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Uber CEO: We'll Run Your Errands 139

Posted by samzenpus from the filling-in-the-gaps dept.
mpicpp writes with Uber's latest plans for expansion. The future of Uber is about pharmacies and rickshaws. So says CEO Travis Kalanick. One of several avenues for expansion is in a category of delivery that's about running errands. "In Los Angeles, we're doing something called Uber Fresh, which is you push a button and you get a lunch in five minutes," Kalanick told CNN's Fareed Zakaria. "In DC, we're doing Uber Corner Store. So imagine all the things you get at a corner store...FedEx isn't going to your nearest pharmacy and delivering something to you in five minutes," he continued. Another is in emerging markets, where the company may focus on rickshaws, rather than high-end black cars, Kalanick said.
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Uber CEO: We'll Run Your Errands More

Uber CEO: We'll Run Your Errands

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  • Uber Fresh? (Score:5, Insightful)

    by ArcadeMan ( 2766669 ) on Monday September 15, 2014 @03:45PM (#47912581)

    So, they'll go to Subway, wait in line to be served, tell them what I want in my sub, pick up a bag of chips, fill the oversized cup with my choice of drink and then deliver it to me, all of that inside five minutes?

    I'd rather wait for the McCopter to deliver my Big Mac and fries.

    • Re: (Score:2, Insightful)

      by Anonymous Coward

      "Here random stranger, please take this prescription for a controlled substance down to the pharmacy. I look forward to your return in 5 minutes, when you definitely will not be around the corner snorting my painkillers."

      • And you trust the cashier making $3 an hour after taxes not to be stealing your controlled substances?

        So long as the bags are sealed in the pharmacy and the contents are not noted on the outside, it should be fine.

        • Re:Uber Fresh? (Score:4, Insightful)

          by Luckyo ( 1726890 ) on Monday September 15, 2014 @04:51PM (#47913099)

          Customer trusting the cashier?

          It's about pharmacy owner. They have massive amounts of security to prevent this very scenario.

        • So long as the bags are sealed in the pharmacy and the contents are not noted on the outside, it should be fine.

          Famous last words

        • Re:Uber Fresh? (Score:5, Informative)

          by CanHasDIY ( 1672858 ) on Monday September 15, 2014 @04:52PM (#47913105) Homepage Journal

          And you trust the cashier making $3 an hour after taxes not to be stealing your controlled substances?

          So long as the bags are sealed in the pharmacy and the contents are not noted on the outside, it should be fine.

          Where the hell are you shopping, where your scripts are divvied out by the teenager running the check-out lane???

          I get my scripts from, you know, a pharmacist, who makes a hell of a lot more than $3/hr.

          • even a pharmacy tech makes at least 15-20 an hour.

        • And you trust the cashier making $3 an hour after taxes not to be stealing your controlled substances?

          So long as the bags are sealed in the pharmacy and the contents are not noted on the outside, it should be fine.

          You obviously have no idea how much a pharmacist makes.

        • And you trust the cashier making $3 an hour after taxes not to be stealing your controlled substances?

          So long as the bags are sealed in the pharmacy and the contents are not noted on the outside, it should be fine.

          Should be fine! Because there's no way the security of the stapled paper bag can be subverted (the method pharmacies use to "seal" hand-filled prescriptions). Not to mention the pharmacy won't let your drugs go to someone who doesn't know your DOB.

          Great, so let's review: I am giving someone on Uber my DOB, home address, form of payment, telling them what drugs I am on, letting the pharmacy give them random paperwork about me (which might be an insurance form carrying my SSN) AND hoping they dont swap the

    • Re:Uber Fresh? (Score:5, Insightful)

      by CastrTroy ( 595695 ) on Monday September 15, 2014 @03:59PM (#47912709)
      I don't see why not. The local cab company used to do beer/liquor deliveries where I lived. $5 flat rate for all deliveries. As students without a car it was the best/only way to get a case of beer to the house. As long as you bill appropriately for the time it takes to complete the errand, I don't see why they couldn't make good money doing this.

      • Re: (Score:1)

        by Anonymous Coward

        I find it *really* hard to believe there wasn't a liquor store around the corner from where any beer guzzling students live.

        • Re: (Score:3)

          by Livius ( 318358 )

          In some places the government builds the liquor stores.

