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Google Businesses The Internet It's funny. Laugh.

Google Plans To Destroy Unindexed Information 319

Posted by Zonk from the bow-before-the-google-rays-pitiful-mortals dept.
linolium writes "Executives at Google, the rapidly growing online-search company that promises to 'organize the world's information,' announced Monday the latest step in their expansion effort: a far-reaching plan to destroy all the information it is unable to index. 'Book burning is just the beginning," said Google co-founder Larry Page. 'This fall, we'll unveil Google Sound, which will record and index all the noise on Earth. Is your baby sleeping soundly? Does your high-school sweetheart still talk about you? Google will have the answers.'" FYI; it's The Onion, so yes, it's a joke.
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Google Plans To Destroy Unindexed Information More

Google Plans To Destroy Unindexed Information

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  • In other news (Score:5, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:16PM (#13467995)
    Slashdot vows to destory all fake articles.
  • All at the Behest of the Un-named Politicians of the World.

  • As if dupes weren't enough... (Score:5, Funny)

    by NETHED ( 258016 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:16PM (#13467997) Homepage
    Now slashdot is quoting THE ONION as real news. Wow, I want my subscription money back.

  • I love the Onion... (Score:5, Funny)

    by BlabberMouth ( 672282 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:17PM (#13467999)
    this reminds me of Bill Gates decision to raise his Charisma to 25.

  • Humor Alert (Score:2, Funny)

    by BoldAC ( 735721 )

    Nice... caught me off guard.

    When did /. get a sense of humor?

  • Alright, smartass, that's enough.

  • AH HA!!! (Score:3, Funny)

    by TheDarkRogue ( 245521 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:17PM (#13468003)
    I KNEW THEY WERE EVIL!!!!!!

  • The Onion is now 'Stuff That Matters'? (Score:5, Insightful)

    by Shayde ( 189538 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:18PM (#13468017) Homepage
    Is this really worth a top post on Slashdot, that The Onion wrote a funny piece? It's sort of their standard fare - in fact, I'm beginning to feel like The Onion is doing a better job at putting togethe rinteresting articles than slashdot is.

    Planet-Geek [planet-geek.com]
    • If the Onion actually wrote something funny, it would be worth it for the surprise value alone. The Onion hasn't written anything funny since the Volkswagen Beetle ad with the Beetle floating on a pond (the orignal Beetle design floated quite well). It had the caption: "If Teddy Kennedy drove a VW, he would be President".

  • This is worse than the winzip ad! (Score:5, Funny)

    by 0xdeaddead ( 797696 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:19PM (#13468020) Homepage Journal
    Did you see that? thats /. jumping the shark.

  • No problem (Score:5, Funny)

    by Infinityis ( 807294 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:19PM (#13468025) Homepage
    I wouldn't worry too much, your stuff should still be safe. I hear it takes them awhile to get these things out of Beta...

  • Septemebr fools? (Score:3, Funny)

    by wickedsteve ( 729684 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:20PM (#13468032) Homepage
    For a second I thought it was April 1st. Geez.
  • The problem is, someone who doesn't know what the Onion is will beleive this. Just like the Chinese did in 2000 when the Onion had an article about the Senate okaying a 2 billion dollar project to make the US Capitol's dome open like a sports arena. It's fake news people. Funny, but comepletely made up. Page3 usually has an unfilled section that they just stick a random phrase in. My favorite was the "...and there was an amazing amount of blood..." repeated over and over.

    -Rick

  • Sooo.... (Score:2, Funny)

    by Infinityis ( 807294 )
    With all these websites and news outlets that want to opt out of Google's searches, I suppose in hindsight that was a poor management decision, eh?

  • DUP! (Score:4, Informative)

    by overshoot ( 39700 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:24PM (#13468062)
    We had this one back in April.

  • ach (Score:2)

    by ruebarb ( 114845 )
    took me 10 seconds to realize the source and another 20 to realize it wasn't April 1st -

    not really worthy of a Slashdot mention, but what the hell -

    RB
  • I can hardly wait. Big Google. Not only is our all information indexed and searchable, so is our privacy and freedoms. That plus Wal-Mart will combine to become the ultimate police state that would have Stalin turning in his grave with envy.

