Re:Learning from prior mistakes (Score:5, Funny)
They did indeed learn from past mistakes and are remarkably forward-thinking. They made a boat that was doomed to fail miserably, named it the Titanic, and said it was unsinkable. Many years later there was a movie made about it that was a box-office smash hit. They're now seeding an even bigger future movie by making certain that ALL their boats will sink.
Comment removed (Score:3, Funny)
Re:The subs the least of our problems (Score:5, Funny)
Oh yeah? How about "The USAF accidentally dropped a nuclear bomb in Redmond, WA that fortunately didn't explode, but damaged the building of famous Windows OS maker Microsoft, instantly crushing CEO Steve Ballmer and the entire marketing team into a pulp."
Feel better now?
I am relieved! (Score:5, Funny)
Now I can sleep safer knowing that if the Brits are about to launch a nuclear missile from a submarine and start WWIII, a UAC window will pop up asking if they are sure about it.
Re:How deep? (Score:5, Funny)
Actually we call it 'Imperial' units.
Damn colonials are getting uppity again, Ponsenby...
Mark
Clippy (Score:5, Funny)
wellington said it best (Score:3, Funny)
'I don't know if they frighten the enemy, but they scare the hell out of me.'
at least they're up front about it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDHPCr5m4ko [youtube.com]
what do you want to do? (Score:5, Funny)
Not a nice environment to work in (Score:5, Funny)
Now think about a corporate drone using Windows. Your desktop is locked down, updates are rolled out by IT. If your machine is taken over by an IE exploit, the Exchange server fails, etc. etc., there is nothing you can do about it.
Conclusion: Windows is the appropriate operating system for submarines.
Comment removed (Score:4, Funny)
Here's where the real savings are (Score:5, Funny)
Windows made the submarines on-the-shelf hardware, they'll be sitting pretty on some reef shelf in no time.
Mr. Malda, I'm submitting the news article for 2009-01-19 ahead of time:
Microsoft's Ian McKenzie announced today that the entire Royal Navy Nuclear Submarine fleet had sunk due to a Windows buffer overflow. HMS Vigilant's captain, Commander Bob Anstey, said: "I heard my 1st officer shouting 'Captain, Be SOD, Overflow!', so I yelled at him: 'Get the caulking guns ready, you SOD!' and he just gave me a blank stare and said: 'We cannot caulk this one, sir! Vigilant's a goner!' Well, bugger me!"
In other news:
HMS Vigilant's captain, Commander Bob Anstey allegedly accidentally fired a nuclear missile at Redmond, Washington in an attempt to complete the Windows Activation of the newly installed 'Submarine Command System Next Generation' customized Windows XP system. "It was a bug, yes, that's it. Some kind of unfortunate bug triggered the 19-step launch sequence," said Commander Anstey. Nobody at or near Microsoft could be reached for a comment.
Re:The subs the least of our problems (Score:5, Funny)
Re:I am relieved! (Score:5, Funny)
Re:BSOD (Score:5, Funny)
How about this instead? http://www.flickr.com/photos/rowandw/2276721446/ [flickr.com]
Seems more appropriate given the topic.
Re:Obvious reason (Score:3, Funny)
it sounds like you are a real minesweeper consultant. are you a solitaire expert as well?
It's Blue!!! It's Blue!!! (Score:4, Funny)
In the great coordinate plain of life, we seem to have a situation where the line tracing British IQ and the line tracing the mortality of the human race are getting perilously close. I've always taken comfort in the fact that mouth breathers and knuckle draggers seemed to remain alive almost in spite of their gross stupidity. Now a bunch of twits from the dept. of silly walks decides that the most expedient means of managing a nuclear force is with an operating system whose answer to digital indigestion is at best rebooting and at worst reinstallation. I can only imagine how that might impact (and I use the word "IMPACT" in all it's most unpleasant possible meanings) a critical nuclear encounter.