          • Re: (Score:2)

            by Luckyo ( 1726890 )

            At which point, attempting to resale alcohol through this delivery system would be a criminal offence. One of the main reasons for government monopolies on alcohol in states where such monopoly exists is reduction of consumption.

            • Re: (Score:1)

              by Anonymous Coward

              Criminal, but useful. When a law has no useful purpose, people might as well violate it whenever they're reasonably sure they'll get away with it. I'm not saying they shouldn't repeal it too (they should!!), but in the mean time, just flout it.

              (BTW, am I the only person who has ever had a pizza delivered? There's ample precedent for there being market demand for all this kind of stuff.)

              • Re: (Score:1)

                by Luckyo ( 1726890 )

                You find preventing alcohol addiction, managing already existing alcohol addiction and massive amount of victims that alcohol addicts cause to their circle of family and friends as "not useful purpose" while "getting booze delivered to me instead of going to the shop to fetch it" is "useful purpose"?

                You are truly a one warped individual and need help.

                • Considering that many people who'd like to visit the liquor store might have already had something to drink, wouldn't you like to encourage sober drivers to obtain and deliver that alcohol?

                  • Re: (Score:2)

                    by Luckyo ( 1726890 )

                    Actually it discourages them, because neither Systembolaget nor Alko, the monopoly relatailers in Sweden and Finland respectively, do not sell to inebriated people.

                    If you're drunk, you're not getting any more alcohol. So no reason to drive there in the first place. Not to even mention that both countries have excellent public transport and taxi systems, and a lot of campaigns to discourage drunk driving.

                    In case you need evidence, here's Systembolaget's English page on the topic:
                    https://www.systembolaget.se/ [systembolaget.se]

                • Re: (Score:2)

                  by dave420 ( 699308 )

                  Are you American or something? Restricting alcohol sales simply forces the problem underground. Proper healthcare is needed to fix alcohol issues, including preventative education.

                  It appears you're pretty warped yourself. Making alcoholics walk further or drink moonshine isn't going to help them.

                  • Re: (Score:2)

                    by Luckyo ( 1726890 )

                    I'm Finnish. Both us and Swedes have alcohol monopoly, and had it for a very long time. It works wonders and is a part of preventive measures against alcohol abuse in countries where winter darkness is massive.

                    The sheer ignorance of suggesting that this would make alcoholics drive is quite astounding. Neither Systembolaget nor Alko serve drunk customers and both countries have top notch public transit. Ignorance at its finest.

                    Here, have a look: https://www.systembolaget.se/E... [systembolaget.se]

                    • I'm Finnish. Both us and Swedes have alcohol monopoly, and had it for a very long time. It works wonders and is a part of preventive measures against alcohol abuse in countries where winter darkness is massive.

                      It's always discouraging to me when it's foreigners who use the correct word, 'preventive' rather than 'preventative' as many Americans do. Sigh.

      • Re: (Score:1)

        by Anonymous Coward

        Yawn.

        Boston had a service like this roughly 25 years ago, called 'Vidigo Delivery'. They rented VHS movies, picked up non-prescription drug store items, delivered for local restaurants, and once even delivered me to a date with pizza, the movie we wanted to watch, and a working VHS player. The owner eventually sold it off to someone who stole receipts and bankrupted it, but it was a useful little service while it was live.

    • Re: (Score:3, Informative)

      by alphazulu0 ( 3675815 )

      Uber Fresh is very limited. It's only available in certain parts of West Los Angeles and only one food choice per day. So no going to Subway and no telling them what you want in your sub.

      However, if you want a sub, just be in West LA on Weds and they'll bring you a Godmother from Bay Cities Italian Deli. It's widely considered the best sandwich in LA.

      http://blog.uber.com/uberfresh... [uber.com]

    • In Europe and Asia there are already services like this. The service has a link with the restaurant. So if you send in the order, they send their order into the restaurant (or call it in). Then when your food is ready a guy on a motorcycle comes in, picks it up, and the store settles up later.

      At no point in time is your delivery guy waiting 30 minutes on line.

      Plus there is generally a delivery charge (or the restaurant gives up a cut). If each delivery is $5, zipping around from house to house would be

      • Restaurants in america also do this already. In cities, many of them contract with a delivery service (a guy with a car who makes loops of several restaurants, picking up deliveries and dropping them off).