    Anyway, nothing to see here. Move along and don't forget to Google someone. :P

  • Plonk Zonk! (Score:5, Insightful)

    by nuntius ( 92696 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:26PM (#13468071)
    Consider a few of Zonk's messages for today:
    • Buy Antivirus for your cell phone
    • Why we should all love corporate Linux
    • MS supports good guys!
    • Why you need a new digital camera... and its not about picture quality.
    • Breaking story from America's Finest News Source.
    What do these have in common? Corporate cheer-leading, perhaps?

    I want news, not ads for nerds.

    • Re:Plonk Zonk! (Score:3, Interesting)

      by NanoGator ( 522640 )
      "I want news, not ads for nerds."

      Oh right, like there's a big difference between the two. I hate to break it to you, but 'news for nerds' often means "there's a new blinkie device we can all go buy."

      If you really want news for nerds, then I suggest actually going to a real news site. Google's got a great news site. If there's a topic you're interested in, you can often find sites that specialize on that topic. If you want a discussion board with semi geeky topics, then Slashdot's perfect. You can even
      • I'm just sick of the endless bitching. Sadly, I cannot filter that out.

        Actually you can. Just read at +5.

        • Re:Plonk Zonk! (Score:3, Insightful)

          by NanoGator ( 522640 )
          The comment I'm bitching about is at +5. Pity the mods don't put their points to better use. As if Slashdot's staff is reading +5 Insightful posts and saying "Oh, hey, he's right. Let's fire Zonk." In their place, I'd be saying "Hey, when Zonk posts, he generates a lot of comments! That's a lot of ads served!"
  • Assuming they destroy all unindexed information, that means that the existance of all school work will cease to exist! But then again, that could be really bad. Since they can only index online or digital things, that means:

    it would destroy my entire library; Anything that I write down would be immediately destroyed; Any checks I right would spontaneously combust. And (GASP!), Since they would be unable to index my paycheck, which is technically information, I would (GASP!!) not be paid!! You can also make

  • to those who don't know what humor is, a slashdot story of light-hearted humor like this one is like an itch they can't scratch

    maybe google should announce a new product called "google humor": at the touch of a button you will be able to chuckle for a moment and then move on with your life

  • Is this a wakeup call? (Score:5, Interesting)

    by Hannah E. Davis ( 870669 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:36PM (#13468125) Journal
    This actually made me giggle. Not because it's from The Onion, but because it looks like even the /. editors have finally realized that this community's obsession with Google has gone a little too far. This article follows close on the heels of innumerable other articles -- if you look under the Google topic [slashdot.org] you'll see that there's usually at least one per day -- most of which are a bizarre fanboyish mix of solid facts (eg. Google hired some guy! Google bought an ordinary piece of hardware!) and conjecture (eg. Google is clearly going to make a whole new internet!).

    This article calls attention to just how silly the whole thing is. Before I'm modded as a troll, I'd like to point out that I like Google too, but it isn't healthy to worship them this much or post every single Google-related rumour on the internet on this site.

    And of course, if Zonk actually did think it was real, that just makes everything I said all the more true...

  • good thing (Score:5, Funny)

    by cybergrunt69 ( 730228 ) <cybergrunt69 AT yahoo DOT com> on Friday September 02, 2005 @09:42PM (#13468160) Journal
    Ya know, this is really a good thing! I was really wondering how I was gonna hide all that stuff I didn't want the cops/feds to find out about me. Now, I don't have to worry about it - the all-knowing all-powerful Google Purge service will make sure my computer is clean!



    OTOH, I sent this page to some friends, and they actually believed it for a few minutes... I need new friends...

  • Annoying (Score:2, Flamebait)

    by HunterZ ( 20035 )
    I don't mind /. posting links to humorous articles, but I find it inappropriate and unprofessional to mislead (intentionally or otherwise) readers into thinking that the articles are serious. At the very least, humor should have been listed as the primary category for this article insteasd of Google.

    I don't mean to sound like a troll, but I can't help feeling that the mods are experiencing a near-constant desire to start flame wars lately. Is it too much to ask that we at least try to raise the bar a little
    • Me too. This seems about as appropriate as the daily show covering the stocks for about 15 minutes straight without a single joke.

