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Sorry For the Detainment, Here's a Laptop 218

A select group of 17 Uighur Muslims held in Guantánamo, and waiting for a nation to grant them asylum are getting laptops and web training from the US military. Their web training will take place in a virtual computer lab the military has set up. The lessons will be limited to DVD language training as well as a basic users skill — set to help in any future employment options. Nury Turkel, an Uighur rights activist, said the training would help the men "be reintroduced into a modern society," adding that it "also would give hope to the men that their freedom is nearing." This special group already gets to order fast food and use a phone booth for weekly calls. I think the government is on to something here. Nothing keeps a man pacified like an occasional phone call, a cheeseburger, and surfing for a little porn.


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Sorry For the Detainment, Here's a Laptop

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  • by bughunter ( 10093 ) <> on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @02:25PM (#28185563) Journal

    an occasional phone call, a cheeseburger, and surfing for a little porn

    I dunno. I can only eat, chat, and fap so much. But I could play CivIII [] day and night.

  • by notarockstar1979 ( 1521239 ) on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @02:26PM (#28185569) Journal

    Nothing keeps a man pacified like an occasional phone call, a cheeseburger, and surfing for a little porn.

    Tell my boss that. He won't let me surf porn or make personal calls at work. Cheeseburgers are alright though.

    • by eln ( 21727 ) on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @02:49PM (#28185899)
      And they wonder why people are so lonely, sexually frustrated, and obese these days...
      • For call girls, surfing for porn is great, the occasional phone call comes in, and cheeseburgers are not allowed for the potential effect on revenue.

    • Perhaps your boss doesn't regard you as worthy of pacification. Have you tried leaving part of the carcass of something you've killed with your bare hands on your desk?
    • by EdIII ( 1114411 ) *

      Cheeseburgers are alright though.

      I could not even get a Cheeseburger at work. You had to eat outside the office. No food allowed inside. Except for the boss.

      You would walk past his office some days hungry as fuck and smell McDonalds, or Jack in the Box and still have an hour to go before you could leave.

      Total Prick.

  • I dunno, I'm sure some of their resumes are stocked full of skills that some countries would be interested in.

  • Uighurs (Score:5, Interesting)

    by wiggles ( 30088 ) on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @02:31PM (#28185639)

    For those not in the know, these prisoners are a tough case. The Chinese don't want them back (they're nasty separatist rebels to them), and they don't want to go back to China as it is for fear of waking up one morning with a bullet in their heads. They really don't belong in Gitmo -- they're not full-on Al Qaeda. Nobody in the US wants to grant them asylum because they're former gitmo detainees. The last thing the US wants is to release them to somebody like Yemen or Saudi Arabia, where they can become full-on Al Qaeda. A US judge said they have to be released, but didn't specify to which country. This whole thing is just a mess...

    • Re: (Score:3, Insightful)

      by Anonymous Coward

      Actually, there is only one thing to be done with these people: take them into the USA, compensate them for their wrongful imprisonment, and finally allow them the chance to live a life of freedom. In other words, ATONE for what you did to them.

      Any upstanding American should be ashamed of what his or her country has done and still is doing to these men. Let all the NIMBYs fuck off, too - if I lived in the USA, I'd gladly have these people in my neighbourhood, and I'd show them what America is REALLY like. I

      • by copponex ( 13876 )

        There's no profit in peacetime for friends of friends of the Pentagon.

      • Re:Uighurs (Score:4, Insightful)

        by rtb61 ( 674572 ) on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @09:00PM (#28190437) Homepage

        Eight years of illegal imprisonment and, so far the get to use laptops but likely not to keep them and free access to junk food, damn those must be some pretty pricey computers and some really good junk food. Just give them free access to civil suit lawyers and a couple of years to make use of them. Once they are millionaires there will be plenty of countries who want to take them ;).

    • There is only one place left to send them now.

    • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

      by linzeal ( 197905 )
      If they woke up in the morning and had a bullet in their heads wouldn't that make them some sort of Chinese highlanders?
    • by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @03:57PM (#28186827)

      There is not a real problem here. I'm a former refugee (along with my family), lived with tortured persons, and families of political prisoners and know there are international laws and conventions that define what to do when you have people not welcomed in their own country. This false problem is because the US don't have the political will to apply those conventions after the mess they have created.

    • Re: (Score:3, Interesting)

      by Vintermann ( 400722 )

      They're not full-on Al Quaeda, you got that right. They aren't remotely Al Quaeda.

    • by pod ( 1103 )

      How do we treak "regular" foreign criminals? If returning them to their country of origin is a danger to their lives, don't they get asylum in US?

