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Best Man Rigs Newlyweds' Bed To Tweet During Sex 272

Posted by samzenpus
from the nice-feed dept.
When an UK man was asked to be the best man at a friend's wedding he agreed that he would not pull any pranks before or during the ceremony. Now the groom wishes he had extended the agreement to after the blessed occasion as well. The best man snuck into the newlyweds' house while they were away on their honeymoon and placed a pressure-sensitive device under their mattress. The device now automatically tweets when the couple have sex. The updates include the length of activity and how vigorous the act was on a scale of 1-10.

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Best Man Rigs Newlyweds' Bed To Tweet During Sex

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  • First (Score:5, Funny)

    by SparafucileMan (544171) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @08:43PM (#30482404)

    First!

    130KG. 45 seconds.

    • Re:First (Score:5, Funny)

      by Cryacin (657549) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @09:46PM (#30482938)
      You'd look kinda goofy all by yourself. I think it was a pressure sensor made for Two.
      • Re: (Score:2, Informative)

        by Thinboy00 (1190815)

        Reread that -- he's using metric.

    • You?re post #1 ? Action concluded at 12.43GMT. Duration: 0.37 s. Frenzy Index: 3 (funny). Judge?s Comment: "Is that it?"

    • Re:First (Score:4, Informative)

      by SimonInOz (579741) on Friday December 18, 2009 @01:38AM (#30484158)

      One thing we do know - newlywedsontjob ... that's Northern England, for sure. ("There's trouble at t'mill", etc). Cuts it down a bit.

  • Beowulf (Score:5, Funny)

    by jmcbain (1233044) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @08:47PM (#30482436)
    Imagine a Beowulf cluster of these.
  • Um... (Score:5, Insightful)

    by Anonymous Coward on Thursday December 17, 2009 @08:50PM (#30482472)

    They’re on the job! #2 - Action commenced at 15.50GMT. Weight: 151KG.

    They’re on the job! #3 - Action commenced at 15.13GMT. Weight: 151KG.

    They’re on the job! #4 - Action commenced at 19.14GMT. Weight: 151KG.

    and later...

    They’re on the job! #5 - Action commenced at 09.33GMT. Weight: 152KG.

    Where did those extra 2.2 pounds come from? 4 times in and they are already experimenting with sex toys?! I just don't know what to say as a virgin, unmarried slashdotter.

    I guess the only fitting comment is "pics or it didn't happen"

  • by paiute (550198) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @08:51PM (#30482478)

    Unfortunately (well, maybe fortunately) all parties in this hack are anonymous. Otherwise, the new groom could rig up an automatic bed bouncing machine and become a sexual legend of Web 3.0.

    • Children jumping on the bed: "They're at it again! Weight: 37kg."
      • by e4g4 (533831)
        I sincerely doubt this joke will last that long into the marriage.
        • by Shakrai (717556)

          It may happen sooner than you think. I found their wedding album on Facebook and if I'm not mistaken the bride's father was wielding a 12 gauge.... ;)

        • by TheLink (130905)
          Yeah I wonder where the power supply and internet connection was from.

          Maybe 15 minutes of very vigorous motions on the bed could supply enough energy to send out a tweet or two. I guess they could have had a battery powered sensor that just did radio comms on start and stop, then the relay is elsewhere.

          Anyway from the tweets it seems like it stopped already since the last post is: "# They're on the job! #5 - Action commenced at 09.33GMT. Weight: 152KG. 1:33 AM Dec 14th from Power Twitter". There's no
          • After warming up, they finally are having a marathon session.

            22 minutes isn't bad compared to average (I've read 15 minutes is the average for many males) but women are capable of (and often need!) so much more than that.

            And men, the more you give, the more you get in the long run.

            Of course, no one wants a steam hammer just hammering away dully. You have to switch it up a bit.

            Every man should read Donald Hicks book.

            • by Mr2001 (90979)

              22 minutes isn't bad compared to average (I've read 15 minutes is the average for many males) but women are capable of (and often need!) so much more than that.

              Not necessarily intercourse, though. Many women get sore and uncomfortable after more than 10-15 minutes of that. And of course, since this is Slashdot, how many of us men are in good enough shape to go for that long, anway?

              The trick is to realize that the clock starts as soon as you go down on her. 25 minutes of oral + 5 minutes of intercourse counts as a 30 minute session.

  • "Neither the friend nor the couple are known. In fact, who knows if this is even real, and who cares, it's hilarious."

    What's next? Fart jokes? Unverified of course!

  • by MrEricSir (398214) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @08:53PM (#30482494) Homepage

    ...this feed won't be updated much after a few months.

  • by shadowblaster (1565487) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @08:57PM (#30482536)

    If the device starts tweeting while the husband is at work.

