Where Does a Geek Find a Social Life? 1354
JustShootMe writes "I have a question for my fellow Slashdotters, and yes, I realize I am entering the lion's den covered in tasty meat-flavored sauce. I have never been a very social person, preferring to throw myself into technology; therefore, I've been spectacularly unsuccessful in developing any meaningful interpersonal relationships. Lately I have begun to feel that this situation is not tenable, and I would like to fix it. But I really don't know how and haven't the faintest idea where to start. I know that I am in the minority and that there are many different kinds of Slashdot readers, most of whom have more experience in this realm than I do. So please tell me: how, and more importantly, where do you meet fellow geeks — preferably including some of the opposite gender — in meatspace?"
Re:step one (Score:4, Informative)
Yeah, but is that such a bad thing? Maybe he doesn't just want a mundane, he wants a relationship with a female geek.
To the original questioner: How about finding your local a Hackerspace [wikipedia.org]? It's the perfect combination of meatspace activity and geekery. Plenty of geeky/artsy types at events like Maker Faire [makerfaire.com], or whatever your local equivalent is.
Probably an obligatory link, but... (Score:5, Informative)
meetup.com (Score:3, Informative)
Great way to connect with local people of like minds.
Re:Things I have found helpful (Score:3, Informative)
That is something I've done, and to be honest, while the LUGs that I've attended (Simi/Conejo is the one I've attended on and off for the past few years) are great and I like the guys there a lot, there is not one female in the bunch. It's certainly a great launching ground and since I've moved to OC I need to find one here, but it's certainly not going to improve my chances of dating very much.
That said, it is certainly a good way to improve one's social life and I should probably get cracking on finding one here. Thanks for a thoughtful suggestion.
Re:We need to know more.... (Score:3, Informative)
OK. It's a fair question. I intentionally left those details out because this is not a geek dating site (and it was not a geek dating question) and I really did want to dig up some generic answers to the question. But I'll answer it on this thread.
I'm 33, male, live in Orange County, CA. I'm a Linux systems engineer/administrator by trade, but I'm also a fairly good pianist/keyboardist, like making and hacking on electronic stuff, and have a rather odd interest in jets, trains, and abnormal weather. :-)
My background is a little bit unusual, which is why I'm in a position of not really knowing where to start on this. The suggestions here are very helpful so far, mostly.
Here's how I did it (Score:2, Informative)
Relationships for Geeks (Score:4, Informative)
I met my first serious girlfriend of 5 years on what used to be Yahoo Personals (I think it's still around or it's probably Match.com powered now).
My most recent (going on 3 years) girlfriend who I would consider my long term partner I met on Craigslist.org. I know it sounds lame but finding someone who was smart and shared at least a few similar interests is a challenge especially when your passion is technology.
Might be worth a try?
It takes time to get your posts right before you get responses. The best advice I can give if you try your hand at online dating is share a picture within an email or two, and make sure to meet up in person as opposed to developing a relationship via email first. People tend to be different when you meet them in person. Get out there and go on as many dates as you can. You'll find someone for you.
And people who make fun of you for trying are lonely and miserable and they are just projecting onto you because you're trying to correct your situation!
Good for you!
Just Give Up (Score:3, Informative)
What do you mean the situation is not tenable (i.e. maintainable). If you don't do anything, or if you do the wrong things, the situation will stay as it is---maintaining the status quo is easy as pie.
As to why you should give up, the answer is roughly that you probably don't have anything to offer to women. Firstly, note that only about 40% of men reproduced [fsu.edu] compared to twice that percentage for women (as inferred from mitochondrial DNA), so you're in a man's normal condition.
For some contemporary evidence that women don't need most men, just look around to notice that in general women don't hit on men sexually. Often women will only have sex with men for the first time after large amounts of alchohol. There's no culture where women pursue men instead of vice versa, so this is not merely a fact about western culture. There's also plenty of chemical evidence (e.g. women get testosterone treatment to increase their sex drive).
