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The Military

Tatooine Youth Suspected In Terrorist Attack 179

BeruHadItComing writes: Imperial investigators are still trying to piece together what happened in last week's horrifying terrorist attack on our largest orbital defense station. Over a million loyal citizens, scientists, and medical staff lost their lives in the grisly attack while the station was being put through training exercises near the Yavin system. Billions more are in mourning, while a number of powerful senators have renewed calls to increase defense spending. Initial reports have confirmed Rebel involvement, and officials are making inquiries about a young insurgent from Tatooine with known ties to religious fundamentalists.
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Tatooine Youth Suspected In Terrorist Attack

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  • Rebel scum (Score:5, Funny)

    by halivar ( 535827 ) <bfelger&gmail,com> on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @08:13AM (#49385163)

    I think that's all that needs to be said.

  • Sigh (Score:3, Insightful)

    by Dunbal ( 464142 ) * on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @08:15AM (#49385175)
    You're not even trying.
    • Re: (Score:1, Insightful)

      by Anonymous Coward

      Yeah an April Fool's Joke is supposed to be subtle. Not that Slashdot has ever posted anything funny previously but this is seriously lame.

      • by Jawnn ( 445279 )

        Yeah an April Fool's Joke is supposed to be subtle. Not that Slashdot has ever posted anything funny previously but this is seriously lame.

        Apparently, double entendre is just too subtle for some people to grasp.

      • Because: Star Wars, clever parody of a current blight on rational thinking, it's not Ponies, and Star Wars.
      • I came here hoping for a least a chuckle. I honestly thought the joke was all the html/css/obfuscated javascript appearing on every page where advertisements should be.

      • This is the only one of the April Fool's posts I thought was funny.

    • by OzPeter ( 195038 )

      I agree .. reads like a bad Onion story.

    • No. I disagree. (Score:5, Insightful)

      by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @08:52AM (#49385421)

      Read it again and replace the Star Wars references with real ones.

      Now consider that the good guys - the Jedi - are portrayed as the bad guys even though they are defending a planet from invaders.

      Now, think about our own news media and how our politicians portray countries and people. Now think of the movies "Red Dawn" and how American kids are doing exactly what peoples are doing overseas to coalition troops. Explain how are they different?

      I think this "story" is one of the most subversive things I have ever read on Slashdot.

      • The winner writes the histories. This is new since when?
      • by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @09:48AM (#49385791)

        Geez, we barely read the titles most of the time, and now you want us to re-read TFS, reconsider it three different ways, and write an essay in response?

        Are you an English teacher, by any chance?

      • Radicalization (Score:5, Insightful)

        by Comboman ( 895500 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @10:13AM (#49385949)

        If you do it right, you don't even need to change the references:

        Desert Youth Radicalized by Bearded Religious Zealot
        He seemed to others like a typical teen; having fun with his friends, going into town to pick up some power converters. But the boy's foster parents were worried he would follow a local anti-social, desert-dwelling hermit on some "damn fool ideological crusade". There are reports the old man may have lied to the youth about his birth father's involvement in the religious movement in order to gain his trust. From there, the two joined up with a couple of mercenary smugglers involved in human trafficking in an attempt to sneak past coalition blockades and gain access to military facilities. The old cleric apparently martyred himself in the initial attack on the base, which only strengthened the youth's resolve to follow in his mentor's footsteps. Even the mercenaries appear to have been radicalized, abandoning their business interests to join up with the movement.

      • Remember the Star Wars prequels?

        I don't blame the population supporting the empire after seeing such darkness, corruption, incompetence, and ineptitude of Republican rule in the galaxy.

        They were the bad guys and it is mirroring the us senate today. Shoot! No technological innovations and economic malaise for thousands of years. Under the empire shit got done and the galaxy moved forward. The rebels were the ones killing people. Empire would leave you alone as long as you didn't destabilize or rebel the gala

      • by houghi ( 78078 )

        I remember when Red Dawn came out (the first one) that we discussed the differnce between freedom fighters and terrorists.
        The answer was history.

        • Re:No. I disagree. (Score:5, Interesting)

          by ScentCone ( 795499 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @10:50AM (#49386253)

          I remember when Red Dawn came out (the first one) that we discussed the differnce between freedom fighters and terrorists. The answer was history.

