Curse Your Way to Live Support 486
EtherMonkey writes "Wired is reporting on new software developed at University of Southern California's Speech Analysis and Interpretation Laboratory. Researchers there have come up with working code to detect the frustration and anger level of callers working their way through automated attendant phone systems."The system works by analyzing not only what callers say, but also how they say it. Callers get transferred if they start to spit out expletives or if they simply sound angry.""
No automated system at Microsoft? (Score:2, Funny)
Re:No automated system at Microsoft? (Score:3, Interesting)
YEEEHAAAA (Score:5, Funny)
(auto attendant)Thank you for calling XYZ corp. For support, press
(customer) FUCK SHIT DAMN HELL BITCH!!!
(auto attendant) Transferring to an attendant. Thanks for calling XYZ Corp.
(customer) SCHWEET.
Re:YEEEHAAAA (Score:5, Funny)
Now I could imagine a machine blowing up when faced with some input such as the above.
Re:YEEEHAAAA (Score:3, Insightful)
For other tech support stories and recordings like the mouse one, see http://www.techcomedy.com/new_stories.php [techcomedy.com]. Disclaimer: I'm not affiliated with the website, I just remembered reading some funny things there that popped into mind when I read this story.
Re:YEEEHAAAA (Score:5, Insightful)
I just wonder what this trains people to do in society?
Re:YEEEHAAAA (Score:5, Insightful)
The real answer is to put people to work answering the phone. Yes, they cost more than the computer system costs in the short term, but all your customers are happier in the long run also. Besides that, if more people are working the cost can be distributed to more customers and the economy improves, etc.
In the long run everyone would be better off! Well, except the guy that invented and probably patented this concept. And if we crush his patent aren't we better off also?
I agree (Score:5, Interesting)
When I worked in a record retail store, we had a policy posted above the cashier that all sales were final. Well, the thing was, if a customer came in and got mad at the counter and wouldn't leave, the manager would refund their money to get them to go out.
I always felt this was shitty - aggressive, loud, selfish people got their money back while polite, friendly, non-confrontiational people didn't. I always thought everyone should be treated the same.
On the other hand, if we wanted to reward some people and not others, why then I felt it should be the other way around - tell the assholes to get lost - call security if necessary - and give money back to people who were polite and nice about it. Geez, it might even begin to instill some politeness in some people.
Then again, I've benefitted from this. At a local art store, they have a policy to give discounts to students. One day, the cashier asked someone in front of me if they were a student, when it came to my turn, I wasn't asked and forgot to provide my student card. When I remembered, just after having paid, the cashier refused. When I asked her to phone the manager, she did so and then turned to me with a very smug look and said she couldn't do it. I left, but was so angry (at her smugness at this point), I went back in and demanded to have the manager to tell me to my face that I didn't deserve the discount. This time I got it.
I guess it is just a case of "the squeaky wheel gets the oil". It is probably not good to encourage this, though.
Re:YEEEHAAAA (Score:3, Insightful)
Re:YEEEHAAAA (Score:5, Funny)
Re:YEEEHAAAA (Score:5, Funny)
You're right, some sufferers merely lack a sense of humor.
Re:YEEEHAAAA (Score:5, Funny)
> Y'know, not everyone with Tourette's Syndrome swears up a storm.
Yes, we know. But facial tics aren't likely to work very well on a phone-based system, so we're going to stick with the one Tourette's symptom that works for the purpose of making this whole bit funny.
> Educate yourself.
I've certainly learned that you're a whiny cunt. Is that educated enough?
Response Guy (Score:3, Insightful)
Re:YEEEHAAAA (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:YEEEHAAAA (Score:3, Funny)
That's so verFUCK YOUy true. Thank you, ASSHOLE, for your informative attempt to fiEAT A BOWL OF DICKght prejudice in our community.
Tourette's Syndrome Barbie (Score:3, Funny)
Re:YEEEHAAAA (Score:5, Funny)
Yeah, I can't see any reason to have it if you can't randomly swear either.
Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles (Score:4, Funny)
Try, oh say
"You odd-toed ungulates and two-timing tartar twisters, you coelacanths! I have no touch tone phone you vegetarian macrocephalic baboons! You Bashi-Bazouks! tell the dictatorial duck billed diplodocus that employs you that ten thousand terrifying turtles could not keep me as your customer."
