Best Man Rigs Newlyweds' Bed To Tweet During Sex 272
When an UK man was asked to be the best man at a friend's wedding he agreed that he would not pull any pranks before or during the ceremony. Now the groom wishes he had extended the agreement to after the blessed occasion as well. The best man snuck into the newlyweds' house while they were away on their honeymoon and placed a pressure-sensitive device under their mattress. The device now automatically tweets when the couple have sex. The updates include the length of activity and how vigorous the act was on a scale of 1-10.
First (Score:5, Funny)
First!
130KG. 45 seconds.
Re:First (Score:5, Funny)
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Reread that -- he's using metric.
Re: (Score:3, Interesting)
I don't know how much you weigh, but I am certainly FAR closer to 65kg than to 130kg.
I suspect the average geek is closer to 130. FWIW, I'm 83kg, but only because I've been on a prolonged diet. This time last year I was approaching 100, i.e. closer to 130.
Re:First (Score:5, Insightful)
Unfortunately, we are also intelligent-people centric, and intelligent people tend to use internationally recognized units whose ratios actually make sense.
Re:First (Score:5, Insightful)
Do you really need to divide a foot into inches all that much? You know that's the *only* part of the US system that uses 12 right?
Are there 12 feet in a yard? No? You mean you're suddenly dealing with 3/2, 3/3, 3/4, 3/6? Huh.
How many yards are there in a mile? 12? 24? What? 1760? That doesn't even make sense. How is that related to the glorious "everything is divisible by the factors of 12" scheme? The factors of 1760 are 1, 2, 4, 5, 8, 10, 11, 16, 20, 22, 32, 40, 44, 55, 80, 88, 110, 160, 176, 220, 352, 440, 880, and 1760.
So, to compare:
Metric:
1 centimeter
10 centimeters = 1 decimeter
10 decimeters = 1 meter
1000 meters = 1 kilometer
Imperial:
1 inch
12 inches = 1 foot
3 feet = 1 yard
1760 yards = 1 mile
Yeah. Awesome.
Re: (Score:3, Interesting)
When I spread my hand from thumb to tip of my little finger is about 20cm (near enough, I'm over on that, and under on the arm span, but we're estimating here and I know how much extra, so I just put my thumb a little inside where my pinky was the previous time)
For height, it's really just a ma
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Dividing is much easier in metric than imperial. If you have 7 meters and you want to divide by 3, you get 2.33 meters. Someone well acquainted with normal math can do that in his head. if you have 7 feet and you want to divide by 3, you have to awkwardly do it manually - take 2 feet and you have 1 foot left, divide that by 3, that's 4 inches. People who do architecture all their lives can do it, but normal people, and calculators, can't.
Also, 7 kilometers / 3 = 2 km, 333m and 7 meters / 3 = 2 m, 333mm, but
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You?re post #1 ? Action concluded at 12.43GMT. Duration: 0.37 s. Frenzy Index: 3 (funny). Judge?s Comment: "Is that it?"
Re:First (Score:4, Informative)
One thing we do know - newlywedsontjob ... that's Northern England, for sure. ("There's trouble at t'mill", etc). Cuts it down a bit.
Beowulf (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Beowulf (Score:4, Funny)
Gross.
Um... (Score:5, Insightful)
They’re on the job! #2 - Action commenced at 15.50GMT. Weight: 151KG.
They’re on the job! #3 - Action commenced at 15.13GMT. Weight: 151KG.
They’re on the job! #4 - Action commenced at 19.14GMT. Weight: 151KG.
and later...
They’re on the job! #5 - Action commenced at 09.33GMT. Weight: 152KG.
Where did those extra 2.2 pounds come from? 4 times in and they are already experimenting with sex toys?! I just don't know what to say as a virgin, unmarried slashdotter.
I guess the only fitting comment is "pics or it didn't happen"
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Although I admit this is a response deserving of a 'whoosh...', people tend to eat and drink things y'know? Your weight varies by a good +/- 1 kg throughout a typical day.
Comment removed (Score:5, Informative)
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Yikes. You're quite the bitter loser.
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Three-way! Kinky.
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Either a bottle of champagne. Or a riding crop.
Re:Um... (Score:4, Funny)
Hah! Further proof of the secret buggy whip manufacturer conspiracy!
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Different combination of bedsheets, clothes, etc?
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Does role-playing and fantasy mean nothing to you?
So you're telling us that a wizard did it?
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I put on my robe and wizard's hat...
Comment removed (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Um... (Score:5, Funny)
1kg of the stuff ? I find that a bit hard to swallow !
Re:Um... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Um... (Score:5, Funny)
1kg of the stuff ? I find that a bit hard to swallow !
