Navigating a Geek Marriage?

JoeLinux writes "I am soon to marry my true love (a girl! yes! they do exist!). She is a literary geek, whereas I am a gaming/Linux geek. Being the RTFM-style geeks that we are, we have been reading up on marriage, making things work, etc. Unfortunately, all of the references seem to be based around an alpha-male jock and a submissive cheerleader-style wife. A lot of the references to incompatibility in the books don't apply to us (neglect due to interest in sports, etc.). What are some of the pitfalls and successes learned in the course of a more geek-oriented marriage?"

Nows not the time to be logical

[ma11achy]

Small piece of advice.

We geeks find it hard to "get in touch with our emotional side" sometimes...

Concentrate on enjoying each other's company. Enjoy being with each other. Stop trying to analyse the hell out of it and just ENJOY it :)

Re:Perhaps you can ask your girl

[SerpentMage]

No I think what he is getting at not bookshelf, but self-absorbed.

Here is an example. My wife loves books above everything. Me I work on my computer all the time. On the weekends she is ready ALL THE TIME. Normally this would bother somebody. It did bother her family quite a bit. Me, I did not actually care at all.

So what was the compromise? I have a little desk in the living room with two notebooks that are joined and connected to my trading desk downstairs. Thus when she reads we are both in the same room. Granted not talking much to each other, but still together. That is I think what he is getting at.

Whenever we buy a house we always make sure that my office is big enough so that the couch, TV, and my computer array fits in. Thus she spends most of her time in my office. This time our house has the office in the bunker (seriously its a bunker) and its too damp and hence we put a little table in the living room.

Geek relationships aren't that different

[Scholasticus]

I'd guess that you being a Linux geek and she being a literary geek won't have much effect on your marriage. Other things, such as what you each expect from marriage, how you communicate (or whether you communicate at all!), how considerate each is of the other's needs, and so on, are more important. Forget the marriage/relationship books. They're pretty useless, and for the most part sell well because lots of people think that there can be manual for everything. It's not true; some things you just have to learn by doing. I've been happily married for 15 years. It takes patience and work to get through rough spots, but the good times make all that more than worth it.

Re:Geekiness is irrelevant.

[TXISDude]

Both of you read "The Five Love Languages" this book explains it all - really

Personality

[danbrz]

My fiance and I -- epidemiology and engineering PhD students, respectively -- found this classic text helpful:

Kiersy and Bates
Please Understand Me: Character and Temperament Types
http://www.amazon.com/Please-Understand-Me-Character-Temperament/dp/0960695400 [amazon.com]

Rating

[kentrel]

Give her looks a rating out of 10. Then post that on the fridge. Encourage her to lose some weight to increase her rating. If she objects compare it to levelling up on WoW.

Name her breasts Han and Chewie.

Tell her that everytime you put on your Wedding Ring you hear the voice of Sauron calling you to do evil.

Inform her that her feet are as cute as a hobbits.

When times are rough tell her that you wish you took the blue pill.

Remind her that you are a true geek by not having sex with her unless she accepts money first.

Tell her you hope you both have a kid like Jake Lloyd one day.

Calendar for reminders

[Jerry Smith]

One thing that I learnt very quickly is that it is worth the effort to set reminders for Birthdays, Wedding-anniversaries, Engagement-anniversaries, Valentines Day et cetera. NOT only on the day itself: 1 month AND 1 week in advance: the month for reservation options for restaurants or gifts that take longer to get, and the 1 week option just in case you somehow did not get to finish the 1-month-idea. And you can just explain that you NEVER would forget $eventfulDay, but somehow are not really good in keeping track of the current date. That she will understand. But you are both German, of is it just you being German, is the wedding taking place in Germany? We Europeans _could_ do with a bit more facts.

Re:Intriguing

[Dravik]

More of a skills advancement instead of discrete levels thing.

Re:August

[Scrameustache]

(those damn freaking clothing stores argh)

Fashion show! As long as I go to clothing stores with pretty girls who come out of the damn booth to show me what they look like, I enjoy it.

The traditional way to do this is to get bored out of your skull while the girl stays in the booth. No fun. Ask, nay, tell her to show you what she tries on so you can interact, and you'll enjoy it too.

Re:If there's one thing for a stable marriage...

[petes_PoV]

you are obviously a divorce lawyer, trying to drum up business

20 years of asking what works:

[olddoc]

I have been an Anesthesiologist for 20 years. I have been fascinated when I see 80 year olds who have been married for 50+ years and they still care about each other. Whenever I have a couple like that, who tearfully kiss goodbye before surgery, I ask what the secret is to being married >50 years. The consistant pattern of advice I find is two things: 1) Be easygoing, compromise. 2) Make each other laugh. I don't know how many times I've heard "He makes me laugh" with people who are married >50 years. So do you make her laugh? Does she make you laugh? Is she willing to compromise a little if you want to do something she isn't in to?