  • by HangingChad (677530) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @08:57PM (#30482542) Homepage

    The best man snuck into the newlyweds' house while they were away on their honeymoon and placed a pressure-sensitive device under their mattress.

    So it only measures sex on the bed. How boring is that? That leaves out the walls, floor, couch, kitchen counter, pool table, the whole rest of the house and car sex un-Tweeted.

    And, if you're Tiger Woods, the private jet, the yacht and the putting green.

  • Hmm (Score:5, Funny)

    by ShooterNeo (555040) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @09:02PM (#30482584)

    So how does the device work? For instance, how are these weight measurements being made? If you just put a load cell under the middle of the bed, it isn't going to measure the total mass. You'd need to use 4 load cells - one at each corner of the mattress. And the Mattress has to have a frame, like a box spring. Or you could use 1 load cell, but you'd have to build a special framework under the bed for it.

    The next part is how do you translate these weight and vibration readings into a "sex detector". Where do you set the threshold, such that if someone just rolls over or even flops on the bed it doesn't set it off? Lots of ordinary acts, from scratching an itch to sitting up might create vibrations in the system that would fool a simple script into detecting "sex".

    Plus, some sex acts create a lot more vibration that others. Position also matters quite a bit.

    This is an interesting problem. I think it's solvable, to a reasonable level of accuracy. But you'd have to calibrate the system, which would require something that most slashdotters don't have access to....

    • Re:Hmm (Score:5, Insightful)

      by evanbd (210358) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @10:31PM (#30483222)
      The sex detection part is some fairly trivial signal processing. You need a band pass filter with a passband of about 0.5-3 Hz (at a guess; better numbers exist, but I haven't tried googling them). Then you need to detect extended signal within that band; there are a variety of options for this, any of which are likely to work.
    • Re:Hmm (Score:5, Interesting)

      by SpeedBump0619 (324581) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @10:37PM (#30483270)

      That's a pretty trivial filtering problem. It looks like it's all based on a set of load cells, so the question is if you look at the down forces on, say, the four corners of your bed what does sex "look" like? Fourier transforms would convert running measurements to frequency measurements. I'd say you look for a minimum of 5-10 seconds of oscillations at a given frequency (anything from maybe 1 to 10Hz). You then require a 2+ minute span of continuing recurrences. Filter out total weights that indicate only one person (or, you know, don't). Figure peak, average, and maybe std deviation of the frequency/ampitude spectrum recored for the "event" and use those numbers to do your "grading".

      This is the reason *I* went to college.

    • Re: (Score:3, Insightful)

      Heh, here I was wondering if you could identify different positions from the spectrum, and apparently everyone else is already been thinking about it in those terms. For once, sex comes up on Slashdot in a way that's hilarious rather than creepy.
      • For once, sex comes up on Slashdot in a way that's hilarious rather than creepy.

        So, I was strolling down to the kindergarten.....

    • This is an interesting problem. I think it's solvable, to a reasonable level of accuracy. But you'd have to calibrate the system, which would require something that most slashdotters don't have access to....

      An oscilloscope?

  • by Zakabog (603757) <john.jmaug@com> on Thursday December 17, 2009 @09:02PM (#30482586)

    Wow, I want one, that sounds awesome. I wouldn't have it tweet when I'm having sex, but I'd probably keep some sort of online log that would graph the weight, volume, temperature (though that might be greatly skewed by the friction of the mattress constantly rubbing against the device) and if I can have motion sensors I'd have it log "the motion of the ocean."

    Not that the data would serve much purpose other than to say "Hey check out what I made."

  • by whrde (1120405) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @09:05PM (#30482606) Homepage
    This has a very, very high likelihood of being an advertisement for the pads he links to. Such a pity that advertising agencies have destroyed my ability to believe things :-(
  • if time=x and frequency=y

    f(x)= 1/x

    x: (0, infinity)

  • Seems like a Wiimote, like the ones we were reading about the other day [slashdot.org] would work better than a simple pressure sensor.
  • Finally! (Score:5, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Thursday December 17, 2009 @09:45PM (#30482932)

    Finally, a use for Twitter!

  • by Anonymous Coward

    For newlyweds it should go to 11.

  • by Coraon (1080675) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @09:57PM (#30483004)
    When she read the article her first words were "Where do we get one of those?" O.o
  • by plasmacutter (901737) on Thursday December 17, 2009 @10:19PM (#30483162)

    there's gonna be a meter on your bed, that will disclose.. what everybody knows!..

    never thought it would be LITERAL.

  • I wonder how often the new bride and groom will be inclined to turn the mattress? This will tell us something about their housekeeping skills, too. Will the bedbugs find the Twitterbox before they do?

  • by roc97007 (608802) on Friday December 18, 2009 @02:54PM (#30492010) Journal

    ...that it only goes off when they're both at home...

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