Or something like that.
The possibilities are endless! (Score:4, Funny)
I wonder if the system could be programmed to forward to Darl's extension if I were to say the words litigious bastards [thescogroup.com]?
Re: (Score:2)
Let me get this... (Score:4, Funny)
Let me get this straight, you have to try to sound mad????
Man, who provides your support, I want them!!!
Ex: 3 minutes of blather and advertising before the menu, option you want isn't apparent so you spend 10 minutes jumping around and going through the blather and ads again, you finally seem to find where you mean to be and wait 20 minutes listening to elevator music which soulnds like it is played through a broken kazoo, you finally get a voice and either it's a recording telling you they are now closed (please call back during the hours you are at work and can't call them) or you do get a human who informs you that this is the wrong department and transfers you to another queue.
It's not all as bad as that, but if I were telekinetic there would be companies who would find their own equipment exploding in a shower of sparks and a few executives who would spontaneously fill their shorts (loudly) at the most inopportune times.
Hmm... Inspiration.
You hear a tinny voice say, "worst customer service, ever!"
Re:The possibilities are endless! (Score:3, Funny)
I think that I'll just break out my Sam Kinnison albums at them. THAT should do the trick.
I was on hold for five fucking years!!!
Dean's scream (Score:2, Funny)
Cursing your way to better support (Score:2)
Re:Cursing your way to better support (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:Cursing your way to better support (Score:4, Interesting)
The last time I had to call Verizon repair services I was trapped in their new phone system, and my phone line was so noisy (hence the service call) that their voice recognition was not recognizing. I cursed at it a couple of times, and it asked me if I wanted to end the call. I said, "No!", and it continued.
To test it, I cursed again, and sure enough, it said sweetly, "Would you like to end this call?"
As an aside, I have had so many problems with my phone line that I now have my own personal Verizon rep, with a direct line to her office. But she seems pretty ineffective, so now I'm composing a letter to Mr. Seidenberg to see if he can get the damned line to work.
True Story (Score:5, Interesting)
I once had to call SallieMae to figure out why my regular student loan payments had just suddenly increased after 4 straight years of steady decline. I dialed into their oh-so-thoughtfully designed voice mail monstrosity, and proceeded to get routed back and forth into SEVEN different voice mail sub-systems. Each time I was transferred, the new system would greet me with the classic lie, "Your call is important to us". After five minutes of trawling through this POS looking for a department that actually contained human inhabitants, I finally bellowed "HUMAN!!!!!" as loud as I could into the receiver.
Immediately, I heard a click, then lo and behold, a human voice said, "Thank you for calling SallieMae, how may I help you?"
That's great... (Score:5, Insightful)
That's Sad (Score:5, Insightful)
I should know; I've been one of the people cursing into the phone before. This should come as a surprise to no one: the company in question was a major "fast-running" (wink wink) cell service provider. I had recently moved, and was trying to get my number switched over to the local area code. Never have I dealt with so much frustration in my life, before or since.
Re:That's Sad (Score:3, Funny)
Re:That's Sad (Score:4, Funny)
re: that's great... (Score:5, Insightful)
however, my question: let's say dell's call center starts using this. if this fact becomes known, everyone will simply abuse it (a la all the tourette's comments), thereby doing nothing at all to improve the customer call experience.
so you would have to deploy it in stealth mode, basically: nobody would know.
also, something that bugs me personally: this system rewards the short-attention span, short-fused sorts, not the calm, patient callers. is anybody seeing this as a good trend?
ed
Re: that's great... (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Who says it will connect them? (Score:3, Funny)
Re:That's great... (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:That's great... (Score:4, Insightful)
Conversation with president of Samsung USA. (Score:3, Interesting)
I had already delt with Sprints runaround (No, I do NOT have 3 frickin' weeks to get my phones replaced!) so I decided to call Samsung. No matter what option I pressed I could not get to a real live person. In disgust, I eventually gave up a
Re:That's great... (Score:3, Insightful)
The meek? (Score:5, Insightful)
If this system becomes popular it will enforce "bad" social behaviour.