In fact, scientific studies (tracking eye movements) show that both straight women and straight men are more turned on by a naked women than naked men (see Matt Ridley's The Red Queen [amazon.com] for a discussion).
Finally, studies usually find that married men are much happier than unmarried men, but married women are usually no happier once the financial contribution of the man is deducted (here [nytimes.com] for example). Furthermore, married men but not women live longer and are healthier.
So anyway, I can see why you want a woman, but in general that's usually a selfish decision for a guy. Why not come to terms with your condition and lead a meaningful life in another way?
Re:Learn to dance (Score:1, Informative)
ditto. Dancing changed my life. Stick with it through the first year.
Re:Learn to dance (Score:3, Informative)
Yes, learn to dance. No, I didn't meet my wife dancing, I met her online, but she has taken me dancing and the girl to guy ratio is like 10:1.
Social life (Score:3, Informative)
Confidence (Score:2, Informative)
Don't be cocky though - it's annoying. Do group things - dancing, classes, anything really, Introduce yourself to people - it'll feel awkward, but most of them will be pleased. Remember names - saying a person's name in a sentence 3 times shortly after meeting them helps. Be polite - please, thank you, hold open doors, etc. Don't be cocky - it's annoying.* This helps you meet people - beyond that is up to you - but it's ok, no one else knows what they're doing either. -- *I typed it twice because it's important.
One non-threatening way to meet people... (Score:2, Informative)
Get involved in volunteering. It's probably not a direct and easy way to hook up, but if it's something you believe in it gives you a little common ground with the people in the group you're working with as well as another dimension to your character you can share in conversation elsewhere.
Have heard tell, for example, that some political campaigns were almost as much college-age social mixers as they were about getting the candidate elected.
Patience.... (Score:4, Informative)
Umm, you don't perhaps want to give up now do you?
Still listening? Sigh! Biology has you by the balls, eh?
Ok. First off. Wash. Squeaky clean, shaved and no smells.
Next, practice. Practice on a captive chained wage slave.... I mean till operator.
Practice, being polite, nice, more interested in what they are interested in than in yourself, complimentary. You know that incredibly boring weather and hair stuff smalltalk (not the OOP language) you hate? Get over that and practice anyway. Not about tech, not about what's wrong with your life, but what the girl is saying, doing, thinking.
Be always squeaky clean and nice. The next step is tricky... you see, men deceive themselves that they can get the girls. It's the other way round. Human biology works the other way.
Men merely demonstrate that they at least have some capability of being molded into a domesticated breeding partner.... and then the girls take their pick.
Thereafter make yourself available. Place yourself in contexts where the opposite gender exist. Going to Linux meetings or motorbike meets is not what I mean. Church socials are an excellent place, visit married friends (with eligible friends and sisters), ...
Umm, let be a bit clearer.. Nature's course is some girl will attempt to mold you like putty. Change what you wear and how, what you eat, how you live, what you do etc. If you show you are (to the appropriate degree) pliable...AND more interested in what she is doing and saying than your tech.
She may decide you are marriagable material.
Still here? Sure you don't want a new netbook instead? Or perhaps an inflatable friend?
Sigh! Girls, they're the ultimate bait and switch.
And NO, you not having my wife, get your own. I may grumble, but I wouldn't swop her for anything. Not even a new motorbike.
Re:CL (Score:5, Informative)
Try this little experiment:
There are scant few real women trying to find relationships there...unless you're looking for the paying kind, or the old (read, 50+) hopeless romantic.
Re:Really? (Score:3, Informative)
I know that gay geeks exist. I had one as a boss.
Re:I'm not that much of a geek, (Score:3, Informative)
Unitarian Universalist. Something I've been considering too.
Re:Learn to dance (Score:3, Informative)
I second Swing. I've been doing it for 3 years, and it is great way to get exercise, just take a look at this [youtube.com] if you don't believe me. Of course, it doesn't start out that fast, very few people, even those who have been doing it for years can't dance that fast for any amount of time.