      Personally, I think most people don't bother to look at the categories, they just skim the headlines. Therefore even giving this a dedicated category wouldn't help. Content like this isn't appropriate on the main page. At the very least it should be handled like the Games section where you can opt to have it hit your personalized main page but otherwise you have to go to
    • Is it too much to ask that we at least try to raise the bar a little - say, to the level of semi-intelligent discourse on noteworthy topics?
      You say that readers should be assumed to be so slow-witted that they can't pick up on an obviously humorous story, and then claim you want semi-intelligent discourse? Yeah, I do agree -- you're on the wrong site.
      • You say that readers should be assumed to be so slow-witted that they can't pick up on an obviously humorous story, and then claim you want semi-intelligent discourse? Yeah, I do agree -- you're on the wrong site

        Are you saying that it isn't obvious that they tried to make the story look serious instead of humorous? As I said, linking the article is not what I found inappropriate; framing it as a non-humorous article was what rubbed me the wrong way.

    • No, just right. (Score:3, Informative)

      by Inoshiro ( 71693 )
      Take a look at the google topic. Here, I'll make it easy [slashdot.org]. Hmm, we have ~1 story per day. Some days get 2, some 0, but the average for the past week is 1/day.

      Now let's review the content: speculation, rumours, and outright lies, coupled with a small mix of facts.

      I think Zonk has proven that he's aware of what's going on, and he's able to make a fairly well played post on the topic. I think this is perfectly topical and great. If you don't get the joke, head on over to here [slashdot.org] and decheck Zonk as an edior.
  • For the love of God, can we give uncreditted The Onion links a rest until their appointed time? We already sort through enough dupes and weak stories during the rest of the year.
  • ...missed the Monty Python-esque foot icon, did you? Ah well, Zonk, you tried, but some folks are beyond help and wouldn't even find the dead parrot sketch funny.

    • Re:So you all... (Score:3, Insightful)

      by Gil-galad55 ( 707960 )
      I agree... I don't think I've ever seen a joke go whizzing past so many heads. As if slashdot is a reputable news source... MY GOD, THE CHILDREN!
      • I don't think I've ever seen a joke go whizzing past so many heads.
        I assume that you never saw adequacy.org [adequacy.org] in action, then. I don't know why it is, but it seems that a disproportionate number of geeks are completely lacking their humor gene.

  • I was right - it's his mental condition.

    Now let's see, we're due to see this as a dupe around Sunday...
  • Arr Oh Eff Ell.

  • In the spirit of the Onion... (Score:5, Funny)

    by NanoGator ( 522640 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @10:09PM (#13468263) Homepage Journal
    I refuse to RTFA because it's obviously an ad for the Onion. They make their money by serving ads while I read their amusing parodies. Well I, for one, refuse to read anything that isn't pasted to me in clear text completely sanitized of ads and recommended to me by a disinterested 3rd party. I know it seems a bit hypocritical of me to post a comment on an ad-supported site about how I won't read the article of another ad-supported site, but I really love the prestige of having the word 'Insightful' appear next to my nick.
  • ... especially when there's real pro-Google, anti-Microsoft, anti-Ballmer fodder [businessweek.com] to be had.

    But we all know Slashdot isn't interested in that sort of tripe.

    - shadowmatter
  • Google isn't going to do anything of the sort, because Steve Ballmer is going to fucking kill them [battellemedia.com] first!
  • This isn't even funny anymore.

    I come to Slashdot for news. Not parody. I read the Onion regularly, and I read the Onion for laughs. I do not read Slashdot for laughs (except the occasionally funny comment).

    How did this get past the editors? "Stuff that matters." Yeah, we're living up to that real well. Fake news - that really does matter.

  • why this is an appropriate article for /. (Score:3, Insightful)

    by blonde rser ( 253047 ) on Friday September 02, 2005 @10:25PM (#13468318) Homepage
    I'm really not being a devil's advocate here; I am genuinely glad to see this article on slashdot.

    People seem to be complaining that /. is posting a humour story from the onion when we are all already aware that the onion post humour stories. Although the onion always posts humour stories they don't always post humour stories about tech and links to tech stories is something we expect on /..

    But secondly I think this belongs here because it is actually a really funny story: much funnier than that which I've usually read in the onion. I'm not much of an onion fan personally but I have several friends who like to email me links from the onion from time to time. So I've seen a few stories and when I received this one I thought it was hilarious.