Want better or more expensive service? Swear your head off.
Want to be treated like an 7-digit number? Be polite.
obl. Life of Brian quote (Score:3, Insightful)
Re:That's great... (Score:3, Insightful)
It will, really, since back when I worked general public customer service I was told to just hang up on anyone who used foul language.
Anger management (Score:5, Insightful)
What a bunch of complete ****
Wife? (Score:4, Funny)
May I help? (Score:5, Funny)
When someone finally gets through to a real person after cursing their way through the system, it will probably be Helga from the old Kremlin Customer Support. She take care of you!
Re:May I help? (Score:5, Funny)
In Soviet Russia customer support swears at you!
uhh (Score:5, Funny)
Re:uhh (Score:5, Funny)
Tech: Good afternoon sir, what do you fucking want.
Customer: Don't get an attitude with me you fucking prick, I pay your salary by buying these shitty products! Let me talk to your manager!
Tech: Fine, ya dumb fucker, hold on.
Manager: Hello asshole, do you have a fuckin problem I can help you with?
Re:uhh (Score:4, Funny)
Hell, it'd be like talking to my college friends
Old-fashioned way: (Score:5, Informative)
Just hit 0 until the automated system gets frustrated and forwards you to a human being. It works almost every time, and saves you the frustration of dealing with the automated system in the first place.
Re:Old-fashioned way: (Score:3, Interesting)
Re:Old-fashioned way: (Score:5, Informative)
I don't know if I'd go so far as to say "almost every time." In my experience, it's probably about 50% effective. Sometimes you need to dial 9 to get a human, and some systems haven't even let me get to a person no matter what I tried.
Re:Old-fashioned way: (Score:5, Interesting)
Sometime the trick is dialing 0-0. Or *-# or some weird combo. Or, you can try dialing random extensions to get in touch with a real person who has nothing to do with your problem at all, but they'll be happy to transfer you to the correct department.
However, lately it's been sometimes happening that when I try this I get immediately disconnected.
They're catching on.
In the ideal world, yes (Score:3, Insightful)
That's good advice... assuming the options lead you to a person eventually. However, more and more automated systems don't ever give you the option of speaking to a person. This is insanely annoying when you just want to ask a simple question that isn't one of the 10-20 that you are "allowed" to ask.
Good systems subdivide you, give you a list, then have an option to talk to someone if nothing they list is what you want. But for the other 75% of systems, it's good to know how to avoid the whole mess.
Bonus for me... (Score:2)
Is anyone who calls happy? (Score:5, Insightful)
A better solution is for companies to simply provide good technical support staffed by knowledgable and competent people.
Great... (Score:2, Funny)
Bah (Score:5, Funny)
I prefer to press "0" at the automated phone tree, and save the outbursts of profanity for the morons who tell me they can't help me with my billing problem.
Customer Scripts (Score:4, Funny)
If service agent says "blah blah blah" you respond "yada yada yada" for 10 anger management points but pause for 3 seconds during your statement to ensure that you anger velocity quotient does not exceed 50 fcks/min
I can just hear it now... (Score:5, Funny)
Thank you for calling Dell's Customer Support Line. If you're experiencing a frustrating issue, please drop the F-bomb now..
solvign the wrong problem (Score:5, Informative)
My problem with phone support is that is seems to take so long to establish that I know what i'm talking about, and trying to tell them what I need. It's rare that I call tech support and actually need them to diagnose a problem for me. It would be nice to have a customer profile that incorporates a product proficiency quotient(tm). so that I can go right to an engineer or product replacement on an issue I can diagnose myself.
Re:solvign the wrong problem (Score:5, Insightful)
HTH
Re:solvign the wrong problem (Score:3, Interesting)
Dell brings some support back to the US [com.com].
See, customers weren't happy with Dell's outsorced support to India, so Dell adjusted. They didn't just say "Hah, screw you customer. Take a dive off a bridge!" Dell did exactly what it should. It tried a new system to maximize profits (minimize costs, whatever), but in this case it didn't work too well. Oh well. Live, learn, correct the problems and try new id
Re:solving the wrong problem (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:solvign the wrong problem (Score:4, Informative)
While you might know what you're talking about, there will be plenty of people out there who don't, but think they do. If automated systems had this option, it'd get so flooded it would basically be useless.