Plus, it has a very goofy, carefree attitude, which can be easier to approach than the intense, "stare passionately into your partner's eyes" that the Latin family of dances tend to have. Just about any lack of skill can be excused by a big dopey smile.
Lastly, and I have no idea why this is, but swing dancers tend to be techy. At my local scene, almost all (no joke, like 80%) of the guys are either Computer Science or Computer Engineering. The girls are a bit more diverse, but cluster around biomed or applied math/econ.
But the advice of the parent is essential. If you make it clear that you are there to pick up girls, you will quickly become "that creepy guy." On the other hand, I've known fat old guys whom all the college girls are lining up to throw themselves on, so attitude plays a huge part.
Re:What do you like to do? (Score:3, Informative)
Habitat for Humanity might be a good choice here; lots of skills needed, the opportunity for simple "grunt" work that doesn't take a lot of skill in a new field so it would be a nice break from geekdom, and again all kinds of people working towards a common purpose. Where did I get this thought? From one of my knitting magazines, talking about how a family getting one of these houses was also given a number of knitted items from a local knitting club. Maybe the "geek" of the group would be able to wire the house for networking, even arrange for a couple of donated used computers that he could repair and set up.
Re:Go old school (Score:5, Informative)
Assuming guy looking for women: church, craft stores and shows, classical music concerts (musicians), amateur theater, Mac computer organizations have more women, Word SIGs, camera clubs, community college night courses. Married co-workers' wives have single friends. Volunteer groups, food banks, Salvation Army,
I hope you read this... (Score:3, Informative)
Get outside and just start talking to people. talk to people at work, at mcdonalds, at the mall, etc.
Start talking and interacting with people and the friendships and relationships will follow. You simply need to get people to know you, even if its your opinion about the burger they're eating while they sit next to you --- to get the seed of a fruitful relationship planted.
And, from a guy who has been a computer nerd since 1993 (when i was 12), computers and geekery (aka via. technology) will not (generally) facilitate an answer for you in this department. Forums, myspace, facebook, whatever... they will all fail you in that your correspondence lacks real impact and emotion and it will not be taken as seriously or with the level of importance that a personal conversation has.
Get out there, start talking. You will eventually find people that like you, and possibly a chick that wants to do you.
Good luck out there. If there is anything else I can add, in big cities its harder to talk to random people because they usually seem irrationally afraid you're going to rob or rape them. its crappy... small town people are really easy to warm up to in any old place.
Re:step one (Score:5, Informative)
I would also suggest just going to things that interest you. Chances are that you'll find people there that you find interesting and who find you interesting. Plus you'd already have something in common.
The thing is that "I have to go to this place and find people who will like me" should not be your goal. You should go to things that you want to go to or are interested in. Going places just to meet people with the "will you be my friend" thing tends to make you come off as weird and not in the good way.
I met most of my really good friends that way. So have a lot, if not most, of the people I know.
Re:Go old school (Score:3, Informative)
Alternatively, find a group of friends who are not geeks at all. Well, they are but just not the computer variety. I found that the geek chicks were just too hotly contested for and you were automatically dumped in the wrong category.
I met my wife through some lawyers (gag originally not intended). There are plenty of hot lawyer and doctor chicks around that cannot stand their counterparts (see any similarities?). Plus, I think there is a strong compatibility there cause they like bouncing ideas off you.
Find some of the more sociable geeks you work/play with and get to the pubs (not clubs) for friday afternoon drinks near those sort of districts. Hang out regularly and just be friendly.
Re:Really? (Score:3, Informative)
Unfortunately, gay porn is becoming more and more common and accepted, so you're going to see some of those gay programmers start to slide...
Re:Probably an obligatory link, but... (Score:1, Informative)
There's some good advise there, but a warning: ESR is not well liked by female geeks.