          No, the answer is: look at what they're actually fighting for. "Freedom fighters" who fight for the opportunity to deny women the right to go to school, or to set up a regime where people who aren't willing to claim faithfulness to one single state religion are not freedom fighters. It really is that simple. US revolutionaries fought to be free from what was essentially a military dictatorship (the monarchy) that didn't provide some rather important freedom-related features (like those we see protected in our constitution). When freedom fighters are fighting for actual freedoms, then that's what they are. When "freedom fighters" are fighting to institute totalitarian rule (like, say, Che Guevara and company did) they're not freedom fighters at all. The Taliban aren't fighting for freedom, they're fighting to set up a ruthless medieval theocracy. Doesn't matter what they call themselves, it's what they do.

          • The US revolutionaries fought for freedom for rich white men while enslaivng Africans and ignoring everyone else.

            • The US revolutionaries fought for freedom for rich white men while enslaivng Africans and ignoring everyone else.

              You might want to actually read some history. You know, just for fun. And so you can peek under the hood and see that things are wee bit more complicated than your cartoon villain version.

          • by dywolf ( 2673597 )

            You sound like you should probably learn a little something about Che, Castro, and other latin American dissidents of the previous century, and what precisely led to their dissatisfaction and eventual rebellion. That's not to sugar-coat the man Che became and his eventual ruthlessness. But to dismiss them as simply wishing to establish totalitarianism shows total lack of knowledge of Cuba's history or the context of their revolution.

            Your knowledge of the revolution and the governance of England is also rath

            • just because they aren't fighting for -YOUR- concept of freedom, doesn't mean they aren't fighting for freedom

              Which is exactly why I cited examples where any rational person couldn't get it wrong. Nobody who is fighting for the power to take away other people's freedoms (say, of speech, assembly, religion, etc) is fighting for freedom. It's possible to objectively look at two different fights, and see where one is actually about freedom, and the other is about gaining power to deny freedom.

              Your knowledge of the revolution and the governance of England is also rather lacking.

              The governance of England (not to let it off the hook there, even so) was not the same as England's governance of the colonie

            • by Livius ( 318358 )

              Your knowledge of the revolution and the governance of England is also rather lacking.

              Bear in mind that England ceased to have a government in 1707.

          • When "freedom fighters" are fighting to institute totalitarian rule (like, say, Che Guevara and company did)

            Or, depending on your viewpoint, when they fought to free their country from economic imperialism and foreeign corruption, and to introduce democracy instead of military dictatorship.

            It really does depend which side you're looking from.

            And the point about the Taliban is not that they want a medieval theocracy, but that they want a medieval theocracy in their own country. Do I want to live in a Taliban-run Afghanistan? No, but (a) I'm not an Afghan and (b) if I was, I'd probably prefer it to a massive

            • And the point about the Taliban is not that they want a medieval theocracy, but that they want a medieval theocracy in their own country.

              Except, most of the Taliban are trying to set up a medieval theocracy in another country (read up on where that movement is from, who they are demographically, and where they are operating). And they're hip-deep in relations with outfits that are trying to spread the same thing throughout the middle east, and of course into and across Africa. There are distinct lines between some of these groups, but in other cases they and those they support or with whom they work make it pointless to try to separate them

        • Re:No. I disagree. (Score:5, Interesting)

          by tooyoung ( 853621 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @01:12PM (#49387253)
          I can't believe that I'm actually reading an April Fools Day thread, much less commenting on one, but here goes....

          The difference between a terrorist and another type of combatant isn't history or what the group is fighting for. It is whether they target civilian populations or not and use terror as a tactic. The term terrorist has been rendered meaningless in recent times. Now we see "terrorist attack on army base". Targeting a military force is not terrorism, regardless of the group who does it.
        • I believe the phrase is: "One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter..."
      • by T.E.D. ( 34228 )

        During the runup to the second Gulf War there was a story circulating about how The Empire was really the good guys and the Rebel Alliance was just a bunch of terrorists. The sad part was, in the logic of the time it was being sold by many as a serious argument. Not even a joke. Here's a link to it from 2002 in The Weekly Standard [weeklystandard.com]

        So yeah, this has already happened.

      • I think this "story" is one of the most subversive things I have ever read on Slashdot.

        True, but that doesn't make it a good April's Fool.

    • Yeah, two-dimensional shockwave? What?
    • by Anonymous Coward

      OMGPONIES!!!! is still the only good April First thing /. has ever done

    • At least the Empire doesn't hide behind faux altruism while selling to the bad guys, like Apple. They are the bad guys!
  • Ahh.. that reminds me.. Time to wrap an elastic band around the rinse nozzle on the kitchen sink, maple syrup in the hair shampoo, Saran wrap across the toilet basin.
    • Yeah, today is the day the Internet becomes worthless for information.