You're basically asking people to admit their ignorance. While there are thankfully some people out there not afraid to admit they don't know something, you'll get plenty of stubborn people who refuse to admit they don't know what's going on, even when calling for tech support.
Re:solving the wrong problem (Score:3, Insightful)
Time to Update Recordings (Score:5, Funny)
If you know your party's extension, press or say TWO
For a staff directory, press or say THREE
To speak with an operator, press FOUR or say "SHIT SHIT ASS DAMN"
To repeat this menu press *
Irony (Score:5, Insightful)
Hmm. (Score:5, Insightful)
On the other hand, one can readily claim that this is a tool to allow companies to better define and pursue the lower bound of just how little money and manpower they can allocate to customer service. As an asshole, you get to barge to the front of the line and berate live support that much faster; as a normal person, you'll either wait an eternity for support or get angry enough to trigger the system. The callers and tech support both lose, but the company sees an immediate reduction in support costs.
Now, which way do you all think this will swing?
That depends. (Score:5, Interesting)
I once heard a statistic that the profit margin from a PC was used up in one tech support call. That sounds a tad extreme, but I remember the tiny, tiny markup on computer parts from when I worked at a small family-owned computer store. When my mom worked at Koenig's Art Emporium, the manager refused to carry anything he couldn't mark up more than 40%. Aquarium stores average 50% (operation costs on livestock must be considered, but the markup is on everything). We probably would have killed for 20 in most cases. It was not uncommon to make only a few dollars on a hard drive. I suspect the situation has worsened rather than improved, and there were companies underselling us at the computer shows (usually with lesser warranties).
[Of course, being in a small shop, I was building/fixing systems while taking tech support calls, so that wasn't a big hit for us.]
For all the help desk homies... (Score:3, Funny)
Thanks for calling ABC Corp, how may...
Porcupine balls!
Transferring your call now...
(muttering) Stupid computer...
Hi, this is Mike at the Internet Help Desk, how can I help you?
I think I accidentally deleted my link to your Internet. Can I get it back?
Holy crap! We have our own Internet? Why wasn't I made aware of this?! Well, restoring your link shouldn't be a problem, unless you happen to be a rhesus monkey suffering from simian hemmorhagic fever. Does this fit your description, little man?
Uhhh....
I guess it does! Now, here's how you fix your stupid problem...
Re:For all the help desk homies... (Score:3, Funny)
I think that would make the world a better place.
For instance, I would probably fall on the ground laughing if I went to the car service department, and had the guy behind the service desk tell me I'm a moron when I start outwardly thinking about what "might" be wrong with the car...
Excactly wrong (Score:5, Insightful)
That all said, there is a good use for this technology. Detect where in your phone tree people seem to be getting angry. Log that and analyse that for future use. If there are consistent places in the tree that people get frustrated with, you know where to focus your redesign efforts to make it better. Of course, you may see the anger develop two or more steps down the tree from the unclear question that causes the pissed-offedness. It'd probably take some careful analysis / research to really use this effectively.
Way to go! (Score:3, Funny)
The people working in the call centres are really going to thank them for that.
Already works with real people (Score:5, Interesting)
In my opinion this is the stupidest way to run customer service. It encourages customers to mistreat your employees. The good companies never let the problem get to the point where profanity is needed, but I am, quite frankly, surprised at the number of companies that have such poor customer service organizations that the profanity route becomes mandatory.
By the way, I discovered this method one day after going round and round and round with a company so many times that I was completely hopeless. So I decided to vent a little steam, figuring that I was never going to get things fixed anyways and that any self-respecting person would just cut off correspondence once the profanity started. Man, was I surprised at how quickly they jumped to fix things after that, completely the opposite of what I had expected.
Re:Already works with real people (Score:4, Interesting)
The problem itself isn't with the front lines, but with the resources they are given to solve a customer's problem.