Yup -- lots of geeky guys, geeky/normal girls (Score:2, Informative)
I started dancing (primarily vintage swing -- Lindy Hop & Balboa) at age 23 with zero experience, rhythm, coordination, or fitness. Since then, I've driven 15,000+ miles just to dance and met hundreds of people across the northeastern US.
Dancing is a great way to make a wide variety of friends in all sorts of geographic locations.
*** Plenty of women, from a variety of backgrounds
*** Plenty of fellow geek men (ie math or sciences). Something about the structured social interaction and dancing makes it attractive to us. It's much less intimidating than going out to a club. Dancing is easier with a partner -- the responsibility for performing is diffused & shared, and coordination is biomechanically easier with someone else to help you. At least initially, the dance patterns are standardized (though there are many layers of variations and subtle differences that can be introduced at a higher level). Also, in an evening of social dance, you're expected to dance with a whole bunch of diff people, so you're forced to meet new people :-)
Women that I meet while dancing are never surprised when I tell them that I'm in CS. There are at least four male PhD student dancers (ballroom and swing) who work in my hallway. This phenomena is pretty general: high dance penetration in many CS, physics, and math departments around the country. I get a kick whenever I see a swing DJ post on a Bugzilla for a Linux media app, or geek out on hardware/software on the forums.
Good info: http://socialdance.stanford.edu/syllabi/musings.htm [stanford.edu]
Are you still in university? Great options.
*** Go to social dance club. They're usually pretty big, with plenty of n00bs. At my school, 90% of the active members are PhD students in math/science.
*** Go take the level one dance studio class (i.e. modern, ballet, hip hop). Gender ratio is in your favor for meeting women (about 10% guys, 90% girls). Plenty of awkward guys there, so you won't be too embarrassed. As one of the few guys in the class, you automatically stand out socially -- people will want to know why you're taking that class.
Re:Here are some ideas... (Score:0, Informative)
Going to church, attending bible study groups etc really DOES give a good starting point for finding the best spouse (and more importantly for saving your soul).
PS: Glitch23: I attend church and read slashdot regularly. I don't think religion and slashdotting contradict each other. :)
Don't forget to pull the trigger. (Score:5, Informative)
There's lots of great advice in this thread about location, and tips on how not to freak someone else out.
But one thing to keep in mind, probably tip number 1 in my mind anyways, is once you've met someone interesting, don't forget to pull the trigger.
By this, I mean you have to act if you want to get anywhere. Don't worry too much about the consequences of said actions, and play it relaxed. So, if you see a lady you might be interested in, strike up a conversation. See if you can get 5 minutes of not-uncomfortable small talk. If you can get that far, maybe ask if she'd like to continue the conversation over coffee. Don't suggest coffee at a later date (but don't argue if that's what she counters with) -- just do it.
Commit yourself to coffee and nothing more. Do your best to convince yourself that the entire meeting ends once the cup is empty, and just focus on having a meaningful encounter for 20 or 30 minutes.
If things are going well, hint that it would be fun to meet up again sometime. If she agrees, ask for her number.
When you call her back, have something interesting that you'd like to suggest doing. Dinner is always safe, but make sure the restaurant matches the girl (eg. if during coffee she mentioned that she moved from the coast to Wisconsin, and misses Indian food, see if you can find somewhere with a wicked curry - don't, however, just book a dinner at a nice restaurant and assume that's OK). Better than dinner, try finding an activity, with a fixed start and stop time, that could be fun for both of you. Maybe there's a con or a concert in the park, or you and some friends are heading to the beach for an afternoon with a bar-b-q (note: this is only a good idea if there are other ladies coming, four dudes on an empty beach will be creepy).