        Fees are already $5 or less...and often you can order online through a service like Seamless or GrubHub.

        It seems like this cover's other types of errands. Home Depot doesn't deliver that part you discover you need in the middle of a project. If you are already a carfree city dweller, you might have

      • In Europe and Asia there are already services like this.

        Random example [smood2you.ch] of such service in Geneva, Switzerland.

        Pharmacies also operate their own such services (it's a popular job for high-schoolers to earn a few bucks).

        Plus there is generally a delivery charge (or the restaurant gives up a cut). If each delivery is $5, zipping around from house to house would be a very good job if it's organized correctly.

        And, unlike taxi service, can also be achieved with much lighter transportation vehicle (said drug-delivering high-schooler tend to do it with their motocycle scooter, e-bike, etc. also because it's easier to get a license for it) which overall can potentially lower emission and lower traffic in dense cities.
        (well at least here in Europe where bik

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by dissy ( 172727 )

      It works for Cafe Courier [cafecourier.com], and they have been doing just that (and making a profit, including off me) since the late 90s.

      For the two years Kroger had their peachtree* delivery service, I used the crap out of that! Groceries and pharmaceuticals to your door, and for some even further and right into your fridge.
      (Thou I mainly saw that last bit only for older and disabled people. I am just lazy and not wanting to go to the store)

      These days I have to hope I get a regular pizza delivery guy that I can uber-ove

    • Ironically, they are actually doing something similar to this in some Asian countries (well, minus the "copter" part), as "McDelivery" [wikipedia.org].

      They trialled this in Australia a while ago [smh.com.au] and people carried on like it was going to end western civilisation - oh, wait...

  • And finding none.

  • Urban Fetch was this exact same idea in NYC, and it died a horrible death during the web 1.0 collapse. Does no one remember these things??

    • Re:Urban Fetch (Score:5, Insightful)

      by Ralph Wiggam ( 22354 ) on Monday September 15, 2014 @03:56PM (#47912687) Homepage

      I immediately though of Kozmo.com.

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by tekrat ( 242117 )

        Yeah, I couldn't remember Kozmo's name fast enough for a quick post... Damn, it's been almost 15 years!

        • Re:Urban Fetch (Score:5, Informative)

          by captainClassLoader ( 240591 ) on Monday September 15, 2014 @04:06PM (#47912763) Journal
          The documentary about Kosmo.com, e-Dreams [imdb.com], is both fascinating and painful to watch. These guys went through a breathtakingly huge pile of money in a very short time, trying to do exactly this sort of personalized delivery. It gives you a real feel for how truly insane VC funding was in the late '90s. Maybe Kalanick should check this film out before putting too much effort into this idea.

          • Re: (Score:2)

            by sootman ( 158191 )

            Totally different. Kosmo was a web 1.0 company trying to do this, while Uber is a web 2.0 company. (Or is it 3.0, now that we've ditched gradients and went back to using vowels?) Anyway, it's totally gonna work this time. The rules of space, time, and economics are all different now.

            • Re:Urban Fetch (Score:5, Interesting)

              by digsbo ( 1292334 ) on Monday September 15, 2014 @05:21PM (#47913271)
              You joke, but one of the effects of increasing income inequality can be that the high income group starts to rely on the low income group more and more for these kinds of services.

              • Re: (Score:1)

                by Anonymous Coward

                Of course the very rich never use the equivalent of what they are paid. They will only eat the same number of meals per day. But they are crashing the economy and causing severe distortions in the economy. See the great banned TED Talk: Nick Hanauer "Rich people don't create jobs"
                https://www.youtube.com/watch?... [youtube.com]

                Of course Travis Kalanick espouses the great "free market" and is attempting everything he can to exploit income inequality and steal even more from the middle class. Rumor has it he is even wor

                • Uber, charges more money for the same service

                  Wait, what? There's a ton wrong with Uber, but this does not seem to be on the list. In my experience, Uber X charges approximately 50% or less what a conventional cab would charge (and about 75% what a flat-rate cab would charge). Even so, Uber greatly increases the driver pool (at least here in Seattle, not sure how limited cab licenses are in other markets) and pays their drivers more (at least so says every driver I've met who formerly drove a conventional or flat-rate cab).