Thats what she said!
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Where did those extra 2.2 pounds come from?
Wedding cake is very fattening...
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Where did those extra 2.2 pounds come from?
I put on my robe and wizard hat.
Double blinded sex (Score:5, Funny)
Unfortunately (well, maybe fortunately) all parties in this hack are anonymous. Otherwise, the new groom could rig up an automatic bed bouncing machine and become a sexual legend of Web 3.0.
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Maybe 15 minutes of very vigorous motions on the bed could supply enough energy to send out a tweet or two. I guess they could have had a battery powered sensor that just did radio comms on start and stop, then the relay is elsewhere.
Anyway from the tweets it seems like it stopped already since the last post is: "# They're on the job! #5 - Action commenced at 09.33GMT. Weight: 152KG. 1:33 AM Dec 14th from Power Twitter". There's no
Re: (Score:2)
After warming up, they finally are having a marathon session.
22 minutes isn't bad compared to average (I've read 15 minutes is the average for many males) but women are capable of (and often need!) so much more than that.
And men, the more you give, the more you get in the long run.
Of course, no one wants a steam hammer just hammering away dully. You have to switch it up a bit.
Every man should read Donald Hicks book.
Re: (Score:2)
22 minutes isn't bad compared to average (I've read 15 minutes is the average for many males) but women are capable of (and often need!) so much more than that.
Not necessarily intercourse, though. Many women get sore and uncomfortable after more than 10-15 minutes of that. And of course, since this is Slashdot, how many of us men are in good enough shape to go for that long, anway?
The trick is to realize that the clock starts as soon as you go down on her. 25 minutes of oral + 5 minutes of intercourse counts as a 30 minute session.
This is weak even for slashdot (Score:2)
"Neither the friend nor the couple are known. In fact, who knows if this is even real, and who cares, it's hilarious."
What's next? Fart jokes? Unverified of course!
Re: (Score:2)
An invasion of privacy is hilarious?
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Re:This is weak even for slashdot (Score:5, Informative)
There's nothing funny about invasions of privacy.
But there's so many things that make this story hilarious.
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It is not the invasion of privacy that is funny here. Move along, you need not be concerned.
Signed
The Humor Police
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There's no invasion of privacy, since names are undisclosed. The only information that you get is that someone, somewhere, is having sex right now. If this comes as a surprise to you, I really have no further advice.
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Sure, they're undisclosed to us.. but the best man still set up a monitoring device in someone elses home, and surely he knows the couple..
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Exactly.
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An invasion of privacy is hilarious?
It is very easy for me to imagine that at some point in your life you've laughed at somebody getting their pants yanked down or maybe at embarrassing photos of people.
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I've rigged my finger to tweet when it's pulled.
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Like most Twitter feeds... (Score:5, Funny)
...this feed won't be updated much after a few months.
Re:Like most Twitter feeds... (Score:5, Funny)
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Well, lets hope it does not get updated every time the husband is on the golf course. :)
If he golfs, then that'll be the only time it will get updated.
As the saying goes: "Do you still have sex, or do you already play golf?"
It'll be even more hillarious (Score:5, Funny)
If the device starts tweeting while the husband is at work.
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Re:It'll be even more hillarious (Score:5, Insightful)
If you have to worry about your newly wed bride doing someone else while you toil away at work, the relationship is already over.
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Only one sensor? (Score:5, Funny)
The best man snuck into the newlyweds' house while they were away on their honeymoon and placed a pressure-sensitive device under their mattress.
So it only measures sex on the bed. How boring is that? That leaves out the walls, floor, couch, kitchen counter, pool table, the whole rest of the house and car sex un-Tweeted.
And, if you're Tiger Woods, the private jet, the yacht and the putting green.
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"and the putting green."
kind hard to hide a sensor there, dear, given how tightly shorn the grass is on the green.
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That's why you put the sensor in the hole.
Re:Only one sensor? (Score:5, Funny)
That leaves out the walls, floor, couch, kitchen counter, pool table, the whole rest of the house and car sex
Ah yes, first stage of sex in a marriage.
Second stage is after a few years, pretty much confined to the bedroom.
Third stage kicks in around twelve or fifteen years. That's where you pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you!"
Re:Only one sensor? (Score:4, Funny)
Way to ruin a good punch-line
You're supposed to say "Hall Sex", and only after you get the "wtf is Hall Sex" look, explain it.
Re: (Score:3, Interesting)
And next time you are at your newlywed friends home consider how many times they have had sex and left bodily fluids on the couch you are sitting on.