If you think things are going well, and you feel a spark, initiate some kind of physical encounter. Start with casual touch (putting your hand on her shoulder, or on the small of her back), then move up to less casual from there. The more basic contact there is, the less creepy non-standard contact will seem. That is, if you kiss someone out of nowhere it will feel strange. If you have already been in physical contact, it's the next logical step. Also, this gives you a good way to assess how she's feeling. If she recoils in terror, you're probably not getting lucky tonight. If she's fine with it, or if she seems into it, awesome. Then, by all means, man up and kiss her when the time seems good. (But don't' wait too long or she'll get confused and think that you're her new gay knitting friend. You have intentions, let her know them.) A lot of geeks fool themselves into not acting on the physical side, by saying things like 'I'm respecting her boundaries by letting her pick the level of physicality...' Blah blah blah, most (not all) women are taught to not initiate things like a first kiss - they are supposed to flirt and encourage you to act, but not to actually do it. If you don't, you'll both end up waiting.
At this point, I leave the rest up to you.
OK, so this seems like pretty basic advice, but all of this is a specific counter to something that would block your standard socially awkward introvert:
- Not starting a conversation. (Just talk to her!)
- Not asking for a date. (Coffee is a date, but isn't scary.)
- Putting too much pressure on the first date. (You're just meeting someone, not assessing their potential as a life partner)
- Not calling her back. (Why do people ask for numbers they won't use?)
- Being over the top, or too generic in the second date. (Pick specific, interesting, encounters. And yes, your selection is a test.)
- Scared of physical encounter. (Touching is good.)
- Not getting past the friend barrier. (Once you are kissing someone, they have a good idea of where the relationship is going.)
Re:Here are some ideas... (Score:3, Informative)
Hunh, joining a Dharma group certainly improved my social life. I have a genuinely frightening number of friends, and I've been married for seven years. So this trick works even if you're afraid of Jesus - just join a group that's more attractive to you.
According to QI ... (Score:3, Informative)
... that's bollocks. Not that I'm taking QI as the arbiter of whether something is bollocks or not. Discussion here [qi.com] (do a search for "Camel") and as discussed in the show [comedy.org.uk].
Also The Straight Dope [straightdope.com].
Re:Really? (Score:3, Informative)
Up to 31 candidates even in a non-hub location isn't particularly bad, actually. Definitely better than up to five with the usual unary counting system.
Re:Where Does a Geek Find a Social Life? (Score:1, Informative)
And besides that, its kind of stupid to try to find yourself a geek girlfriend. It may sound nice first, but your world viewing will be really limited and she will be just another nerdy thing there. I have a girlfriend that isn't really that nerdy at all, and shes dragged me to places I wouldn't otherwise go, but its always been fun in the end then and I get to see totally new aspect of life, not just the computer and internet. People need a push to do something different, and thats the perfect and most fun push. So dont again limit your activies to the nerdy stuff.
I disagree, to a point. My boyfriend is doubtlessly more geeky than I am, but I am about 80% there :) Trust me, you want a partner who understands you or is willing to learn about things you think are cool. Having things in common is great to keep up a strong relationship - BUT, I also must agree with sopssa to a point. I am the reason he goes outside once in a while (!), the reason he now loves Greek food, and now we play Wii Fit together so he can lose some weight...sigh, too much college food and WoW while I was away.
If you can meet a cool-sounding chick online, just be yourself if you decide to meet irl and see if things work. Don't try to dress all fine-wine and go out if what you will be spending most of your time together doing is...I dunno, movie of her choice then taquitos (or other non-controller-ruining snacky food) and Mario Galaxy, a date night that I highly recommend.
TLDR: Keep enough differences for a lively relationship, enough similarities for a strong one.
Re:Patience.... (Score:3, Informative)
That's a great point!
You can't "get" women> . They're selective (at least any one you would want is selective). What you're actually doing it making yourself more interesting and attractive (in a "I could marry this guy at some point" way, not a "I wonder if he can get backstage passes?" way).
Also, you sound young, so this is going to sound amazingly stupid, however I'll say it anyway:
Find someone you actually like a lot, not just someone you want to screw. Sex is great, but wears off after a while. Even the guys who snag supermodels figure out that "really hot" doesn't outweigh "dumb as a stump", "boring" or "psycho bitch on wheels."