Re:August

[sycodon]

My Advice...don't get married. It's a trap.

What happens when you get married:
1. Sex stops
2. She get's fat (probably you too)
3. All your money starts disappearing for no apparent reason.
4. You will be surrounded by strange and insufferable relatives from some place you have never heard of.
5. You will get to drive the old car.
6. Gaming did you say? That won't last long. "I can't believe you are going to play on the computer AGAIN. You just played last week!"
7. She will start asking you if she looks fat, despite the fact she is perfectly aware of #2
8. She won't cook (See #1) and she won't be able to make a decent dinner.
9. You will have to leave the house when her literary friends come over to discuss the life analogies in some gay French author's book.
10. LAN parties? No Fucking Way in her house!

Re:August

[Anonymous Coward]

Good advice (especially putting the spouse first)! Yep, girl here in a geek marriage going on 20 years. Something my husband and I have done a couple of times is sort of have an "amnesty" for a few days for complaining about annoying little things: "You leave the sponge in the sink and I hate that enough that it's sort of irrational and I admit that, but if you would rinse it and squeeze it out and put it on the back of the sink it would just make that annoyance go away." And we promise to be extra-rational geeks so we can work those out. Neither one of us has a temper, but I can see "just walk away"... as long as it doesn't last too long. I'd say admitting up-front that you have a temper, and then during an argument saying "I'm getting irrational, it's not *you*, but I need to walk away so I can calm down my thinking" could be something that saves you from real problems. And "don't go to bed angry" doesn't mean you have some sort of deadline for solving every problem, it just means to not be *angry*. If necessary, acknowledge it fully and promise to work it out (and do). Again, the geek rationality can serve here. Never speak of divorce (shudder). If you do, it'll *always* be an elephant in the room. And last but far from least, #2 is so important. Every day, at some point, *notice* her. Is she tired? Happy? Pretty? New hairdo? Aging (yes, it will happen, if you're lucky!)? Worried? Thoughtful? Laughing? In time, things happen: kids, jobs, travel, unemployment, friends, moves, bosses, medical problems, money, relatives... and you'll forget to really pay attention to *her*, you're so used to her being there. But make sure you always "come back" and acknowledge her and tell her you love her. Re-read item 2 in parent!

Re:August

[Lumpy]

The success to a marriage is simple.

1 - your partner HAS TO be your best friend. The lust and desire you feel will go away at times, only the strong friendship will carry you through those days.

2 - Drop the adversary or competitive crap. It's not a race, it's not a competition, she is not your enemy. Stop that crap that most people do. IF you want to buy a new $1100 motherboard that supports 6 quad core processors and she says no. Ask why. discuss.

3 - drop the "my money" and "your money" bull. it's all your familys money. Every dollar you make is hers, and every dollar she makes is yours. You both have a 100% say in what get's spent where start hiding crap or lying and you are destroying your relationship. you both make decisions about it's use.

4 - Trust, if you cant trust each other 100% right now then stop. Stop the wedding, stop it all. you MUST HAVE complete trust, stronger trust than you ever had in your life. and any damage to that trust will damage your relationship.

5 - You are a complete and utter jerk if you say anything intentionally hurtful to the other person. EPIC FAIL you lose, turn in all your achievements. If you get mean, she will not forget it. The human design does not let go of incredibly hurtful things easily. It's easier to forget physical abuse than verbal or emotional abuse. If you verbally or emotionally abuse each other, you fail.

6 - Trust, Honesty, respect. You are required to do all three at 100%. Dont you fricking dare social engineer the other. That is simply being a Asshat if you cant honestly say , "sweetie I am going downtown to hire 3 hookers and have a 4 way is that ok or do you have somethign else planned?" if you know the answer will be "HELL NO" dont bullshit your way around it to hide your real agenda.

If you cant do all of the above, or try liek hell to do all the above.... then DONT GET MARRIED.

Ir's all about getting rid of every ounce of selfish you have. Selfish is a destructive behavior in a marriage.

Re:August

[CelestialAxis]

Don't be a jerk. When my fiance and I bought our house, I REQUESTED we set up a LAN party room in the basement. He was obviously happy with that. And I cook for him. And we have plenty of sex. I assume you don't.

I'm a coding geek married to a lit geek..

[spiffmastercow]

...and here's my best advice:

Be prepared for her to not get the reference on your jokes, and vice versa. And don't write her love poems in perl.. She won't get it.

Try to read a book she likes and discuss it with her. If she wants to reciprocate this, recommend a book she might actually like (i.e. probably not Cryptonomicon, despite its awesomeness)

Figure the rest out for yourself! You're geeks, that's what you do!