Some additional new possible acronyms;
DBSD ----- Deep Blue Sea of Death
BGAD ----- Blue Glass Ashtray of Death
RBGD ----- Radioactive Blue Glow of Death
BSOA ----- Blue Screen of Armageddon
O-SHT ---- The Missile Ranger is Turning Blue Because Windows Has Wedged and He Can't Abort the Missile Launch!!!
Re:Obvious reason (Score:1, Funny)
I've been thinking about moving out of my mums' basement lately... what's the rent like under bridges these days?
Re:save UK taxpayers 22m? (Score:1, Funny)
Going open source would save even more money, no?
Or maybe they wanted to just make a one-time payment for Windows and not hire a Linux admin, because it's easier to configure the things they need in Windows, people are more familiar with it and don't need to spend time to learn new stuff, I doubt any external users would have access to their network and there may be other reasons we're not aware of.
/lib, other times from /usr/lib and other times from /local/lib. There are multiple versions of the same libraries, with different functionalities which appear under the same version number in each of these directories. Can someone help me, please?
./nuke-launch /home/linuxzealot/nukez/src/lib/src/build/nuke.so /home/linuxzealot/nukez/maps/europe/general/europe-map-0.1.33-beta-delta-psi
Windows does what they need. The BSOD is extremely rare on 2k/XP.
"Going open-source" can also mean something like:
IT: Captain, we're doing down!
Captain: Fix that computer problem!
IT: I'm trying, I've posted the question on two forums, but we're in a bad timezone, sir.
Meanwhile, on forum.freedom_from_microsoft_forum_hackers.com:
NEW POST: USN Hi guys, I have a problem with my Linux server. Sometimes it loads libraries from
NEW POST: Kid in garage RTFM!
NEW POST: USN I did that and I searched on google and I asked on IRC. There were some things but they were pretty unclear to me and I lost the URLS. They didn't show up in my browser because I was using the latest version which respects the W3C standards but the pages were made to be compliant with older browsers.
NEW POST: Other kid in garage What distribution are you running?
NEW POST: USN This is the US Navy, we're using Kopper Kidney Kinux, kernel 1.0.0.0.0.1
NEW POST: Kid in garage I'm sorry, the support for that distribution has stopped a long time ago, here's a torrent of the lates Zupper Zume Zinux, kernel 1.0.0.0.0.2. Everyone who knew something about your distro moved on and forgot about it.
NEW POST: USN But I can't just update all the servers, we're sinking and these waters are full of sharks! I need a solution for my distro ASAP!
NEW POST: Other kid in garage Fuck Microsoft! Yeah! Linux rules! NEW POST: Kid in garage What are you talking about? What water? What sharks? Are you high?
NEW POST: Admin: This forum has been closed, because I'm going on vacation and there's nobody to watch it for a couple of weeks. See you after x-mas and happy new year, everyone!
Back on the submarine:
Captain: Damn it man, did you fix that problem? Just reboot the computers and it will most likely go away, that's what I do at home...
IT: Sir, this is Linux; it's so stable that rebooting it won't help, it will remain in the same stable (and buggy) state. But there were also some modifications we made to the system without rebooting in the past two years - hey, btw, check out my penis size! - which my get broken if we reboot...
Captain: Then just rebuild everything!
IT: I'm sorry, sir, but my religion won't allow me to reinstall Linux.
Captain: I read something around here that says our computers are in used by gnomes, what the fuck is going on?
And the IT goes back to his computer:
IT: tar zxvf nuke-launch-0.3.9-alpha
IT: cd nuke-launch-0.3.9-alpha
IT:
IT: Damn typo! No, I meant version 0.1.34! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Computer: Kernel panic! Arrrghhhhhhhhh!!!
IT: write captain@deck sir, the computer just panicked, i think we really have a problem.
Why do some people think that Windows can ONLY mean bad things? And yeah, everyone remembers the BSODs we used to get back in '98 until 2001, but nobody remembers the "kernel panic," because it was less c
Re:BSOD (Score:5, Funny)
Useful on a sub (Score:5, Funny)
See, this is actually an elegant solution, as the bloat will act as a redundant buoyancy system in case of the inevitable blue-screen crush.