  • Sorry? (Score:5, Funny)

    by gmuslera ( 3436 ) on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @02:32PM (#28185645) Homepage Journal
    As waterboarding wasnt giving enough answers, they changed tactics and now are giving them laptops with Windows ME and Microsoft Bob. I'm sure there are international laws against that inhuman methods of torture.
  • by Atrox666 ( 957601 ) on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @02:33PM (#28185667)
    If they don't mind being treated a little worse than a terror suspect they could get corporate IT jobs.
  • Spoken by people in The Xinjiang Autonomous Region []

    Also spoken in Afghanistan, Australia, Germany, India, Indonesia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Mongolia, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Taiwan, Tajikistan, Turkey (Asia), USA, Uzbekistan.

  • by daveywest ( 937112 ) on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @02:36PM (#28185725)
    Or it could be a plot by the US government to create an army of disgruntled, economy destabilizing gold farmers in WoW.
  • and how is the lab different from a non-virtual computer lab? do they login with their laptops and run a program that simulates a computer lab?

  • by DomNF15 ( 1529309 ) on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @02:47PM (#28185861)
    Let's see - shelter, fast food, phone access, and now computers. Yep, I'd say that makes their living conditions better than just about every homeless person in America. This must make the millions of recently unemployed Americans feel ever so special. Sorry to be cynical, and I have virtually no idea if these guys actually pose a real threat or not, but am I the only one that thinks prisoners should be put to work to offset some of that tax money being wasted on keeping them alive?
    • How many of them have actually have trials to determine guilt or innocence? Have they even had a chance for a trial? I'm really hazy about where they are in that step but we still need to respect the rule of law. If some of them are innocent, are you suggesting that they work off their incarceration because we jailed them? (Not trying to be a pain here, honest question).
      • Re: (Score:2, Troll)

        by Bobb Sledd ( 307434 )

        Please define rule of law.

        Military? Or do you mean the Constitution, for which does not apply to them?

        • Is America bound by any international treaty concerning warfare and the treatment of prisoners, which according to the constitution, must be followed? You should probably read the Geneva Conventions, Common Article 3. And then the Constitution.

          If we want out of a treaty, I'm pretty sure that a memo sent between cabinet members and other appointed officials isn't quite kosher. I'll Godwin myself a little here: every totalitarian state provides legal pretext for it's actions, no matter how outlandishly concei

    • by rev_sanchez ( 691443 ) on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @03:00PM (#28186067)
      Kidnapping people and putting them to work against their will is called slavery.
    • am I the only one that thinks prisoners should be put to work to offset some of that tax money being wasted on keeping them alive?

      Well you're probably not the *only* one, but consider a couple of things: 1) International law takes a dim view of putting war prisoners into forced labor. It's not something you just go and do without expecting some major outcry from the international "community" 2) I wonder about the cost of guarding prisoners while they work, as opposed to the cost of guarding them in 23-h

    • Re: (Score:2, Insightful)

      by pjabardo ( 977600 )
      Let me get this straight. You pick up a random guy and send him off for a few years to a prison on the other side of the world and you don't even know if the guy is guilty. Since he costs money, you think he should be put to work? This sounds like slavery to me - slave traders would probably use some sort of argument like that: let's go to Africa and pick up some people. They are probably guilty of something and certainly guilty of hating us. It is not fair to feed these people therefore we should make them
    • by TheRaven64 ( 641858 ) on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @03:29PM (#28186427) Journal
      Making prisoners work provides a strong economic incentive for the state to create more prisoners. This rarely ends well.
    • We're spending about $30,000 a second for warfare. That's probably a little too much.

      Let's put it another way - every time you hear about a missile strike in Afghanistan or Pakistan, they are using Hellfire missiles, which are $70,000 a piece. We've lost 70 of the drones in action in the last decade or so, which are 9 million each, not including the ammunition that went down with them. They require a team of 55 people to operate, according to Wikipedia, and I can't even guess how much they cost each minute

  • OLPT (Score:4, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday June 02, 2009 @02:47PM (#28185869)

    One laptop per terrorist!

    Mod me down you wonderful bastards, it's called comedy!

  • I think the government is on to something here. Nothing keeps a man pacified like an occasional phone call, a cheeseburger, and surfing for a little porn.

    Sounds like a typical day of work.
  • Sorry guys, our bad. Here! Have a laptop! I'm sure those guys will just LOVE America after that. Since they're getting web training, I can't wait to see their facebook pages...
  • by dword ( 735428 )

    What do I have to do to get in there?

    • Actually, you might not have to do anything to go there. It's more of a right-place, right-time kind of thing. Other than that, try to grow a beard and a dark skin tone, and brush up on your Arabic and/or Farsi. Becoming enemies with an Afghan warlord is a helpful plus.
  • "DVD language training"? Shouldn't that be "DVD-based language training"?

    "DVD language training" sounds like there is a special language called "DVD", presumably composed of very long strings of 1's and 0's...

Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. -- Neil Armstrong