                  There's other stuff wrong wit

                  • Wait, what? There's a ton wrong with Uber, but this does not seem to be on the list. In my experience, Uber X charges approximately 50% or less what a conventional cab would charge (and about 75% what a flat-rate cab would charge).

                    Well, you fell to their propaganda. Uber tries, apparently successfully in your case, to be at the same time a taxi company, while not being a taxi company but a company that matches partners for car sharing.

                    Uber drivers get less money than normal taxi drivers, that's why you pay less. Uber, on the other hand, charges more for its service: In London, about 20% of the fare, while normal services that the taxi drivers use charge about 10%. So yes, Uber charges more for the same service. The service isn't d

                    • Well, you fell to their propaganda.

                      Don't be a prick. My point began with "there's a ton wrong with Uber", I am not a fanboy. Instead of responding with this internethipster you don't KNOW what a service IS? bullshit, just clarify the point (if it was even yours in the first place; if it wasn't, you're broadening the discussion and doing it in a really dickish way). It would make a discussion, with understanding and possibly even learning, much more achievable.

                      Yes, ultimately the fundamental problem with Uber is that they try to appear like a

            • Yeah, having access to AJAX and cloud computing will make the difference here.. something something.. synergy.

          • The documentary about Kosmo.com, e-Dreams [imdb.com], is both fascinating and painful to watch. These guys went through a breathtakingly huge pile of money in a very short time, trying to do exactly this sort of personalized delivery.

            Not quite. They lived the high life for a couple of years off of that money, while pretending to have a business that actually did something. I was with a similar company back then, and contrary to their press releases, they never intended to be successful. Success means oversight and someone has to account for the spending. "Start up" means champaign and prostitutes billed to "miscellaneous expenses."

          • The documentary about Kosmo.com, e-Dreams [imdb.com], is both fascinating and painful to watch. These guys went through a breathtakingly huge pile of money in a very short time, trying to do exactly this sort of personalized delivery. It gives you a real feel for how truly insane VC funding was in the late '90s. Maybe Kalanick should check this film out before putting too much effort into this idea.

            I think you've got that wrong. They didn't go through a huge pile of investors' money while trying unsuccessfully to create a personalised delivery service. They went highly successfully through a huge pile of money while pretending to create a delivery service.

      • Well, not that it won't have some of the same pitfalls (and I think this is dangerous territory for them to be getting into), but most delivery companies start by trying to build the infrastructure for a delivery service with no other business to support / justify such an infrastructure.

        Here, Uber already has a significant infrastructure that serves a somewhat profitable business, that it's trying to increase the utilization of. Like taxi services offering package delivery (but which you rarely hear a

    • Re: (Score:3)

      by geekoid ( 135745 )

      but WHY did it collapse? was it distribution? poor messaging? slow communication?

      A lot of those reason have been solved.
      Sometimes people see where a technology is going, and jump to the point, forgetting the need for infrastructure to support it. Once the technology infrastructure is in place, those things become marketable.

      In short, you need to eat your meat before you can have you pudding.

      • Remember, this was the first dot com boom. It could, just as easily, have been a case of too many company humvees purchased...

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by DogDude ( 805747 )
        The technology is there. A web page isn't rocket science. The money, though, isn't there.

      • Re: (Score:2, Interesting)

        by Anonymous Coward

        but WHY did it collapse?

        Because home delivery is expensive [reuters.com].

      • Yeah I feel like Uber drivers benefit differently than a dedicated delivery person. If your choice is to idle in a parking lot waiting for an Uber request or making $5 in 10 minutes then you can pad what was an expense with a small amount of income. $30 an hour for a delivery van is probably on the low end of breaking even. $15 an hour filler + $50 an hour driving is better than $0/hr filler + $50 an hour driving.

    • The "ride-sharing" services believe that smart phones are the enabling technology that explain why Things are Different Now and taxi laws should no longer apply. I would guess the rationale for this is the same. Of course a lot of people already had cell phones way back in the dark ages of Kozmo.com (2000 or thereabouts), but I'll grant relatively few people had GPS, especially linked to their phone, which would be very useful for automated dispatch optimization. Combining trips would be the key for mak

    • Prodigy tried pop-up and in-line ads and died, too. Sometimes it's neither the product nor the delivery, but simply market timing.

  • Not like this won't be abused. I can see them getting pranked a lot with this idea.