      • Yeah, today is the day the Internet becomes worthless for information.

        Just today? Are YOU behind the times or what? And this on Slashdot...

      • Yeah, today is the day the Internet becomes worthless for information.

        The upside is that means a decline in the serious MISinformation as well. That's sort of a win.

  • Yawn (Score:1, Informative)

    by Anonymous Coward

    If you're going to do April fools, at least be funny. Every year slashdot fails so hard on being funny on April 1st.

  • by Reibisch ( 1261448 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @08:16AM (#49385189)

    Wasn't the senate disbanded shortly before the attack?

  • Slow (Score:5, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @08:20AM (#49385219)

    This happened a long time ago. Typical slashdot news timing.

  • How about a story about how Islam is a religion of peace? That would be a funny April fools joke, although I guess it's been done to death already.

    • How about a story about how Islam is a religion of peace? That would be a funny April fools joke, although I guess it's been done to death already.

      I see what you did there.

  • Role models (Score:5, Funny)

    by Cyfun ( 667564 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @08:22AM (#49385245) Homepage

    I blame the parents. Where are they in all this?

  • That's my cue. (Score:4, Insightful)

    by ledow ( 319597 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @08:24AM (#49385255) Homepage

    That's my cue.

    Now to stop reading for over 24 hours while all the poor April Fool's junk slams the front page over and over.

    It's now an annual ritual. See you at the weekend, guys.

  • by Anonymous Coward

    .. same day
    http://home.web.cern.ch/about/updates/2015/04/cern-researchers-confirm-existence-force

  • by Anonymous Coward

    Bothan lives matter!

  • by Anonymous Coward

    I'm tired of all this forcephobia in the news and comments. It's the religion of feeling.

  • by BlacKSacrificE ( 1089327 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @08:35AM (#49385321)
    OPEN YOUR EYES DROIDS!!
    • by gijoel ( 628142 )
      WAKE up NERFPLE, this DOCUMENTARY [youtube.com] proves EVERYTHING!!!111!!11!1!!!
    • by meta-monkey ( 321000 ) on Wednesday April 01, 2015 @09:48AM (#49385793) Journal

      PROTON TORPEDOES CAN'T MELT SPACE STATIONS. Particularly ones the size of a small moon.

      You can clearly see from the footage that the station was destroyed from the inside. CONTROLLED DEMOLITION.

      Oh, and we're supposed to believe the official story that some magic proton torpedoes made it all the way from a tiny exhaust port to the reactor core? Have you seen the size of the exhaust ports on a Freedom Station? They're no bigger than a womp rat. Impossible to bulls-eye. Or are we to believe some magic force guided them in? Tell me another one.

      WAKE UP DROIDS!

  • It was probably funny the first time it was celebrated, maybe even the second or third. Now it's just tedious and unfunny.

    • by AmiMoJo ( 196126 ) *

      Japan announced it was cancelling Christmas today. I was so happy until I remembered what the date is. Damn you, April Fools, for getting my hopes up.

  • "The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away." Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin[src] 35.3.5 http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki... [wikia.com]
  • by Anonymous Coward

    I doubt the rebel scum can pull off something like that. Proof?

    1. Who the hell designs something that big with a gaping 2-meter wide flaw in it?
    2. Lord Vader "conveniently" escapes any harm, "claims" he was attacked by some kind of garbage scow of a vessel.
    3. The rumour mill has it that the same contractor who built the thing (in the Hutt family, IIRC) siphoned off most of the money, and then planned with the Empire to blow it up to hide that fact.

    Forgetting, for the moment, of the whole "Vader was born on

    • by Livius ( 318358 )

      He even claimed he was thrown clear because his wingman - an experienced combat pilot - struck his fighter because of distraction by one explosion.

  • Because inevitably something is going to fool me and I'm going to feel stupid... I just want to go to bed and wake up tomorrow.

    • Because inevitably something is going to fool me

      Well, it's unlikely to be Slashdot with drivel like this.

      I just want to go to bed and wake up tomorrow.

      Ah, you didn't hear? They just discovered an error in the standard leap year calculation, so everyone has to skip April 2nd this year.

  • Aside from being desperately not funny, an attack on a military installation to stop it from destroying you is not a terrorist attack.

    Come on, Slashdot! You used to be better than this! Please show us you still are!

    • You will be shocked to learn that it's not always accurate, or impartial. You might also notice that the same is often true of the media who delivers our news. We now return you to your April Foolery, hope that wasn't a buzz kill.

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