When customers swear at me, I tell them that I am treating them in a professional manner and that I expect them to do so in kind. Otherwise I hang up. One company I worked for had a customer advocacy department, and if a customer got too hot, everything would need to go through the advocate...after all, that's part of what they were paid for.
in theory i understand, but still... (Score:3, Insightful)
"For the call center it is frustration -- you don't want to lose the customer because they are becoming frustrated."
i understand that they want to use the automated systems as much as possible to take the load off of people, but if they are finding that the systems are causing so much frustration that they need to guage the amount of frustration in a person's voice in order to potentially keep them as a customer, then there's obviously flaws in the system already, and perhaps super crazy automated phone systems isn't a great customer service idea to begin with.
Reporting Dead Birds to the State Health Departmen (Score:4, Interesting)
Now, I know from numerous public service announcements that, not only is the department supposed to take reports of dead birds, but I am required to make them. So I called the Federal CDC, to find out what was up. Naturally they directed me right back to the same State department that dismissed me earlier. I managed to complain my way up the ladder until I reached someone who at least could tell me *why* they don't take reports (legislature pulled their funding.)
So maybe West Nile Virus will break out in my area, and I will be able to go to DC with the names of the individuals who couldn't be bothered to take reports of dead birds...
Sears don't take Bitching lightly (Score:5, Interesting)
During the second call I lost my cool and started yelling at the damn thing. My wife came in and wondered what the hell I was doing. I was getting madder and madder. "YES!" "YES!" I SAID YES, DAMMIT!" When I finally got to the point of screaming "YES, BITCH!" the freaking thing said something to the effect of "You have selected 'Cancel' - Thank you" and hung up.
On the third call I was hotter than ever, but made sure I didn't call it a bitch.
FED-EX, on the other hand, immediately defaults to a live person on its system if it doesn't understand something. A much more gratifying experience.
AT&T Wireless is the same way (Score:3, Informative)
TDD users? (Score:3, Funny)
User: Hi, we'll be calling tech support today, I'm having difficulty with my internet.
Operator: Dialing now, just a moment.
User: Thanks.
Operator: Automated menu, 1 for customer support, 2 for accounting, 3 for collections
User: SHIT! SHIT WHORE!
Operator: Sorry?
User: Say that. It'll transfer you faster.
Operator: If I say that, my boss will transfer me faster.
User: Seriously, just swear at it.
Operator: No.
User: C'mon, if you don't we'll both be on hold forever.
Operator: I'm not going to swear at it.
User: Say, what are you wearing?
Operator: What?!
User: That's the spirit, let's continue. Gimme a good 'ASSFACE BUTTLICKER' so we can get to a tech.
Operator: There's something wrong with you.
User: Are you making fun of me because I'm deaf?
Operator: What? No, not at all.
User: You are, aren't you?
Operator: No, I didn't mean it that way.
User: Like I don't get enough crap from everyone else, now I'm being mocked by a bloody TDD operator.
Operator: Sir, I didn't mean it that way, I swear.
User: I'll forgive you if you say "PIECE OF SHIT, HURRY UP"
Operator: Dammit, no, I'm not gonna.. oh, it's transferring me.
User: What did you say?
Operator: Nevermind.
Just do what I do (Score:5, Informative)
Automatically transferred to FBI (Score:5, Funny)
(click)
"FBI, are you aware of what you said?"
"Ah, I just wanted my DSL to work, and they said to wait three weeks."
"You threatened to blow the place. That's a violation of federal law."
"I was just upset."
"You know that Mr. Ashcroft will do anything to protect the assets of those who invest in the United States"
"But, why should I have to wait three weeks for service."
"Sloppy service does not give you the right to threaten American investors.."
whir of sirens...
What I would like to see... (Score:4, Funny)
Worthless software (Score:3, Insightful)
The purpose of the automated calling procedures is to save money, not to connect callers with tech support.
What Pointy Haired Boss would ever buy this? It's a waste of valuable capital (from the perspective of the almighty immediate dollar).
The fatal flaw (Score:4, Interesting)
Here's a true example from my life last week:
no thanks. (Score:3, Interesting)
Now. Just last week I had to remove this message and shorten it to under a minute because some asshole complained that he did not want to wait that long for the message (and he wasn't bright enough to try * or # which nearly all voicemail systems respond to to skip the message). I was first asked to put the disclaimer that you can skip the message w/the * key... Whoever thought that up was a moron. You NEVER tell someone how to skip it or the point of the voicemail message is moot.