  • imagine all that waste (Score:3, Insightful)

    by Anonymous Coward on Monday September 15, 2014 @03:54PM (#47912675)

    What's wrong with bringing a lunch to work or walking there, rather than "push button lunch/car emissions come out"

    • car emissions come out

      Now, regarding the CO2 emissions, this might be solved by using a lighter vehicle for such errends.

      To transport a few clients and their suit-cases to the airport, yes, a Uber driver needs a big-enough car.
      BUT!
      To carry and drop around a few lunchboxes or pharmacy bags, a Smart car, a motorcycle scooter or an e-bike is pretty well enough.
      (Also european cities tend to have separate lanes for bikes, meaning that the Uber driver can bring your delivery while avoiding traffic jams).

      Now on the other side, there ar

  • Looks like Uber is becoming the next Amazon by pursuing every possible angle to maintain growth while in search of nonexistent profits. Looking forward to the Uber Phone rollout.

    • Looks like Uber is becoming the next Amazon by pursuing every possible angle to maintain growth while in search of nonexistent profits. Looking forward to the Uber Phone rollout.

      The new singing telegram...

  • I've been excited about alternatives to taxi service. I've lived and dealt with taxi's in Minneapolis, Seattle, San Francisco and Denver. Denver is not a big city and has poor taxi coverage. I went to a concert Sunday, August 30th planning to use them to get home. Uber announced a rate multiplier of 2.5 times that night (making them much more expensive than a taxi, to gain more drivers) after I was already at the show... Limited taxi service sucks and something else is needed. But I can't seem to rely on U

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by Richy_T ( 111409 )

      They are not trying to be cost competitive to taxi services, they are trying to be *better*. It doesn't matter if taxis are cheaper if you can't get a taxi in a reasonable amount of time. If prices are allowed to rise with demand, that will encourage *more* drivers to be on the road to meet that demand. If you want cheaper, you can still wait around an hour for a regular taxi to become available. If you want to be on your way to your next adventure of the night, perhaps you're willing to spend a little more

      • Re: (Score:1)

        by brrant ( 1997712 )
        Forgive my ignorance. I made an assumption. Ironically, there were lines of taxi's at the stands after the concert. I don't take taxi's often...

        • Re: (Score:2)

          by Richy_T ( 111409 )

          Sounds like they need to tweak that then. Or possibly, they just couldn't get many of their drivers out that night (perhaps they were all at the concert? ) :)

  • Uber is the new weed guy? (Score:4, Insightful)

    by swb ( 14022 ) on Monday September 15, 2014 @04:27PM (#47912943)

    Isn't this ultimately what this kind of service (d)evolves into?

  • We will, of course, run all your errands for you without gathering the data for marketing and other purposes; because doing that would be just too easy...

  • He took too many risks. For no good. NO GOOD! The pizza got cold. What a shame!

  • You can order say a meal from Burger King and they'll deliver for $5 might be more now as I've used it years ago. They'll pick up anything from the corner store. Was great on those super hang over Sundays.

  • Uncle Enzo sends his regards (Score:3)

    by preaction ( 1526109 ) on Monday September 15, 2014 @05:13PM (#47913211)

    Hiro Protagonist will be an Uber driver.

  • Historically, governments justified the "certification" requirements imposed on people wishing to pursue various professions by the consumers' inability to share the information required to make an informed choice of a service provider.

    For example, arriving to a new city, you don't know, what taxi company is decent and which hires serial rapists — the city hall should issue "medallions" to the good drivers and fight attempts by the non-vetted [bossip.com] to provide the same services without paying the authorities their due [nytimes.com].

    Uber is showing, how the consumer feedback, that's easy to provide and is immediately available to anyone with a smart phone, obviates the need for such certifications — along with the associated costs and the abuse-potential. Taxi-services is not the only market, where things can (and should!) be changed by the pervasive smart-phones. Plumbers and electricians would be next on my list of professions, which should not require certifications (though some may seek approvals from non-governmental authorities like "Angie's List", if they choose to). Then restaurateurs — patrons could report roach-sightings just as well (or better) than a city's health-inspector. Then lawyers and eventually, even veterinarians and human doctors...