Comment removed (Score:3, Funny)
Genuine advantage... (Score:3, Funny)
Re:The subs the least of our problems (Score:3, Funny)
Why isn't there a +1 Terrifying?
Sinking ship? (Score:5, Funny)
Windows Security Certification (Score:5, Funny)
In Soviet Russia (Score:4, Funny)
Re:BSOD (Score:5, Funny)
On my work PC (I don't work in I.T at the moment) the Sysinternal screensaver BSOD was installed as part of the build. Don't ask me why.
I set it as my default screensaver and thought it was a bit of fun, that is until when I was away on a business trip (trying to RDesktop in) and there was no response from my PC.
One of the I.T helpdesk muppets had noticed the BSOD on my monitor, not realised it was a screensaver and took my PC away and reimaged it.
I wasn't happy!
Re:How deep? (Score:2, Funny)
lol.. tell me about it..
I measure in Feet and inches, order sweets in pounds and ounces, buy my milk by the pint but fill my car in litres and take the temperature in celcius..
People keep using metric around me and I have to sit there an convert it.. Worst time was in a corner shop I asked for a half of floral gums and a quarter of miget gems, she asked me "half a KILO??" bloody kids.
I can see it now. "DIVE DIVE DIVE", Sorry sir the server has just blue screened we have to reboot."
"Launch the Nukes", "Sir yes sir", "Sir I have clicked the button, however explorer has hung"
Re:"18 Days" (Score:5, Funny)
It didn't take 18 days to install windows. It took 18 days to re-cable the whole submarine with an ethernet network, replace all the computers, AND install windows. I'd like to see you rewire a submarine in that time...
I can't believe I just defended the military.
this is a joke (Score:1, Funny)
Re:How deep? (Score:5, Funny)
...I know a pint...
Ah, a fine university education at work.
Re:How deep? (Score:5, Funny)
Sorry, but that is clearly a fail, not a fine (british) university education.
It's _pints_. Plural. Always.
Re:Learning from prior mistakes (Score:5, Funny)
> ... making certain that ALL their boats will sink
These boats are submarines. They'd be broken if they _didn't_ sink.
Re:Learning from prior mistakes (Score:5, Funny)
So, the USS Yorktown was an actual real life fail boat?
Re:Obvious reason (Score:4, Funny)
Ah so your irish!
Are Microsofties REALLY that confident? (Score:3, Funny)
I would love to see a group of 100 Microsoft executives taken down thousands of feet under the ocean's surface and then informed that the entire vessel is run under a Microsoft Windows operating network. With bio-monitoring devices attached to each of them, I have to wonder how many of them would not cringe at the news that their safety was in the hands of their "no longer supported" operating systems.
I am not sure how we could work Samuel L Jackson into this plot, but it would make a pretty funny movie, I think. "Das-Reboot"
Das Reboot (Score:5, Funny)
Just came here to say "Das Reboot" in a random place.
Re:Those who do not know history... (Score:3, Funny)
First, Wellington wasn't in the Navy.
as any fan of blackadder would know. :-)
wellington:The men had a whip-round and got you this. Well, what I mean is I had the men roundly whipped until they got you this. It's a cigarillo case engraved with the regimental crest of two crossed dead Frenchmen, emblazoned on a mound of dead Frenchmen motif. - some of the funniest words ever on tv.
rather i saw it as an english officer talking of those that were supposed to be supporting him.
Second, he said it of Spanish officers, not the British Navy.
strange i'd always heard it used as a description of the irish soldiers under his command. i've seen it in print form as well as on the web.
For real Navy incompetence, you need to look no further than John Jervis, Lord St. Vincent. His idea of blockade was so close that its main danger was to his own ships, which were often wrecked close inshore. Appointed to shore command, he couldn't see the need for all those people working in shipyards. So he sacked 20% of them and cut the pay of the rest. Hence Nelson's depleted fleet at Trafalgar. Making stupid decisions to cut costs has a long history in the Navy, beginning with the aftermath of the Armada.
which is referred to in the fictional master and command series i'm currently reading. good reading!