Phone trees are apparently never checked thoroughly. They need to be tested 100s of times by different people to make sure that no matter what a call is routed to the right place. My voicemail message was corrected 5 or 6 times to make sure that it was working 100% and that no questions would be left unanswered.
Amazingly enough no one was happy except me.
Sad world we live in.
Being Polite to Angry People (Score:3, Funny)
Yay! (Score:3, Funny)
Treating the symptom, not the disease (Score:3, Insightful)
Shouldn't the need for this tell companies that real people want to talk other real people when they use the phone?
Our non-confrontation society (Score:3, Insightful)
Admittedly, people are getting dumber and have shorter attention spans than ever, and the new customer support business model exploits that by making it very difficult to get help. Customers are treated with apathy and disrespect from the moment they make contact nowadays.
The only way to fight back is to FIGHT BACK.
I hate to say it, but every time I've not censored my opinion on an issue, I get things resolved.
Here are some suggestions:
1. Always ask for the person's name you're speaking with - immediately. This puts them on the defensive and makes them behave a little better.
2. In most cases, you should NEVER deal with tier-one support. Immediately ask to be "escalated" - the first tiers are morons whose main job is to make you feel guilty you called in the first place and get you off the line ASAP.
3. Still having problems? Contact the PRESIDENT of the company or the highest accessible executive. You will be AMAZED how quickly you can get a problem resolved. A friend of mine had a billing problem with a local ISP/telco. He sat outside the president's office -- until he came out and was forced to field my friend's issue. The President assigned a special assistant to my friend to deal with the problem and made it go away fast. I'm sure the President said to his assistant, "Do whatever you have to do, but I don't want to see these people again." - and it worked!
I also like to remind them that hell hath no fury like a pissed off customer, that you'll write letters, put up a web page, or other things. In the past, I got a $17,000 settlement against a company after I put up a web page addressing the problems I had. While some companies don't give a damn, others do, and in several circumstances I've made it clear that if they don't resolve my problem, I'll shout about it from the rooftops and it'll cost them a thousand times my loss in bad PR for them.
Speaking of problems, I recently got ripped off from a company called Big Impressions [big-impressions.biz] out of Arkansas. I highly recommend you avoid these sleazebags.
Beta program (Score:3, Funny)
F***in G**d*** motherfu**** (Score:3)
Booga ya dooga mig na toot!
Tech: "How may I help you?"
Me: "Where's the ANY key?"
Tech: (Booya dubba hooba eagh!)
Re:No more waiting!! (Score:5, Funny)
{
customer.type = 5;
hangup();
}
Re:Also used for detecting lies (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Now I'm angry. (Score:5, Insightful)
The 'jerk' effect is pretty common: given someone who's not complaining and someone who is, the establishment will take care of the person who's complaining first, in order to get them to shut up. No one likes the jerk, everyone likes the polite person, but the jerk will get seated at a restaurant first, will get their money back easier when returning something, and the like.
As a polite person, the establishment knows they can ignore you for a long time. But the jerk will cause them problems immediately.
Sad but true.
Re: Swearing at a machine... (Score:3, Interesting)
However, I don't see that swearing at an automated answering program makes you a jerk. I swear at my computer all the time. If companies want to give obnoxiously irate people preferential treatment, then those people will be their cus
Re:Now I'm angry. (Score:3, Funny)
George Carlin said it best...
At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service
And I became confused about the word "service." Thi
Re:Now I'm angry. (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:Now I'm angry. (Score:3, Interesting)
Classifying everyone as either 'jerk' or 'polite' is a gross oversimplification. The truth is that complaining is a fine art, and there are ways to use this art to get what you want without being a jerk.
The reason why the polite person can be overlooked is because there is no pressing need for attention. If there's a severed thumb in your soup and you sit politely and wait for the waiter to return, you aren't going to get particularly prompt service. If you scream, someone will be over to help you ra
Re:Now I'm angry. (Score:3, Interesting)
It is my understanding that ambulance officers are specifically instructed to ignore accident victims that make excessive amounts of noise. This is because if you are alive enough to yell for help then you are more likely to survive than someone who isn't yelling for help.