    • Uber is showing, how the consumer feedback, that's easy to provide and is immediately available to anyone with a smart phone,

      Right- anyone. That's exactly the problem. All you need to do to game the system as an Uber driver is put together a network of colluders to give you good reviews after you give them "rides". In the past, you only needed to find a few bad actors within the government- now literally anyone can help you with your racket.

      • All you need to do to game the system as an Uber driver is put together a network of colluders to give you good reviews after you give them "rides".

        How exactly would you do it? Are they going to be friends of yours? Will you be giving them good rides, while robbing others? And you'll still be a single bad driver of the Uber's "stable" of millions...

        In the past, you only needed to find a few bad actors within the government

        An entrenched incumbent — such as a health-inspector or taxi commissioner

    • Plumbers and electricians would be next on my list of professions, which should not require certifications

      Prepare to be shocked [ecmweb.com].

    • Re: (Score:3)

      by fermion ( 181285 )
      This is quite a piece of idolotry. Let us start at the end first. For many jobs no one requires a certified plumber or electrician or anything. There is no requirement to get such a certification. For certain jobs it is a requirement to get a permit, but that is to protect lives. OTOH I am sure you would no problem if your family died because the water heater exploded or the house caught on fire because of the work of a plumber or electrician was faulty, because, after all, she had good recommendations

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by mi ( 197448 )

        For many jobs no one requires a certified plumber or electrician or anything.

        Where I live (NJ), all electrical work must be done by a licensed electrician — nobody else would simply be issued a permit.

        For certain jobs it is a requirement to get a permit, but that is to protect lives.

        Yes, sure. The benevolent government bureaucrats in their omniscient wisdom just have higher concern for my life, than I do myself...

        In any case, such requirements as the exists, are demanded not by government but by bank

    • You have strong faith in an ideal free market. As one can see from the "Perfect Competition" entry in wikipedia, an imporant assumption of ideal free market is perfect information - All consumers and producers are assumed to have perfect knowledge of price, utility, quality and production methods of products. However, perfect information is never possible in the real world. While improvement in consumers' ability to share information would improve spreading of some information, many kind of information rema

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by mi ( 197448 )

        However, perfect information is never possible in the real world.

        The growing proliferation of smart phones perfects the information access to the degree, where various governmental certifications are no longer necessary.

        Without certification from a professional body, it would be very difficult for consumers to judge if a supplier is competent or not

        The professional body itself need not be governmental. A consumer may not be able to judge the quality of electrical work, but comparing certification authoritie

    • Historically, governments justified the "certification" requirements imposed on people wishing to pursue various professions by the consumers' inability to share the information required to make an informed choice of a service provider.

      For example, arriving to a new city, you don't know, what taxi company is decent and which hires serial rapists — the city hall should issue "medallions" to the good drivers and fight attempts by the non-vetted [bossip.com] to provide the same services without paying the authorities their due [nytimes.com].

      Uber is showing, how the consumer feedback, that's easy to provide and is immediately available to anyone with a smart phone, obviates the need for such certifications — along with the associated costs and the abuse-potential.

      Unfortunately, somebody will have to be the first person to write the "Woke up in the morning upside down in a ditch with my pants missing. Would not use again." review.

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by mi ( 197448 )

        Unfortunately, somebody will have to be the first person to write the "Woke up in the morning upside down in a ditch with my pants missing.

        Unfortunately, nothing prevents just the same from happening with regular taxis [ksbw.com] — you've surrendered an essential liberty (of hiring whoever you want) in exchange for security and, predictably [whatourfor...hought.com], lost both. It will just be less likely to happen with Uber — because the company's entire business is staked on the quality of the reviews (and drivers).

  • bottom line: this Uber thing is competing with mules and drop bars.
  • sudo make me a sandwich

  • Does that mean that we will soon have them in the US? Will Uber then lobby for more H1B visas since obviously no American is qualified for that job? ;)

    • Joking aside, cycle riskshaw *are* present in the occident.
      Specially after the rise of e-bikes, they are all the crase in European big cities.

  • Seriously. April Fools come early? Or Late?

    Rickshaws were outlawed in China ages ago, because it's a um....very demeaning method of transportation (not that there aren't tons of other demeaning things going on). You may as well strap a pipe and plaid top hat on to match your monocle while riding around in a f'n rickshaw, shouting "Good DAY, kind sir, good DAY" and "Jolly ho".

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