The Internet Has Transformed Modern Divorce 277
stern writes "The internet may be contributing to divorces (thanks, Facebook!) but it's also reducing the pain, especially the bitter fighting associated with joint custody. Calendars are now much easier to coordinate, and if one parent denies a court-ordered phone call to another, there's no way to hide the fact that the call didn't happen. Because of these and other technologies, divorce has changed radically in the last ten years. From the article: 'When [one divorcee] requested court-mandated parent counseling, the judge ordered the two to use an online tool called Our Family Wizard instead. Now, lawyers supervise e-mail exchanges between her and her ex, ensuring that each party responds to the other in a timely manner. All e-mails are time dated and tracked. Parents can create a shared expense log and receive automated notices and reminders about parental obligations.'"
Re:Sigh (Score:2, Insightful)
Why depressing? Its just plain old reality looking us in the face. If people were meant to be monogamous they wouldn't have invented marriage in the first place. Theres a HUGE industry built around it, almost every movie or show you watch is all about dating then marriage, but the fact is if people wanted to stay together they wouldn't need a legally binding contract to ossify the situation. Marriage is a bad idea.
Re:increasing divorce or honesty? (Score:5, Insightful)
On the contrary, I think it is far more likely that Facebook will contribute to divorces in cases where cheating is NOT occurring. People who are insecure about their relationships are going to read into EVERYTHING on Facebook. But, generally speaking, people who are actually cheating aren't going to post about it on Facebook.
Re:increasing divorce or honesty? (Score:5, Insightful)
Or you could instead say that its facilitating the catching of cheating rats.
A large number of people do not 'set out to cheat', but if you put them in an environment that facilitates it they may stray in a moment of weakness, often regretted, but which can't be undone.
If your married and don't want to cheat you should avoid spending a lot of time alone with members of the opposite sex. Period. That includes on facebook.
Facebook is precisely the sort of place you shouldn't go. The constant bombardment of people you used to know, or sort of know coupled with natural human curiosity, and the false sense of security one has from being 'its only online' I'm safely at home.
And suddenly your chatting up an ex, and keeping it secret because your spouse would be pissed, and then they want to meet for coffee and you keep that secret too, and besides its just a friend... and they have feelings for you, and its kind of flattering, and you know its wrong but its kind of exciting... and then you've done something you regret.
And of course the evidence is all over facebook for your spouse to find out about one day when you forgot to logout; if the STD you brought home doesn't give you away first.
Point reiterated -- a lot of people don't intend to cheat, but if they are in a situation where they end up having a secret relationship with a member of the opposite sex... its definitely going to happen sometimes. And facebook is a prime breeding ground for (re)kindling those sorts of relationships.
If you want to avoid it, stay off facebook entirely, or have a joint family account instead of a personal one. If your going to tempt fate by chatting with an ex, having your spouse sit in definitely puts a wet blanket on any sparks...
Re:This is the ONLY situation where.. (Score:5, Insightful)
As a reason to abridge the rights of the public, many of whom have not chosen the responsibility of having kids, you're right, fuck that in the ear with a rusty railroad spike. And I say that as a parent: if my kid accesses images of bestiality or whatever you're into and is scarred by it, that's my fault. You can watch all the depraved videos you want, and put them on whatever websites you want. You can take whatever privacy measures you want even if it means that law enforcement would be unable to make sure you're not transmitting illegal material. If law enforcement has no good reason to think you're doing something illegal, then you should be free to be as secretive as you want. Anyone who says otherwise is an asshole. "Think of the children" has no place in such discussions, except to mark very stupid people who should not be allowed to vote in a country that claims to be the land of liberty.
It's just that assholes who want to increase the government's powers find it useful to use that line the wrong way. Using it to remind parents that they have greater responsibilities is not as useful. That's why typically when you hear it, it's with a bad idea, it's not an inherently evil idea in and of itself. In divorce cases, it can be quite the opposite. If you're upset at your ex-spouse, you really need to put that aside for the children and act like an adult.