  • What are the odds... (Score:5, Funny)

    by Baloo Ursidae ( 29355 ) <dead@address.com> on Friday September 02, 2005 @10:28PM (#13468330) Journal
    About a year ago, I wrote to Google and said, "Hey, could you advocate Jabber?" And now there's Google Talk.

    Meanwhile, just last night, I wrote to Google and said, "OK, you find everything on the Internet, you find what I need to get stuff done at work on my workstation, but why can't you find my car keys?" And now they're going to do that.

    Apparently, this means we can all stop submitting Google headlines to Slashdot. Ask me instead.

  • Just like in Futurama... (Score:4, Funny)

    by The Master Control P ( 655590 ) <ejkeever @ n e r d s h a ck.com> on Friday September 02, 2005 @10:28PM (#13468331)
    When the flying brains created the giant infosphere that indexed all the information in the universe, and was then to destroy the universe to prevent any new information from being created. But who's going to sneak into google on a flying scooter?
    • That's EXACTLY what I thuoght about. I wish I had mod points.

      And remember, you need the SENIOR scooter, not the junior :)
    • But who's going to sneak into google on a flying scooter?

      But just remember, SCOOTY PUFF JUNIOR SUUUUUUUUUCKS!

    • That's actually a spoof of Brainiac in the Superman comics/TV show... a evil computer whose mission is to record the entire universe in its memory, then destroy the universe so that the copy it contains is the definitive one.

      Yeah, yeah, I always have to ruin the joke. :)
    • But who's going to sneak into google on a flying scooter?

      It will be Steve Jobs! But he wont be on a flying scooter, it will be the prototype, jet powered, Segway II! He'll confund them with his Reality Distortion Field while saving all the doomed information from oblivion by copying it to his iPod.
  • First, it was Roland. And thankfully I haven't noticed one of his inane posts in quite some time.

    Then, there's Timothy, the post-anything, dupe-everything /. bot. I think his most annoying habit is putting his own two cents in the post, as if his opinion is worthy of front page attention. Like Roland, thankfully Timothy has been less visible recently.

    Now we have Zonk. He dupes as much as Timothy, posts his game reviews to the front page, and he posts stories that aren't even quite up to April Fool's Day

  • hopefully this will be the las zonk story i ever have to look at.

    i wonder if they take much notice of the preferences stats, cause i just unticked the zonk box.

  • Our Search Engine Marketing Analyst fell for this! (Score:3, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Friday September 02, 2005 @10:47PM (#13468393)
    I work at a fairly well respected search engine marketing firm. Someone at a client of ours passed this article to their CEO, who in turn called us in a panic!

    Our analyst doesn't bother to actually read the article, and spends several hours creating reports proving every page on their site appears in Google's database! I almost fell out of my chair when heard about this.

    For obvious reasons I cannot reveal my true identity. ;)
  • "Google ... the rapidly growing online-search company that promises to 'organize the world's information,' announced Monday the latest step in their expansion effort: a far-reaching plan to destroy all the information it is unable to index."

    You misspelled IIS.

  • dc comic homage (Score:2, Informative)

    by faderanger ( 856725 )
    i thought that was Braniac's project...
  • April Fools?
  • The new april fools
  • i really thought that slashdot was above this. this isnt the type of content that should be on slashdot, it's supposed to be "news for nerds. stuff that matters"

    and on that note, it would help if it a. wasn't a dupe or b. was actually real.

    if we wanted fake, not really all that funny satires about stuff like this we could visit sites like the onion on our own.
  • Hey Zonk, April Fools' Day isn't in September. During the rest of the year, try not to make articles from The Onion look like news, huh? Some of us are tired of listening to the idiots spin their conspiracy theories based on your inability to seperate news from a fairly bland sense of humor.
  • Is Microsoft working on a similar project, or does Google already have a patent on burning books? ;)

  • Which Google? (Score:5, Funny)

    by fbg111 ( 529550 ) on Saturday September 03, 2005 @03:39AM (#13469243)
    Google, the rapidly growing online-search company that promises to 'organize the world's information,'

    Oh, that Google. Thanks for the elaboration, yes I've heard of them before.

  • Two words (Score:3, Funny)

    by emtboy9 ( 99534 ) <jeff AT jefflane DOT org> on Saturday September 03, 2005 @10:13AM (#13470484) Homepage
    doubleplus ungood

    Yes, I know it was an onion article...

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