Why Nobody Wants You On OKCupid 473
Hugh Pickens writes "Social awkwardness has the most opportunity to shine in your very first message to a potential sweetheart, write Andrea Bartz and Brenna Ehrlich at CNN. Bartz and Ehrlich enumerate and humorously describe seven types of message senders: the generalizer, the autobiographer, the 'eccentric,' the creeper, the gusher, and the wordless wonder. Our favorite: the generalizer, whose typical first message may be 'hey, wuts up?' Why does no one want the generalizer? 'You're probably stupid. Or possibly illiterate,' write Bartz and Ehrilich. According to OKTrends, bad grammar and bad spelling are huge turn-offs in a first message. 'Our negative correlation list is a fool's lexicon: ur, u, wat, wont, and so on. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, if you count hit (and we do!) the worst 6 words you can use in a first message are all stupid slang.' Other tips from OKTrends' analysis of successful keywords and phrases from over 500,000 first contacts on OKCupid: Avoid physical compliments, bring up specific interests, and if you're a guy, be self-effacing."
Impressive stats (Score:5, Interesting)
The only number that really matters (Score:3, Interesting)
Re:Says you... (Score:5, Interesting)
They may be out there, but the unfortunate part is that none of them initiate the conversations. I don't consider myself an unattractive person, but I've never had a woman wink/poke/etc. or initiate conversation. It's like they all just post their profile and hope someone picks them. I may as well go out to a bar with that sort of "dating". As usual, it's always up to the guy to start the conversation and the woman gets to weed out the candidates.
It's not like I don't start conversations. I've had many on these sites and sometimes we meet up, other times we call it before. It's mainly that I have to do all the legwork to get things rolling. For once, It would be nice to have someone else start the ball rolling.
Re:Alright, I know how to be now. (Score:5, Interesting)
If you believe in God, great, but your first contact with someone shouldn't be: "Hey! I really really love God! Maybe we could go to a prayer-meeting sometime?". Even if the other person believes in God too, they'll probably think you're a tad weird. Similarly, if your first contact is: "hye thr saw ur profiel n u lk rly hot", it doesn't matter whether you are the most kind-hearted, baby-kissingest, puppy-lovingest charity worker ever to volunteer at a soup-kitchen, you'll come across as a shallow dummy who can't even be bothered to spell the most basic words correctly.
tl;dr No-one's saying you have to change who you are, they're just offering tips on how to present yourself.
Re:Surprisingly Arrogant (Score:5, Interesting)
This is what you fail to understand: Religious people look very stupid and somewhat insane to the non-religious. How can anyone be expected to form a serious relationship with someone they view as stupid and insane? This is not a troll or a dig but simply a statement of fact. Whether it is fair or not, that's the way non-religious people feel.
Bye, bye karma!
Re:Says you... (Score:4, Interesting)
Re:if you're a guy, be self-effacing (Score:5, Interesting)
Women wants:
- I want someone, right or wrong, to start a family with now now NOW NOW NOWNOWNOW.
- He must be making at least above median salary for a professional in the area.
- His hobbies must exactly parallel my own.
- He must be as much a dogmatized zealot as I am.
- He must be athletically built and be "smart, witty, and able to surprise me". (this is usually in conjunction with three or more of the other wants as well).
- "I want a man who knows what he wants." I've actually seen it spelled out that plainly, and all I can think to say is "no, no you don't"I still don't know what it means, because women who have said that have absolutely come to hate me for expressing my expectations honestly.
- HE MUST LOVE BASEBALL AS MUCH AS I DO. (note, this means watching professional baseball, not actually PLAYING a sport. No, that would be interesting and show some character of the person.)
My wants:
- I want someone technically minded that I can communicate with, on even a simple level. I don't expect the person to be able to read circuit diagrams or understand packet captures, but PLEASE at least understand to check to make sure the mouse is plugged in before complaining that "it's broken".
- I would prefer someone who can read and speak at a level above that of an eighth grade junior high school student.
- At the risk of being superficial, I would prefer to not be able to wear her jeans and they be baggy.
And I'm not even stereotyping, I mean, I am, but this is literally how it is. Half of them appear to be looking for at immediate meal ticket/family man, and the other half are looking for the male lead from their favorite romantic comedy. I just want someone who will at least nod, smile, and pretend to care when I'm talking to them about my day, who can figure out how to change the remote batteries on her own, and who isn't cutting off the circulation to my legs when she's on top. If those are huge demands, then I guess I'm just an misogynistic, judgmental asshole.
My big realization was that, due to societal norms, there's maybe 1% of the female population out there that fits my criteria. That's one of the reasons why I stopped going to bars for women and started trying the online thing. I figured I could expose myself to a larger pool of candidates. I should have guessed that there was a very specific type of people that have to resort to such measures.
The aggressive, self-confident girl of XKCD is _not_ looking for love online.
True, but she's not looking for love in bars either. She would have already found hers long ago.
Re:Oddly everyone can tell you how not to get a gi (Score:4, Interesting)
Do be employed, don't live at home.
Ugh. I'm responding to this just because I've had this exact discussion with my girlfriend (full disclosure - I met her on a dating site). My question always is: I've been unemployed in the past. Sometimes for more than a few months. I've had shitty night-shift jobs to cover living expenses. Yet I'm apparently awesome enough that she sticks around. So why let a temporary situation that has nothing to do with who I am dictate whether to get to know me? The answer I got back was the same as yours - that the quality of the nest is an important part of women being attracted to men. Well, fine, but then don't go bitch to me about how there are no good men around. You're artificially reducing the pool of available men based on a criteria that is utterly temporary and is only marginally related to who that person is.
Furthermore, why stop at a man being unemployed? Why not just flat out say "He has to make at least 50K a year and own at least 800 square feet of home? Why not 100k? Why not a 2000 square foot home? Because those are just material things that are not important to a person? Yeah.... if that's your response, you're just papering over the fact that you have decided that someone like that is probably out of your league. You decided your price was employment and their own place, others decided that their price was 100k and 2000 square feet.
I'm not going to date an out-of-work guy and I think he probably shouldn't be dating either as he has bigger problems to work on than being dateless.
Really? The only thing he should be doing is to find a job? No social life, no meeting new people, no going out on a date in the park? You do realize that the only people who work like that are people who don't socialize to begin with, right? Not to mention that the social network is what keeps people going in tough times? And don't feed me the line that dating is different from socializing. Dating is just socializing with a different end-goal in mind.
The point of my post, and the larger point of TFA, is that without getting past that first part you can't get to the part that involves timing, spark or luck.
And my point to you is that I'm tired of hearing women complain about the lack of men, when their selection criteria contain items that have nothing to do with what makes a relationship successful. Unless, of course, your measurement of a successful relationship is the number of digits in your bank account.
Re:Dating isn't everything (Score:4, Interesting)
I agree. However, as a divorced man, I find there are aspects of male-female relations that I miss profoundly. I miss the intimacy of having a woman as my best friend. It isn't just about sex. Sex is easy to get, but it's hollow when it's just about servicing a biological need. It's like having a nice steak dinner. Sure, it was good, but it only lasted for that time it took to consume. Making love with a woman you love is beyond the steak dinner... Far, far beyond it.
That said, I hate dating. I'd rather get to know someone organically, and if we find we like each other's company, then date. Online dating to me has been an utterly shallow misadventure.
I totally expect to be alone for a while, and I'm okay with that. I have done exactly what you describe since my divorce, and find I enjoy my life thoroughly. But it would be nice to find someone I can share it with.