Re:increasing divorce or honesty? (Score:5, Insightful)
People who are insecure about their relationships are going to read into EVERYTHING on Facebook.
People who are insecure about their relationships are going to read into EVERYTHING.
Crazy or insecure people will act crazy or insecure.
Facebook just gives them another playground for their fears to romp around on.
And (Score:1, Insightful)
I know alot of wow addicts who got divorced solely because when life got hard they played 12 hours a day rather than looking for a job or spending time iwth the disgruntled spouse. Internet addiction can be serious and a cause of divorce as well if you have a spouse who hates computer games (70%) and does not understand that the raid until 2am has to be done because people rely on you. This also just happens to co-inside the time set for sex by the S.O.
Sadly, I see it happening to men who feel abandonded as well. Myself included in that category.
Re:increasing divorce or honesty? (Score:5, Insightful)
I think you are underestimating how stupid people are.
Re:increasing divorce or honesty? (Score:4, Insightful)
If you have no integrity, then none. (Score:3, Insightful)
Re:increasing divorce or honesty? (Score:5, Insightful)
Yeah - but -
In a marriage, both parties are supposed to work to understand the other, and to build each other up. Some of my conduct changed when I got married. More of it changed when I became a parent. And, the other half has made changes for me.
If you're alive, if you're learning and growing, and if you actually care about the other person, you can expect that you're going to change as life goes on. Those who can't or won't change would do just as well to lie down and die.
That said, you're right. If either one of you is eaten up with jealousy and insecurities, then it was a mistake.
Re:Sigh (Score:4, Insightful)
Fraking things you do for love :( I loved her much more than myself. Stupid but true.
Re:increasing divorce or honesty? (Score:5, Insightful)
1990....2000....2005....2006....2007....2008....2009 (-- Year
4.7......4.1.......3.6......3.7.......3.6......3.5.......3.4 (-- divorce rate per 1000 in the USA
source: http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/cats/births_deaths_marriages_divorces/marriages_and_divorces.html [census.gov]
How can you be looking for a common social cause for something that's not happening?
GOD I hate "common wisdom."
Re:increasing divorce or honesty? (Score:5, Insightful)
If you can not control yourself when faced with temptation, you have issues that divorce alone is not going to fix.
Utter nonsense.
Specifically with marital fidelity, it's very common that people who intend to be faithful get too close to another member of the opposite sex, spending so much time with them (at work, for example) that feelings begin to develop, and non-physical intimacy gets gradually greater and greater, to the point that it eventually turns physical. Of course, the infidelity began long before it turned physical, and possibly before either party realized what was happening.
But the same holds with all sorts of temptation. If you're struggling to control your weight, it's a bad idea to put a big bowl of your favorite candy on your desk. If you're an alcoholic, it's a bad idea to go into a bar. If you used to be addicted to cigarettes, it's a bad idea to hang out with the smokers behind the building.
Relying solely on self-control when faced repeatedly with the same temptation is pretty much a guaranteed way to fail. It's much smarter to structure your life so that you minimize your exposure to whatever you're trying to avoid.
A Sunday School teacher explained it to me this way:
There was a stagecoach owner who needed to hire a new driver. Three men came in to be interviewed. In addition to all of his other questions, the owner asked each of them "How close can you drive to the edge of a cliff without going over?"
The first responded "I can get so close that the edge of the iron rim lines up exactly with the cliff edge."
The second said "I can get so close that the half of the rim hangs over the edge."
The third said "I don't know. I stay as far away from the edge as possible."
The owner hired the third man.
If you want to avoid temptation, the very best way to do it is to avoid putting yourself in a position where you might someday be tempted. A wise man told me shortly after I got married that it would be prudent for me to avoid, whenever possible, ever being alone with a woman other than my wife. I've followed that advice, and I've never been even remotely tempted to stray, and I doubt I ever will. Be tempted, I mean. I'm quite certain that I will never be unfaithful.