Re:Here are some ideas... (Score:5, Informative)
Thankfully, the Unitarian Universalist churches don't require you to believe anything about Jesus except that either he (or whoever made up what he said) had some pretty good ideas about how to treat people. They tend to be very inclusive of atheists as well as theists of all stripes.
You'll find the answer obvious yet unsatisfying (Score:2, Informative)
I hate to sound like every Disney and sitcom character during the epiphany stage of the movie or episode, but the honest answer is that you just have to come to terms with yourself before you'll be able to find the confidence to meet people.
All the above advice about what you should or shouldn't do, where you should or shouldn't go, isn't going to matter one bit if you arn't comfortable enough with yourself to be able to offer the good times, support, excitement, and attraction that your potential mate is looking for in a man. To be an attractive candidate, you have to be self-sustaining. You have to make it clear that you are low maintenance and willing and able to shrug off the small stuff so that you can give a girl the uncomplicated, stress-free, not-difficult-in-any-way good times that she's been looking for. The moment you start to clam up or backpedal or panic, their interest in you will dry up.
In other words, once you learn to let go a bit, stop fretting over finding someone, stop self-analyzing and being self-conscious, and finally become honest and comfortable with the type of person that you are, you'll be able to be open and honest with the people you meet. You won't have to ever put on a show or google for jedi mind tricks you can use in social situations, because you'll be strong enough to say "if this person likes me, then great. If not, that's fine, we're just not the right type for each other" and move on.
That's not to say that it's not possible to find someone who's equally 'immature' in terms of their self-discovery who would be willing to spend time with you. But neither of you will be happy because it will be a constant effort to prove yourselves to each other over and over until someone can't deal with it any more. Any woman who HAS reached that level of maturity will recognize that you're not ready for a relationship shortly after you approach them, and hopefully let you down easy.
I find that the challenges inherent in describing to someone how to be emotionally mature are reminiscent of Plato's allegory of the cave. Once you see the light it's difficult to come back and describe how to find it to the people who are looking for the truth. It IS there, though, a self-discovery waiting to happen, and when you find it, you'll wonder how you could ever have had trouble finding your very own sweetheart. There isn't much I can do to tell you about how to interpret yourself, though. That's why there isn't such a thing as man page for the human heart.
Re:Don't forget to pull the trigger. (Score:3, Informative)
I really suggest reading "An Intelligent Life - A Practical Guide to Relationships, Intimacy and Self-Esteem" by Julian Short. It sounds like you don't have a lot of self-esteem and this book teaches you how to address the problem. It's very scientific and ties into our evolution. I also don't have a lot of self-esteem and it has really helped me.
There are ways to do the first touch as if it is inadvertent. Or you can even just relax about avoiding touching a girl and you will sometimes brush each other accidentally. You could always kind of usher her through a door or a crowd guiding her back with your hand or something.
However, I don't think you need to worry too much about touching them first before making a move/kissing them. There is nothing wrong with doing this as long as you already have something of a rapport with them and you make your move in a clear and deliberate way and they are aware of what you are doing. You don't need to do this in situations that are super scary (suddenly kissing a hot stranger). If you are the center of attention then I don't doubt you will meet or know girls who are sending you signals that they like you are want you to make a move. When you are talking to them and you sense this, wait for a pause, keep looking into their eyes and start moving into the kissing position.
They will realise what you are doing and start moving their heads, or they will not move their head or pull back. Anyway, it should be really obvious from their faces as to how they feel about the idea so you will know whether to proceed (some girls with play hard to get and not let you know they want you to kiss them, but not many I think). The important thing to remember (I hope I can remember it!) is that you will be fine if they reject you for whatever reason and will learn from the experience.
Probably the reason you can't have conversations with people who are worse than you, is that you feed off each others anxieties (he looks anxious, I'm not doing a good job). You just need to work on your self-esteem I think.