Hmm (Score:5, Funny)
So how does the device work? For instance, how are these weight measurements being made? If you just put a load cell under the middle of the bed, it isn't going to measure the total mass. You'd need to use 4 load cells - one at each corner of the mattress. And the Mattress has to have a frame, like a box spring. Or you could use 1 load cell, but you'd have to build a special framework under the bed for it.
The next part is how do you translate these weight and vibration readings into a "sex detector". Where do you set the threshold, such that if someone just rolls over or even flops on the bed it doesn't set it off? Lots of ordinary acts, from scratching an itch to sitting up might create vibrations in the system that would fool a simple script into detecting "sex".
Plus, some sex acts create a lot more vibration that others. Position also matters quite a bit.
This is an interesting problem. I think it's solvable, to a reasonable level of accuracy. But you'd have to calibrate the system, which would require something that most slashdotters don't have access to....
Re:Hmm (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:Hmm (Score:5, Funny)
This. This is why I read Slashdot.
Re:Hmm (Score:5, Funny)
This? This is why I read Slashdot?
Re:Hmm (Score:4, Funny)
Then you need to detect extended signal within that band...
Um, aren't they British?
Re:Hmm (Score:5, Interesting)
That's a pretty trivial filtering problem. It looks like it's all based on a set of load cells, so the question is if you look at the down forces on, say, the four corners of your bed what does sex "look" like? Fourier transforms would convert running measurements to frequency measurements. I'd say you look for a minimum of 5-10 seconds of oscillations at a given frequency (anything from maybe 1 to 10Hz). You then require a 2+ minute span of continuing recurrences. Filter out total weights that indicate only one person (or, you know, don't). Figure peak, average, and maybe std deviation of the frequency/ampitude spectrum recored for the "event" and use those numbers to do your "grading".
This is the reason *I* went to college.
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This is the reason *I* went to college.
You too!?
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10 Hz?! I must be doing it wrong. Are you sure you aren't programming an epileptic fit detector?
2+ minute span? Now I *know* I'm doing it wrong...
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You know you're on Slashdot when this is what passes for a sex discussion.
Re:Hmm (Score:5, Funny)
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For once, sex comes up on Slashdot in a way that's hilarious rather than creepy.
So, I was strolling down to the kindergarten.....
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This is an interesting problem. I think it's solvable, to a reasonable level of accuracy. But you'd have to calibrate the system, which would require something that most slashdotters don't have access to....
An oscilloscope?
Sounds interesting... (Score:3, Funny)
Wow, I want one, that sounds awesome. I wouldn't have it tweet when I'm having sex, but I'd probably keep some sort of online log that would graph the weight, volume, temperature (though that might be greatly skewed by the friction of the mattress constantly rubbing against the device) and if I can have motion sensors I'd have it log "the motion of the ocean."
Not that the data would serve much purpose other than to say "Hey check out what I made."
Thanks advertising agencies of the world (Score:5, Insightful)
The plot plotted... (Score:2)
if time=x and frequency=y
f(x)= 1/x
x: (0, infinity)
Good application of a Wiibot (Score:2)
Finally! (Score:5, Funny)
Finally, a use for Twitter!
1-10 isn't good enough (Score:2, Funny)
For newlyweds it should go to 11.
my wife is an odd duck (Score:5, Funny)
Re: (Score:3, Funny)
I'm not quite sure if she will take kindly to being called a duck
I take offense to that!
"Everybody Knows".... (Score:5, Funny)
there's gonna be a meter on your bed, that will disclose.. what everybody knows!..
never thought it would be LITERAL.
Bedbugs and Twitterboxes (Score:2)
I wonder how often the new bride and groom will be inclined to turn the mattress? This will tell us something about their housekeeping skills, too. Will the bedbugs find the Twitterbox before they do?
Re:Bedbugs and Twitterboxes (Score:5, Insightful)
Let's hope... (Score:3, Funny)
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Re:With friends like these, who needs enemies? (Score:5, Insightful)
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I wonder how many low-intensity sex sessions are actually false positives caused by tossing and turning.
But doesn't that count as foreplay?
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wait a minute.. you're saying tossing and turning on a bed with someone isn't sex??! Damn it I thought I scored.
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Re: (Score:3, Interesting)
As one getting married in 11 days...
Well let me be the first on Slashdot (maybe?) to say: CONGRATULATIONS!
I don't know you or how long you knew your fiance, but I just want to wish you all the best in your journey. It will be fun :)
Ignore the AC above, he's mad because he was raped in an alley yesterday.
And yea mods, you can mod this off-topic. There goes Karma :\
Friendly advice (Score:3, Insightful)
I've been married twice, so let me tell you something important. They say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Don't worry, that's not true. It's the last year that's the hardest.
Good luck!