Re:BSOD (Score:1, Funny)
(It's not like I can't afford the karma)
Do you realize that by the slashdot moderation system a controversial post which is repeatedly modded funny can create an arbitrary amount of negative karma ?
A + funny does not give any positive karma, but it will attarct jealous downmods which do give negative karma. Usually we use this trick to shut up apple fanbois.
Re:BSOD (Score:3, Funny)
Nah... It's actually Royal Blue Screen Of Death
Clippy says... (Score:3, Funny)
...it looks like you're trying to fire a torpedo. What would you like to do?
Re:How deep? (Score:5, Funny)
"Launch the Nukes", "Sir yes sir", "Sir I have clicked the button, however it is now prompting me 'Are you sure you really want to launch Nuke?'"
*Presses YES*
"But are you really really really sure?"
*Presses YES again*
"Do you want windows to remember this choice in future?"
*Presses NO*
*paperclip appears*
"Would you like help 'Launching Nuke'?"
*Presses No*
*Walks to the main hatch in dispair*
*Opens main hatch while 100' below the surface using manual leaver to avoid that damn paperclip*
Re:BSOD (Score:5, Funny)
Frogmen DUH!
Just jack into one of the open Ethernet jacks on the outside of the sub!
Re:BSOD (Score:3, Funny)
SIGINT antennas? That must be why they are using Windows. On Unix, you could sink the sub with ctrl+c...
Re:How deep? (Score:3, Funny)
The last time I drove my car into a lake the windows didn't last past 15 feet.
Two questions spring to mind.
Firstly, how deep did the windows last the other times you drove your car into a lake?
Secondly, and probably more importantly, why the hell do you keep driving cars into lakes?!?
Re:I am relieved! (Score:3, Funny)
Missiles were launched by mouse click on British submarines (and others, I expect) before they switched to Windows, so even though HM Navy's sailors are among the best trained and most professional in the world, I do still rather hope they have a confirmation dialog.
Re:BSOD (Score:3, Funny)
... with cheese.
Re:BSOD (Score:3, Funny)
Re:How deep? (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Learning from prior mistakes (Score:3, Funny)
Depends on what you mean by "runs the whole ship". The application in question probably was related to engine control, since a technician working on a fuel valve entering the offending zero. That makes a loss of engine power easy to explain: the system that controlled the engines was offline.
None of the public descriptions of the Yorktown incident are entirely satisfactory. For example, it is often said that the faulty data caused the LAN to down. Why would that be? And why would that stop the engines?
Reading between the lines, I bet it worked something like this. I'll bet that design of the engine control system used multiple servers connected over a LAN to ensure that engine power was not lost in the case of any single computer being lost in battle. However, the servers must share data in order to make sure any one of them can take over the engines if the others are out. This makes the shared data itself a single point of failure.
Personally, I think it is unconscionable that the ship was not navigable under manual control. It may be that in such circumstances, the ship could not perform its combat functions, but it still should be able to move out of danger if at all physically possible.
With respect to whether Microsoft has any role in the incident, that is impossible to say. Why did it take so long to bring the system back online? Well, one of the aspects of SQL Server is that it lacks workable log utilities. It is impractical without such utilities to quickly bring a complex database back up to some arbitrary point in time, or to undo the consequences of a single problematic transaction unless you know exactly what the state of the system was before that point. For that reason, while that product has its good points, it's not really something I'd use where recovering data after some kind of problem is an important requirement.
Re:Das Reboot (Score:3, Funny)
Re:BSOD (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Learning from prior mistakes (Score:2, Funny)
Re:BSOD (Score:4, Funny)
We all live on a blue-screened submarine,
A blue-screened submarine,
A blue-screened submarine.
etc.
Re:How deep? (Score:3, Funny)
the British hundredweight is 112 pounds ...
I don't know what to say, other than that justifies the Revolution right there.
Re:How deep? (Score:1, Funny)
I believe that Submarine Windows will change targeting for Google's HQ and Linus Torvalds' house.
You know.. damn bugs!!