Lots of Different Ways (Score:2, Informative)
I'll start this long post with a story to illustrate my point:
A few years ago, I was living down in Boca Raton, FL. For those who don't know the area, this is a little north of Miami along the east coast. One weekend, I drove down to Key West to go kayaking (by myself). I'd been out for a few hours, when I stopped off to eat lunch at a little island off the coast (just barely close enough to still see the coastline, probably further out than is really safe with the tidal patterns down there). To my surprise, I found another person there. She had been out kayaking as well, and her kayak sprung a leak. We split my lunch and I looked at her kayak, which was beyond what we could repair out on the island. At this point, it is getting late, and the tide is turning. I was in a single kayak, so there wasn't room for both of us. I didn't want to take off and leave her there, and she refused to leave me there with her kayak. We ended up spending the night out on this little scrub island, and the next morning she took my kayak in (I was picked up later that day when her kayak outfitter sent out a boat). Once back, I paddled down to my outfitter, turned my kayak in and drove back to Boca. Later that night, she shows up at my place. We eventually dated for about 8 months, before she was transferred to Virginia.
She had some very geeky traits, which I loved (what really impressed me at first was that she managed to find my address so quickly). If you want to meet people, just go do things. You can be a geek and still be active. I play sports, I go to local events/museums/etc. Do it long enough, and you'll start seeing the same people over and over, possibly making new friends, or even *friends*.
If you want the education route, take some social science courses at your closest uni. While I'm a sysadmin, and I took a bunch of engineering courses, my actual degree is in anthropology (with a N.A. archaeology focus). Most of my classes, in all social science disciplines, were about 75% female once I got beyond the gen ed cruft (Intro Psych, History I/II, etc). A lot of these types are smart and very geeky, but in a way that you probably don't have much experience with. Which is good. Two geeks with different interests makes for a fun ride, you can really learn a lot from each other.
Summary: If you want to be active, be active. Go to free concerts (a lot of smaller towns have weekly get-togethers like this), go to museums, join some pickup sports leagues (you don't have to be good, most people in these kinda leagues suck). Take art/pottery/etc classes, enroll at your uni. Try exericse. Group hikes/bikes are great, or sign up for yoga courses (flexibility is never bad). Have a poker night with your coworkers, go to a ball game with them, etc. Take a cooking course (ladies love a man who can cook something more complex than chicken and rice). Want something really different? Take the little 1-2 hour workshops at places like Lowes or Home Depot. You'd be amazed how many ladies you find at these, trying to figure out how to do repairs to their houses.
But in all this, don't approach it as a way to meet women. You'll just set yourself up for disappointment. We're nerds, we're supposed to love learning new things. Approach it that way. When you're hiking, try to understand the mechanics of it. If you're at a pottery class, try to learn more about the material, and how the constituents affect the final product. Focus on the geek side of life, learning new things, and let the socializing come along as it will. Once you've started getting comfortable, then you can be more of an active socializer. When you do get into a conversation, don't say a lot. Ask questions that let the other person talk. You know, *learn* about them. Also a great way to gauge interest. If they keep turning the conversation to you, then you can be fairly sure they're interested.
Re:Don't forget to pull the trigger. (Score:2, Informative)
You can use the rules of chivalry to get an arm around a lady within a fairly short time span. A good way to start I found was to always open the car door for your date. Always offer a hand to help them out whether it's just a steadying support or holding a purse. I drove a very low sports car and getting out could be a little awkward.
Always offer your arm/elbow when you are walking together if you aren't in a huge hurry to get somewhere. This avoids the danger of having sweaty palms if you are nervous and doesn't restrict either persons movement like holding hands does. From there to an arm around the waist is a fairly short move. It's not really all that comfortable for actually walking but when waiting in lines and such it is fine.
In smaller spaces or more confined areas like waiting in a serpentine line for an event you can easily move to having your hand on her lower back or around her waist. If she's looking around it's a good way to guide your movement together, just don't walk her into a poll, and warn her of any steps you don't think she noticed yet.
For me it was always kind of easy because I started with holding a door and extending a helping hand. It shows a willingness and an expectation of limited personal contact. You want to make offers and overtures that are simple and not unlimited in scope. People usually like to know what they are getting into and offering your arm is not an invitation to your mother's basement.
Re:Where Does a Geek Find a Social Life? (Score:3, Informative)
Comment removed (Score:2, Informative)
Re:Geek license suspended! (Score:4, Informative)
There's no secret (Score:2, Informative)
It's like the first time you walk into a gym or play soccer or play WoW or juggle chainsaws. It's intimidating at first but you have to get out there and do it to get any good at it. Some people are born with innate talent that allows them to excel at being social. It helps to have natural charisma or good looks. However, the rest of us can improve by doing and doing over and over again till we get better.
You're not going to get good at making friends or meeting girls or being the life of the party by sitting on the sidelines. In the beginning you won't know what you're doing, you may embarrass yourself, make a complete fool of yourself, or set something on fire by accident but in the long run you only lose if you stop trying. With time you'll learn that it's not good to bring up your anime fetish while talking to girls or debate the finer points of Java vs
Starting out is simple. Just go someplace where there are many people having a good time (someplace not online) and introduce yourself. Alcohol helps.
Anyway, Malcolm Gladwell says it takes 10 years or 10,000 hours to become accomplished at anything. So you better get started.
An honest answer to an honest question (Score:1, Informative)
My suggestion: Focus on meeting people and finding fun social activities first. This is hard enough as it is without worrying about dating. And after all, some of the best people to date are folks you meet through friends.
Meeting people is tough. If you're using terms like "meatspace" with cheerful, self-knowing irony, I'm guessing you're actually a funny person who just doesn't love being very social. If you're not being ironic, I'm impressed that you're brave enough to hit up this crowd for advice on this topic at all, and I'd say not to worry just yet about the folks who demand that you get out there and take on the world at large right this instant. Any face-to-face social interaction is going to be healthier than none, and if you need to find some geeks to hang with before branching out a bit more, there are plenty of nerdy gathering opportunities in person once you know where to look.
I saw someone suggested Meetup.com; that may be worth trying. My friend met his wife through a movie lover's group, not even anything dating oriented. I know some areas have specifically nerd-oriented groups and mailing lists, too. Boston has a Nerd Fun group on Meetup, for instance, and several cities have chapters for Dorkbot and Maker groups; google around as needed. Some universities host groups that are open to the public for gaming or other geeky hobbies; just check before showing up that it truly is open. And there are plenty of other little geeky get-togethers if you know where to look, like Nerd Nite in New York in Boston (featuring people doing lectures on their nerdy jobs in a bar) and parties hosted by The Hacktory and Geekadelphia in Philly. You may be able to find announcements for additional events and gatherings on flyers in local cafes or gaming/comics/science-fiction stores. And, of course, if you meet anyone you get along with at any such location and get an invitation out for other stuff (whether pub trivia, gaming night in a local apartment, or something more out of your depth),Âgive it a shot. Good luck!
Borrow an attractive dog - puppies are even better (Score:1, Informative)
I am a female tech geek and I know for a fact this idea works. Get a dog!
Borrow a dog if you do not have one and/or don't want to be responsible 24x7 for a dog. You can borrow one:
-- From a friend
-- Via helping a rescue out to promote their dogs on the weekends (many rescues go to places like Petsmart to promote their rescue dogs)
-- By becoming a short term foster for a rescue
Make sure that the dog is very people friendly. A puppy is usually perfect in this situation. Start walking that dog *everywhere*, including:
-- Dog parks
-- Busy sidewalks
-- Bike paths / trails
Many women *love* dogs and it's a great way to break the ice and start a conversation. It's really difficult to go up to a girl and try to talk to her, but when you have a dog, it gets really easy in a hurry. It makes you look like a great person if you say you are helping a rescue out with fostering.
Lastly, bring business cards with you, either your own personal ones or a dog rescue-oriented card. If you think she's interested in either you or the dog, whip one out and tell her to contact you.